You may have heard the story about a couple that only collected sea shells their entire life. I heard it years ago from a friend. They only collected sea shells and nothing else. When they passed God asked them what they had done with their lives and they just wanted to show Him their sea shells. He kept asking what they had done besides collecting sea shells. They had nothing else to say. What would you want to hear from Him when you go home?
Right before my surgery 2 months ago a friend and I were talking and holding each other. I told her I would want God to say to me that I loved well. That is what I would want to hear. That I loved others and him well. I would want to hear you loved so much that you were willing to tell the truth for me. I would want to hear you loved your husband and children well. I would want to hear you loved your family and friends well.
I have been thinking about the past year. The MS progressed and part of my liver had to be removed. Both forced me to rest and find peace. I no longer think that it is selfish to say I don't feel well (a dear pastor called me out on that one.) I no longer feel guilt for saying I can't do that anymore. I physically and emotionally cannot carry that anymore. God did that for me and I am grateful.
It is a glorious gift to be able to find peace in suffering and pain. It is a glorious gift to be able to yell out "why" to God and have him stand by you. It is a glorious gift that you can be angry and He still loves you. It is a glorious gift to have a father and friend that never goes away once He has you. It is a glorious gift to say I can't fight this sin without you.
In 1 Corinthians 13 the famous love verses are written. Paul explains to the Corinthians what love is and it was not what they were doing. The Corinthian church is a lot like the American church today. We believe God's love is tolerance, indifference, passive, and politically correct. We believe that he would never confront His children for what they do. God loves us enough to tell us what we did wrong, embraces us, and says "go, do not sin anymore."
That verse and I have not always gotten along well. It was when I started to read the verse differently that it began to make sense. It says a lot about God and what we are. We are the sins in that verse and He is the love in that verse. Love is not manipulation. Love is not guilt. Love is not used for hate. Love is not selfish. Love is not used for gain from another.
We are at the time of year where everyone thinks back and starts making resolutions. Are we making them for ourselves or for God? The changes we should make should be for Him alone because it gives Him glory. Our lives should be lived for His glory. I do not believe our nation is headed in the right direction. We are just a nation under God. We are falling for turning our backs on His truth.
The other side is that we may learn to value more. We may learn that we should have fought for what was right. We will know that we had a lot to be thankful for. We will learn that His word and way are the truth, and we can't change it. We may learn that our shelter is a true gift. We may learn that the food we have to eat is an amazing blessing. We may learn the clothing we wear is perfect. We may learn that he provides when we ask.
My greatest gift this year was asked for selfishly. I asked Him to me wake me up after surgery. I boldly said "I love you, but I don't want to come home to you yet." He gave me that, gave me love, and said "you love well."
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; itis not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Gratitude
In the book of Luke chapter 22 starting at verse 7 the last supper begins. Jesus is breaking bread with His disciples right before His trial, His beating, His death and His resurrection. He is teaching His disciples to show gratitude for His sacrifice. Our debt is about to be paid for our sins. They would learn through the horror of His death to show gratitude for the forgiveness they would receive from His father. They would no longer be sent to hell for their sin. It became their way of life. It was apart of their souls.
Yesterday I got a call from a friend asking me for help regarding her daughter. Her daughter is facing a possible diagnosis of MS. As we talked my heart was so overwhelmed with gratitude for this woman and her husband. They were a huge part of my journey in the beginning. Her husband baptized me so many years ago. They know my secrets, my sins, the wretchedness of my heart and they loved me so much that they gave me a great amount of grace. I remember saying to her "God is punishing me for my sins," and her response was "He's not, he sees something in you that he loves."
I could hear the fear in her voice of the what ifs and when she said "if it is this what about the damage that it is causing to her body?" With all the love and grace that she gave me I had to say the truth of this disease to her. I had to tell her the damage is already done if it is MS. The meds and treatments can only slow it down so far. It broke my heart, because I do not wish that others should have to face this disease.
After I got off the phone I was thinking about her daughter and every emotion she will go through if the diagnosis is MS. The anger, the bitterness, the envy, the sadness, and the big question of why. It is amazing how God works, because earlier this week I asked myself the question; am I truly saved? I don't know why I asked myself that question, but the response came very quickly; I have immense love and gratitude to Him for making me sick. I have immense gratitude that he gave it to me so I could help others.
As Christians we are to have gratitude every day even in the midst of our trials. This is constant prayer and discernment. This is constant asking for help and that never stops. It is the constant act of trying to overcome pride; believing that we can do it with him. It is the constant act of remembering what Christ did for us. Our sufferings are nothing compared to what he did.
Yesterday I got a call from a friend asking me for help regarding her daughter. Her daughter is facing a possible diagnosis of MS. As we talked my heart was so overwhelmed with gratitude for this woman and her husband. They were a huge part of my journey in the beginning. Her husband baptized me so many years ago. They know my secrets, my sins, the wretchedness of my heart and they loved me so much that they gave me a great amount of grace. I remember saying to her "God is punishing me for my sins," and her response was "He's not, he sees something in you that he loves."
I could hear the fear in her voice of the what ifs and when she said "if it is this what about the damage that it is causing to her body?" With all the love and grace that she gave me I had to say the truth of this disease to her. I had to tell her the damage is already done if it is MS. The meds and treatments can only slow it down so far. It broke my heart, because I do not wish that others should have to face this disease.
After I got off the phone I was thinking about her daughter and every emotion she will go through if the diagnosis is MS. The anger, the bitterness, the envy, the sadness, and the big question of why. It is amazing how God works, because earlier this week I asked myself the question; am I truly saved? I don't know why I asked myself that question, but the response came very quickly; I have immense love and gratitude to Him for making me sick. I have immense gratitude that he gave it to me so I could help others.
As Christians we are to have gratitude every day even in the midst of our trials. This is constant prayer and discernment. This is constant asking for help and that never stops. It is the constant act of trying to overcome pride; believing that we can do it with him. It is the constant act of remembering what Christ did for us. Our sufferings are nothing compared to what he did.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Sheep and Goats
Every time I read Matthew 25 verse 33 I crack up even though it is talking about when Christ comes again; The Final Judgement. The right are the sheep and the left are the goats. The sheep go to heaven and the goats go to hell. It is as simple as that.
The sheep do things because the Holy Spirit is in them so they don't pick and choose - they are trying to become more like Christ in every action and word. They don't care what you like they love you because God loves them and they want to share it. He has changed their hearts. They are very aware of their sinful nature and are repentant for it.
The goats however profess to love Christ, but pick and choose whom they help. They expect something in return for what they have done. They argue with him that they never saw him so why should they have done it. They believe they have nothing to repent for and are so righteous. You have got to be kidding me. If you don't know what your issues are I feel sorry for you. Every one of us knows someone like this.
I sin everyday. I cuss like a sailor. My youngest son is like a parrot so he repeats everything. I have constant bad thoughts about our government and people. I read trashy, romance novels - which I didn't used to read. I eat oreos and peanut m&ms like I am never going to see them again. I enjoy telling people how I really feel physically that I know are being fake and are just asking (this is evil - i know). I almost start laughing when I see it in their eyes how they really didn't want me tell them. Issues. I am repenting all the time.
The only reason why I thought about Matthew 25 this morning is because the food stamp, debit system had glitches yesterday. People couldn't buy food. People that had purchased their food said they felt terrible and sad that these individuals had to walk out without food. My question is did anyone purchase the food for them? What if they had children with them? What if it was an elderly person? I wondered how many of them profess to love Christ. If Jesus had been standing there he would have said take the last of your money, and buy the person's food; trust me I will provide for you. Do we really trust him though is the question?
The sheep do things because the Holy Spirit is in them so they don't pick and choose - they are trying to become more like Christ in every action and word. They don't care what you like they love you because God loves them and they want to share it. He has changed their hearts. They are very aware of their sinful nature and are repentant for it.
The goats however profess to love Christ, but pick and choose whom they help. They expect something in return for what they have done. They argue with him that they never saw him so why should they have done it. They believe they have nothing to repent for and are so righteous. You have got to be kidding me. If you don't know what your issues are I feel sorry for you. Every one of us knows someone like this.
I sin everyday. I cuss like a sailor. My youngest son is like a parrot so he repeats everything. I have constant bad thoughts about our government and people. I read trashy, romance novels - which I didn't used to read. I eat oreos and peanut m&ms like I am never going to see them again. I enjoy telling people how I really feel physically that I know are being fake and are just asking (this is evil - i know). I almost start laughing when I see it in their eyes how they really didn't want me tell them. Issues. I am repenting all the time.
The only reason why I thought about Matthew 25 this morning is because the food stamp, debit system had glitches yesterday. People couldn't buy food. People that had purchased their food said they felt terrible and sad that these individuals had to walk out without food. My question is did anyone purchase the food for them? What if they had children with them? What if it was an elderly person? I wondered how many of them profess to love Christ. If Jesus had been standing there he would have said take the last of your money, and buy the person's food; trust me I will provide for you. Do we really trust him though is the question?
I am sure some were standing there looking at them judging them for it. I am not going to lie and say that haven't done the same. I know some shouldn't be on it. I grew up around the welfare system; my mother was a social worker. It makes you very angry to know that parents that are abusers and pedophiles receive benefits when they should be in jail, or they use the money on themselves. I digress though.
We shouldn't be picking and choosing whom we help. If the Holy Spirit is convicting your heart to buy someones groceries; do it. You have denied his power when you don't. The truth is we would immediately realize we would have give up some of our money to do that, and we wouldn't want to do that. We are nation that has allowed the government to take control of our good deeds. Those that support and profess to love Christ need to read their bible, because he will you accountable and you alone.
Jesus looked people in the eye, held their hand and held them. He suffered with them. He felt pain with them. He wept with them. He requires his children to do the same no matter how much we have to give up to do it. It is for his glory and because of his love that we do it. We are headed for rough, rough times in this nation and it is all a part of his plan. The truth of our greedy, selfish little hearts hurts.
But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17
Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2
Friday, October 11, 2013
love
34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34
last week my bible study teacher sent out an email with a question; what lies has satan been telling you? those whispers that we hear or thoughts that make us question ourselves, our actions, or our words. those lies that we have told ourselves for years that only pulls us away from him, and makes us lose ourselves to lies.
when my parent's divorced it was "why weren't we worthy enough to fight for?" then the big lie began - i was not worthy of love. i was not worthy of being cherished. i was not worthy of anything really. when i got married it was "you are sick" so you aren't worthy for this beautiful man (be grateful he married you).
i even told myself god doesn't love you if you don't show him how grateful you are that he saved you - don't let him down. i finally remembered the thief hanging on the cross next to christ; he loved him and he had done nothing in works. at our last communion one of our pastors said "look at me; god loves you as much you love your sons." i thought that is a ton of love.
sometimes i wish as adults we could learn to love like a child does. they make mistakes, we forgive them, and we usually forget. we make mistakes and our children still love us. we are able to apologize and forgive each other for our shortcomings, and we still love tremendously.
we love like jesus loves in those moments. we love so much that we are willing to try and never make the mistake again, because we hurt them or they hurt us. we should love unconditionally, and try not to do it again. we should love without thinking we should be gaining something from it.
last week we made the decision to take the mass out of my liver. it will be a complicated surgery, and a portion of my liver will have to come out. we talked about the risks because the mass is so deep in the liver. we run the risk of it becoming cancer the longer we wait. it is compromising my ms.
when i drove home i was thinking about the "what if." i was thinking about the things that i need to do just in case some thing goes wrong. i was thinking about my husband and my sons. i was thinking about my parents, my brothers, my sister and my friends. i was thinking don't be afraid to tell them how i feel about them. make sure they know to love passionately and fiercely; love like god. love so much they can barely breath.
make sure they know that mistakes don't matter as long as they learn that being loved my god is the most important thing in the world. make sure they know how to forgive and not be bitter, because it could destroy their heart. make sure they know that they may not get another day to share that with someone. make sure they fight for those they love no matter what they
lose in the process.
my only prayer that morning was "god, i am not ready to leave my boys." i have hope that it will go well, but i would regret not saying those things that need be said. i have come to realize it is a waste not to live and love to the fullest, because of fear.
last week my bible study teacher sent out an email with a question; what lies has satan been telling you? those whispers that we hear or thoughts that make us question ourselves, our actions, or our words. those lies that we have told ourselves for years that only pulls us away from him, and makes us lose ourselves to lies.
when my parent's divorced it was "why weren't we worthy enough to fight for?" then the big lie began - i was not worthy of love. i was not worthy of being cherished. i was not worthy of anything really. when i got married it was "you are sick" so you aren't worthy for this beautiful man (be grateful he married you).
i even told myself god doesn't love you if you don't show him how grateful you are that he saved you - don't let him down. i finally remembered the thief hanging on the cross next to christ; he loved him and he had done nothing in works. at our last communion one of our pastors said "look at me; god loves you as much you love your sons." i thought that is a ton of love.
sometimes i wish as adults we could learn to love like a child does. they make mistakes, we forgive them, and we usually forget. we make mistakes and our children still love us. we are able to apologize and forgive each other for our shortcomings, and we still love tremendously.
we love like jesus loves in those moments. we love so much that we are willing to try and never make the mistake again, because we hurt them or they hurt us. we should love unconditionally, and try not to do it again. we should love without thinking we should be gaining something from it.
last week we made the decision to take the mass out of my liver. it will be a complicated surgery, and a portion of my liver will have to come out. we talked about the risks because the mass is so deep in the liver. we run the risk of it becoming cancer the longer we wait. it is compromising my ms.
when i drove home i was thinking about the "what if." i was thinking about the things that i need to do just in case some thing goes wrong. i was thinking about my husband and my sons. i was thinking about my parents, my brothers, my sister and my friends. i was thinking don't be afraid to tell them how i feel about them. make sure they know to love passionately and fiercely; love like god. love so much they can barely breath.
make sure they know that mistakes don't matter as long as they learn that being loved my god is the most important thing in the world. make sure they know how to forgive and not be bitter, because it could destroy their heart. make sure they know that they may not get another day to share that with someone. make sure they fight for those they love no matter what they
lose in the process.
my only prayer that morning was "god, i am not ready to leave my boys." i have hope that it will go well, but i would regret not saying those things that need be said. i have come to realize it is a waste not to live and love to the fullest, because of fear.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The Passion Of Christ
I don't know if you have ever watched the Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson. When the film came out there were so many that said it was too brutal and violent. Actually, I believe it was far worse. Just imagine for a moment the full wrath of our Father and His Son taking on every sin, of every human being to save us.
This is what he did for us. Imagine this image every time we fear speaking the truth of Christ. Imagine this image every time we are uncomfortable with confronting the politically correct, tolerate Christian. Imagine this image every time we are offended in our pride for being called out. With great love he did this for us. Why are we ashamed of this? There is no shame in the truth. We are to glorify him for doing this. We lack empathy even for him. We are to become more like him, and this is a side of God that we must face. We are to die, and become new just as he did.
Yesterday was the first time that I went in to see my MS doc without trying to hide my MS. Yesterday I went in, and asked for treatment. Yesterday was the first time that I did not feel shame or guilt for my illness. She told me the truth and I accepted it without fighting. She said it is nice that you are finally not concerned with those that may think you are selfish. He began a work in my heart last December and it is awesome.
Look at that image when you complain about the little things in your life. Look at that image when you are mad that you didn't get your way. Look at that image when you attack another person for not being like you, and then you profess to love him. Look at that image when you whine about how hard your life is. Remember what he did for you.
One of our greatest sins is we believe we don't have to change for him; he did the above why wouldn't you? One of our greatest sins is believing that we are not in a constant war with Satan's games. One of our greatest sins is ignoring his truth because of fear, or being uncomfortable. One of our greatest sins is we skip over the above and just move on to stuff that makes us feel good about ourselves.
I remembered yesterday in my physical pain that it all goes away the moment I go home to HIM. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did. I am so grateful that he loves me so much that in my weaknesses he holds my hand, gives me strength, and says I have you no matter what! He doesn't let go of his children. It is a great honor to be chosen by him; boast in it!!! Don't be afraid to say that it is because of God that you make it through each day, and there is no other reason.
I believe that people that ignore his suffering and skip over to the mushy part are weak. A very wise friend of mine said; Read scripture and ask what that says about God, not how it applies to you.
" Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
This is what he did for us. Imagine this image every time we fear speaking the truth of Christ. Imagine this image every time we are uncomfortable with confronting the politically correct, tolerate Christian. Imagine this image every time we are offended in our pride for being called out. With great love he did this for us. Why are we ashamed of this? There is no shame in the truth. We are to glorify him for doing this. We lack empathy even for him. We are to become more like him, and this is a side of God that we must face. We are to die, and become new just as he did.
Yesterday was the first time that I went in to see my MS doc without trying to hide my MS. Yesterday I went in, and asked for treatment. Yesterday was the first time that I did not feel shame or guilt for my illness. She told me the truth and I accepted it without fighting. She said it is nice that you are finally not concerned with those that may think you are selfish. He began a work in my heart last December and it is awesome.
Look at that image when you complain about the little things in your life. Look at that image when you are mad that you didn't get your way. Look at that image when you attack another person for not being like you, and then you profess to love him. Look at that image when you whine about how hard your life is. Remember what he did for you.
One of our greatest sins is we believe we don't have to change for him; he did the above why wouldn't you? One of our greatest sins is believing that we are not in a constant war with Satan's games. One of our greatest sins is ignoring his truth because of fear, or being uncomfortable. One of our greatest sins is we skip over the above and just move on to stuff that makes us feel good about ourselves.
I remembered yesterday in my physical pain that it all goes away the moment I go home to HIM. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did. I am so grateful that he loves me so much that in my weaknesses he holds my hand, gives me strength, and says I have you no matter what! He doesn't let go of his children. It is a great honor to be chosen by him; boast in it!!! Don't be afraid to say that it is because of God that you make it through each day, and there is no other reason.
I believe that people that ignore his suffering and skip over to the mushy part are weak. A very wise friend of mine said; Read scripture and ask what that says about God, not how it applies to you.
" Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Bullies
For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ. Jude 1:4
The topic of bullying is the big thing now in our schools. The parents are to blame if their child is a bully. They probably have that behavior themselves. They find it acceptable to tear down another person. I would say the appearance is far more important to them than the heart.
Before my sons were born it was very important to me that they valued a person's heart above appearance. They have been trained and know that it would be unacceptable to us if we found them attacking another person for not being like them. This is an ongoing training. They know that appearances can be deceiving; their mom looks well, but is ill. We never know what another is going through.
I just read an interesting post from John MacArthur regarding the charismatic movement. There are many aspects to that movement, however, he made a comment regarding how so many Christians promote tolerance, loving tones, etc, but to do not accept the truth of the gospel. Jesus was very clear that we are to confront our brothers and sisters about their sins and hold them accountable. There is great love in that. It is just like when a parent tells a child no or disciplines them for a wrong.
Humility is not a trait we are born with. Humility is a trained discipline. God has had to train my heart to show humility. He has had to confront my inability to accept my wrongs from him and others. This is not easy because it offends our pride. I have noticed over the years some profess to love Christ, but do not accept his truth very well. If they are confronted with their actions they will attack your character so theirs doesn't show. That would be a false person that is just in it for the appearance.
"having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 3:5
A few years ago my mother made a comment about someone that we know. She asked me the question why would they say they love you when their actions and words are very manipulative? Why would they lie about something as important as love? People like this use God to bully another into gaining what they want and desire. They are not a compassionate, or empathetic individual. Their desires and needs are more important.
In the book of Mark chapter 13 Jesus tells his disciples what signs he will give at the end of times. Many believe we are in the end times now, but many have believed that for thousands of years. He speaks about exposing those that are false. He exposes those that claim to be Him, or prophets. He exposes those that value the appearance above him; that is their idol. In my opinion I think he does that all the time if we are willing to see it. I also believe that God pounds his children to fall to their knees when they need it. He is unrelenting in it. He needs his children to see how they being disobedient to him and others.
Be wary of individuals that profess to love Christ, but condemn you with their actions or words if you are not like them. Ask yourself the question is what they are saying can be backed up with scripture, or is it their view of God. Those that say they are sinners, but believe they do not commit sin do not understand their very nature. They have a problem with forgiveness, and grace. They have a problem admitting that they have been wrong. They very rarely apologize. That is a bully.
"preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound[a] teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." 2 Timothy 4:2-4
The topic of bullying is the big thing now in our schools. The parents are to blame if their child is a bully. They probably have that behavior themselves. They find it acceptable to tear down another person. I would say the appearance is far more important to them than the heart.
Before my sons were born it was very important to me that they valued a person's heart above appearance. They have been trained and know that it would be unacceptable to us if we found them attacking another person for not being like them. This is an ongoing training. They know that appearances can be deceiving; their mom looks well, but is ill. We never know what another is going through.
I just read an interesting post from John MacArthur regarding the charismatic movement. There are many aspects to that movement, however, he made a comment regarding how so many Christians promote tolerance, loving tones, etc, but to do not accept the truth of the gospel. Jesus was very clear that we are to confront our brothers and sisters about their sins and hold them accountable. There is great love in that. It is just like when a parent tells a child no or disciplines them for a wrong.
Humility is not a trait we are born with. Humility is a trained discipline. God has had to train my heart to show humility. He has had to confront my inability to accept my wrongs from him and others. This is not easy because it offends our pride. I have noticed over the years some profess to love Christ, but do not accept his truth very well. If they are confronted with their actions they will attack your character so theirs doesn't show. That would be a false person that is just in it for the appearance.
"having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 3:5
A few years ago my mother made a comment about someone that we know. She asked me the question why would they say they love you when their actions and words are very manipulative? Why would they lie about something as important as love? People like this use God to bully another into gaining what they want and desire. They are not a compassionate, or empathetic individual. Their desires and needs are more important.
In the book of Mark chapter 13 Jesus tells his disciples what signs he will give at the end of times. Many believe we are in the end times now, but many have believed that for thousands of years. He speaks about exposing those that are false. He exposes those that claim to be Him, or prophets. He exposes those that value the appearance above him; that is their idol. In my opinion I think he does that all the time if we are willing to see it. I also believe that God pounds his children to fall to their knees when they need it. He is unrelenting in it. He needs his children to see how they being disobedient to him and others.
Be wary of individuals that profess to love Christ, but condemn you with their actions or words if you are not like them. Ask yourself the question is what they are saying can be backed up with scripture, or is it their view of God. Those that say they are sinners, but believe they do not commit sin do not understand their very nature. They have a problem with forgiveness, and grace. They have a problem admitting that they have been wrong. They very rarely apologize. That is a bully.
"preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound[a] teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." 2 Timothy 4:2-4
Friday, September 13, 2013
He Is Not Coward
I have not written in a very long time, or I should say I have not posted in a very long time. Yesterday, I read an article regarding some comments the Pope had given to atheists; "you don't have to believe in God to go to heaven." I am hoping that is not what he meant, because those comments would be a lie. We do not enter the gates of heaven without accepting the son. It does not matter how good your deeds are; if you deny God's existence you are choosing yourself over him.
Those words should deeply offend those that know that Jesus is the only way to the father. We are a nation that boldly fought against tyranny. We boldly fought against those that did not put God above all things. We will lose that if we do not confront it. We have become a nation of cowards when it comes to God, because so many view him as just a nice guy.
Jesus was not always kind. He boldly confronted those that were against his father. He boldly confronted those that valued the appearance more than his father. He boldly confronted those that would condemn another without searching their black hearts. He would look them in the eye when he did it. He offended our pride, arrogance and self-righteousness. We have too many that profess to love Christ that believe they do not have to change their hearts completely for him. We have too many that believe that they are not capable of sin; that is their sin.
Those words should deeply offend those that know that Jesus is the only way to the father. We are a nation that boldly fought against tyranny. We boldly fought against those that did not put God above all things. We will lose that if we do not confront it. We have become a nation of cowards when it comes to God, because so many view him as just a nice guy.
Jesus was not always kind. He boldly confronted those that were against his father. He boldly confronted those that valued the appearance more than his father. He boldly confronted those that would condemn another without searching their black hearts. He would look them in the eye when he did it. He offended our pride, arrogance and self-righteousness. We have too many that profess to love Christ that believe they do not have to change their hearts completely for him. We have too many that believe that they are not capable of sin; that is their sin.
In November of last year I prayed to God to become a Mary in a Martha world. Within 2 weeks my MS was appearing again, by February it was full blown, by April he added a mass on my liver, and increasing physical pain that was unbearable. He was removing my fear, my guilt, my pride and my arrogance; he was taken it by full force. He was reminding me daily that I did have the control any longer to decide who shared or saw my burden. He made sure that I could no longer hide it from husband. My sons finally knew their mom was sick. My parents had to accept their daughter would not heal physically the way she had before. This was my blessing and gift. For the first time since my diagnosis I have allowed him to give me rest.
He did not do it with kindness. He did it with great authority, love and discipline. I no longer could run or hide from it. In return he told me to receive, to be loved and cherished, to lose my guilt, and to love myself. On Wednesday of this week he didn't remove my MS, the mass, or the pain but he didn't give me cancer. My gratitude and worth is in him alone.
I feel sorrow and sadness for those that do not have the courage to confront their hearts and repent; believe me I understand. I feel pity for those that believe they do no wrong; only fools do that. I feel anger at those that profess the love of Christ, but are not willing to hold another up when they need it. I feel pain when I think of those that do not understand, or are unwilling to accept how strong he is. He wins in the end - always.
I have no idea how many times I have read the passion of Christ now. God was not gentle and kind in the killing of his son. He was brutal when He poured his wrath onto him, and his son took every sin of man; that is not a coward. He still does it when we confess with our mouths and humbly admit that we can not do it without him. That is his love for us. As our pastor said on Sunday; God does not wink at sin.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/boldness
He did not do it with kindness. He did it with great authority, love and discipline. I no longer could run or hide from it. In return he told me to receive, to be loved and cherished, to lose my guilt, and to love myself. On Wednesday of this week he didn't remove my MS, the mass, or the pain but he didn't give me cancer. My gratitude and worth is in him alone.
I feel sorrow and sadness for those that do not have the courage to confront their hearts and repent; believe me I understand. I feel pity for those that believe they do no wrong; only fools do that. I feel anger at those that profess the love of Christ, but are not willing to hold another up when they need it. I feel pain when I think of those that do not understand, or are unwilling to accept how strong he is. He wins in the end - always.
I have no idea how many times I have read the passion of Christ now. God was not gentle and kind in the killing of his son. He was brutal when He poured his wrath onto him, and his son took every sin of man; that is not a coward. He still does it when we confess with our mouths and humbly admit that we can not do it without him. That is his love for us. As our pastor said on Sunday; God does not wink at sin.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/boldness
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mothers and Children
As moms we tend to worry about what we aren't doing for our children, or how we have messed up in some way. We never take a moment to look at at the good things that we have taught them, or give them. I have learned a lot about my sons since January, and I have witnessed the good things that I have taught them.
From a very early age I have taught my sons that you value a person by their heart not their appearance. Actually, that is the one thing they know for sure that will bring the wrath out from their mother. They have witnessed that, and they also know their mom will defend their hearts over someones opinion of what they look like. They have to have strong hearts and minds to face this world. They have to know the truth of the world and people. They have to understand people make mistakes, but you stand by them anyway. That makes them a strong man, not a coward.
I have taught them the verse "we reap what we sow," and the amazing part is that I am receiving their kindness and love everyday because of that. They love me with all of my faults. They remind me when I forget to do something, laugh, and say it is OK mom. They remind me that I am not supposed to cuss like a sailor, or yell at talk radio. They remind me that calling someone an idiot is not nice. They remind me when I shouldn't be doing something that I am doing it, because I told them that it was wrong.
It is a blessing from God that I get to witness their beautiful hearts, and know that I played a role in that. I have been worried about my boys the most, and how they are handling this journey their mom is facing. A friend reminded me that God loves them more and can care for them far greater than I ever could. I can breathe, and give myself a break. I can trust that He has them, and what God is allowing in their mother's life will make them strong men.
They have been teaching me to just live for the day. They have been teaching me that is OK to cry. They have been teaching me to pick myself when all I really want to do is lay there. They have reminded me to give hugs and kisses just because someone needs that. They have reminded me to laugh. They have reminded to love more. They have reminded me to value what it is right in front of me. They have reminded me that their mom is beautiful.
Look at your kids and think of all the good things they do, and remember you had a part in that ladies. Remember that they laugh because you laugh. They love because you love. They hug because you hug. They kiss because you kiss. They dance because you dance. They are kind because you are kind. They say they are sorry, because you say you are sorry. Remember you are raising children that will be cherished by others, because you trained them to be incredible people. Look at them and remind yourself they are living just for day, so give yourself a break.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her children rise up and call her blessed; Proverbs 31:27-28
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From a very early age I have taught my sons that you value a person by their heart not their appearance. Actually, that is the one thing they know for sure that will bring the wrath out from their mother. They have witnessed that, and they also know their mom will defend their hearts over someones opinion of what they look like. They have to have strong hearts and minds to face this world. They have to know the truth of the world and people. They have to understand people make mistakes, but you stand by them anyway. That makes them a strong man, not a coward.
I have taught them the verse "we reap what we sow," and the amazing part is that I am receiving their kindness and love everyday because of that. They love me with all of my faults. They remind me when I forget to do something, laugh, and say it is OK mom. They remind me that I am not supposed to cuss like a sailor, or yell at talk radio. They remind me that calling someone an idiot is not nice. They remind me when I shouldn't be doing something that I am doing it, because I told them that it was wrong.
It is a blessing from God that I get to witness their beautiful hearts, and know that I played a role in that. I have been worried about my boys the most, and how they are handling this journey their mom is facing. A friend reminded me that God loves them more and can care for them far greater than I ever could. I can breathe, and give myself a break. I can trust that He has them, and what God is allowing in their mother's life will make them strong men.
They have been teaching me to just live for the day. They have been teaching me that is OK to cry. They have been teaching me to pick myself when all I really want to do is lay there. They have reminded me to give hugs and kisses just because someone needs that. They have reminded me to laugh. They have reminded to love more. They have reminded me to value what it is right in front of me. They have reminded me that their mom is beautiful.
Look at your kids and think of all the good things they do, and remember you had a part in that ladies. Remember that they laugh because you laugh. They love because you love. They hug because you hug. They kiss because you kiss. They dance because you dance. They are kind because you are kind. They say they are sorry, because you say you are sorry. Remember you are raising children that will be cherished by others, because you trained them to be incredible people. Look at them and remind yourself they are living just for day, so give yourself a break.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her children rise up and call her blessed; Proverbs 31:27-28
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Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Loving Yourself
I finally broke down yesterday about everything that has been going on. I spoke with one of our pastors and it was an eye-opening experience for me. He said you are great at loving god and your neighbor, but what about yourself. I am not good at that at all, and I am not good at accepting that from others. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life.
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
Monday, May 6, 2013
Facing What Is In Our Hearts
Yesterday the sermon at our church was a powerful reminder of hope and courage. As a nation we live in the now, and forget as Christians that this is in God's plan. He knew of these things long before we did, but he gave us hope for the future that these things would pass if we believed in the promise of a new world. We are to wait for the bigger picture to be revealed. The outcome is always better than the trial.
As Christians we should know that these horrors of the world all go back to chapter 6 of Genesis; the fall. God placed the world in bondage for our sins. We would always know about evil, pain and suffering, because of a piece of fruit. God allows sin, because Adam and Eve chose to disobey. We can blame everyone else around us for our suffering, but fail to see that we are sinners just as much them. We choose to run just like Jonah did, but God caught Jonah
While I was in the hospital last week I was waiting to undergo an endoscopy. In the next room a man was so angry. He was angry that he had to suffer, to wait, to endure an illness. He kept yelling at the nurse that was trying to find out why he was sick. He was belittling her with insults and rage. He was angry that she had to care for others and not just him. His focus was just on himself and not that there were those around him that were also suffering. I felt such sadness for his heart. I felt sadness for the nurse that was trying to help.
Our selfishness is showing more and more, and we are angry that we don't get what we want. This man was ill, but if you look around even the smallest of problems creates this type of anger. We believe as Christians that we no longer have sin. We become prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous. We forget as Christians that we still have a sinful nature and are capable of committing the smallest of sins daily. We have not that God is waiting for us to learn humility. We resent the fact that people won't act and do the things we think they should do.
A few years ago a Christian told me that we should not share our private lives after reading a posting on this blog. That is not biblical. We should share and connect as believers so we can hold each other up through our trials. We should share so another can tell us what we are doing wrong, and to seek the father. A true sign of believer is someone that can humbly admit that they played a role in the problem. They can accept the rebuke or correction from a fellow believer, and try to overcome that failing. It takes great courage and strength to admit that we may be wrong.
As I grow in my relationship with God I realize that I respect individuals more for having the courage to face their trials and sufferings head on. I find I respect individuals that admit they fail far more than the ones that pretend they do nothing wrong. I find the ones than can admit they are wrong to be far stronger individuals. They have faith and believe that the father will help them and put others in their lives to give them strength. I find ones that understand their sinful nature and sins to be far greater followers of Christ.
If we choose to ignore our realities this is our choice, and we are to blame. If we choose our wants over those we love we are selfish. If we choose our busyness over friends he questions your faith. If we choose to believe that we never have to give up our desires, our wants for another we have missed why Christ came. If we choose to live with bitterness and resentment we do not understand grace, mercy or forgiveness. We make the choice to live our lives only thinking about ourselves, and resent those we profess love that ask to change. We should not be shocked when they very people love have no desire to change for us. We should not be shocked at all that they don't trust us. We choose to make someone feel guilty, and use love against them to gain what want without thought to what we are doing to them.
I have been given the gift illness to make me stronger in him. I don't see it as punishment I see it as a blessing to learn more about what is in my heart that makes him weep. The gifts through this have been far greater than I could have ever imagined. My marriage is healing, and my heart is softening. I love more and cherish more. I am finding out that I am loved and cherished for who I am. I am witnessing the Holy Spirit everyday through others. I am seeing the miracles that God grants when we begin to trust him and others more. Those are blessings and gifts that I am grateful for. When we learn to lose ourselves in him we begin to see what we have been missing, or ignoring.
As Christians we should know that these horrors of the world all go back to chapter 6 of Genesis; the fall. God placed the world in bondage for our sins. We would always know about evil, pain and suffering, because of a piece of fruit. God allows sin, because Adam and Eve chose to disobey. We can blame everyone else around us for our suffering, but fail to see that we are sinners just as much them. We choose to run just like Jonah did, but God caught Jonah
While I was in the hospital last week I was waiting to undergo an endoscopy. In the next room a man was so angry. He was angry that he had to suffer, to wait, to endure an illness. He kept yelling at the nurse that was trying to find out why he was sick. He was belittling her with insults and rage. He was angry that she had to care for others and not just him. His focus was just on himself and not that there were those around him that were also suffering. I felt such sadness for his heart. I felt sadness for the nurse that was trying to help.
Our selfishness is showing more and more, and we are angry that we don't get what we want. This man was ill, but if you look around even the smallest of problems creates this type of anger. We believe as Christians that we no longer have sin. We become prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous. We forget as Christians that we still have a sinful nature and are capable of committing the smallest of sins daily. We have not that God is waiting for us to learn humility. We resent the fact that people won't act and do the things we think they should do.
A few years ago a Christian told me that we should not share our private lives after reading a posting on this blog. That is not biblical. We should share and connect as believers so we can hold each other up through our trials. We should share so another can tell us what we are doing wrong, and to seek the father. A true sign of believer is someone that can humbly admit that they played a role in the problem. They can accept the rebuke or correction from a fellow believer, and try to overcome that failing. It takes great courage and strength to admit that we may be wrong.
As I grow in my relationship with God I realize that I respect individuals more for having the courage to face their trials and sufferings head on. I find I respect individuals that admit they fail far more than the ones that pretend they do nothing wrong. I find the ones than can admit they are wrong to be far stronger individuals. They have faith and believe that the father will help them and put others in their lives to give them strength. I find ones that understand their sinful nature and sins to be far greater followers of Christ.
If we choose to ignore our realities this is our choice, and we are to blame. If we choose our wants over those we love we are selfish. If we choose our busyness over friends he questions your faith. If we choose to believe that we never have to give up our desires, our wants for another we have missed why Christ came. If we choose to live with bitterness and resentment we do not understand grace, mercy or forgiveness. We make the choice to live our lives only thinking about ourselves, and resent those we profess love that ask to change. We should not be shocked when they very people love have no desire to change for us. We should not be shocked at all that they don't trust us. We choose to make someone feel guilty, and use love against them to gain what want without thought to what we are doing to them.
I have been given the gift illness to make me stronger in him. I don't see it as punishment I see it as a blessing to learn more about what is in my heart that makes him weep. The gifts through this have been far greater than I could have ever imagined. My marriage is healing, and my heart is softening. I love more and cherish more. I am finding out that I am loved and cherished for who I am. I am witnessing the Holy Spirit everyday through others. I am seeing the miracles that God grants when we begin to trust him and others more. Those are blessings and gifts that I am grateful for. When we learn to lose ourselves in him we begin to see what we have been missing, or ignoring.
Friday, March 22, 2013
My Decieved Heart
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own, way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This is the verse where we tend to gravitate towards the love part, and forgot the sin part. I need to remember that he is love, and that he bears all things for us - I can't do that. One of our pastors said something Wednesday that is very true; we do not understand the depth of our sin. Satan loves to hit me with my sins. He loves reminding me of how sinful I am. He loves telling me I need to take on burdens of everyone around me so they know that I love them. I am trying to do what Jesus did on the cross - take on all the sins of the ones I love without any regard to how that spiritually and physically will make me sick. I have enough of my own to deal with.
Yesterday, I went in to have a counseling session with one of our pastors and this verse came up. He read the verse and pointed out the sins that I was doing from our discussion. The Holy Spirit is working in us when we don't even realize it. I was studying this verse in the early hours of the morning before I went in. He gave me examples with my actions of how I was doing those sins. Now the hard part begins of training myself out of those habits so God will stop weeping for me. I am hurting the father that saved my heart.
I am not a patient person. I am not always so kind. I insist that I can sacrifice my heart for others, and I do it everyday. I keep saying to God just give it to me; I can handle what your son did on the cross. That is delusional. Satan is nurturing that part of me that God is punishing me for my sins with my MS. When I was diagnosed I believed he was punishing me, and I still do. I realized that for almost 12 years I still believe that, and I have dug myself in hole. I did that to myself not God. I have done it so well that I am begging him to return me to how it was 3 months ago when I was physically and emotionally trying to control it. This time around he is saying; "not this time babe."
On Wednesday I sat in my doctor's office staring at my MRI scans and the visual reality of the MS. I was staring at the little white lesion on my spinal cord that my doctor and I know wasn't there 3 years ago. I am used to seeing the ones on my brain, however I have never had one on my spinal cord. That is the one tearing me apart. We don't know if it popped up last year, the year before, or this year. I was standing outside waiting for my car in a state of shock. At that moment I heard him saying you have no control it is mine. I know he will pound me with his truth and he is doing pretty good job; the good and the bad. I don't always listen and I am stubborn.
During this session he told me what he had said to my husband; your wife loves you so much that she would take on yours sins and hers for your salvation. I think my sweet husband was in shock. I would do it for him, and my sons in heartbeat. I really do not believe that I don't deserve him for marrying me when he knew I was sick. I am in awe that God gave me my boys knowing I was sick. I can't stop myself from putting burdens on my shoulders and heart that God never asked me to do. I have no idea how I am going to get through this without God. I am scared of facing this with him, and letting go of so much.
I know that people that love me have been praying for me to break, and stop. God is so good that during this he not only has shown my sins, but has shown what he delights in. He has shown me how others love me even though I feel I don't deserve it. He has shown me how much he loves me, and he isn't going to let me go. I am not a vain person about appearance. I have no problem with just throwing on clothes and going. I very rarely wear make-up. I don't want to be seen for my appearance. I don't want to become conceited in my looks. I am very messy and that is a reflection of my heart; messy. Years ago a friend said to me "you have no idea what you look like do you?" I asked what are you talking about? She said you are so beautiful, and don't even know it. I have to admit that God did an ok job. I need to remember that he sees the beauty in my heart and the physical beauty that he created. I am not a receiver. I am a taker; I will take and take until I can take no more so I fall.
This is the verse where we tend to gravitate towards the love part, and forgot the sin part. I need to remember that he is love, and that he bears all things for us - I can't do that. One of our pastors said something Wednesday that is very true; we do not understand the depth of our sin. Satan loves to hit me with my sins. He loves reminding me of how sinful I am. He loves telling me I need to take on burdens of everyone around me so they know that I love them. I am trying to do what Jesus did on the cross - take on all the sins of the ones I love without any regard to how that spiritually and physically will make me sick. I have enough of my own to deal with.
Yesterday, I went in to have a counseling session with one of our pastors and this verse came up. He read the verse and pointed out the sins that I was doing from our discussion. The Holy Spirit is working in us when we don't even realize it. I was studying this verse in the early hours of the morning before I went in. He gave me examples with my actions of how I was doing those sins. Now the hard part begins of training myself out of those habits so God will stop weeping for me. I am hurting the father that saved my heart.
I am not a patient person. I am not always so kind. I insist that I can sacrifice my heart for others, and I do it everyday. I keep saying to God just give it to me; I can handle what your son did on the cross. That is delusional. Satan is nurturing that part of me that God is punishing me for my sins with my MS. When I was diagnosed I believed he was punishing me, and I still do. I realized that for almost 12 years I still believe that, and I have dug myself in hole. I did that to myself not God. I have done it so well that I am begging him to return me to how it was 3 months ago when I was physically and emotionally trying to control it. This time around he is saying; "not this time babe."
On Wednesday I sat in my doctor's office staring at my MRI scans and the visual reality of the MS. I was staring at the little white lesion on my spinal cord that my doctor and I know wasn't there 3 years ago. I am used to seeing the ones on my brain, however I have never had one on my spinal cord. That is the one tearing me apart. We don't know if it popped up last year, the year before, or this year. I was standing outside waiting for my car in a state of shock. At that moment I heard him saying you have no control it is mine. I know he will pound me with his truth and he is doing pretty good job; the good and the bad. I don't always listen and I am stubborn.
During this session he told me what he had said to my husband; your wife loves you so much that she would take on yours sins and hers for your salvation. I think my sweet husband was in shock. I would do it for him, and my sons in heartbeat. I really do not believe that I don't deserve him for marrying me when he knew I was sick. I am in awe that God gave me my boys knowing I was sick. I can't stop myself from putting burdens on my shoulders and heart that God never asked me to do. I have no idea how I am going to get through this without God. I am scared of facing this with him, and letting go of so much.
I know that people that love me have been praying for me to break, and stop. God is so good that during this he not only has shown my sins, but has shown what he delights in. He has shown me how others love me even though I feel I don't deserve it. He has shown me how much he loves me, and he isn't going to let me go. I am not a vain person about appearance. I have no problem with just throwing on clothes and going. I very rarely wear make-up. I don't want to be seen for my appearance. I don't want to become conceited in my looks. I am very messy and that is a reflection of my heart; messy. Years ago a friend said to me "you have no idea what you look like do you?" I asked what are you talking about? She said you are so beautiful, and don't even know it. I have to admit that God did an ok job. I need to remember that he sees the beauty in my heart and the physical beauty that he created. I am not a receiver. I am a taker; I will take and take until I can take no more so I fall.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Marriage
"The Bible says that what is most important in a good marriage is love for God overruling love for self. What is really important in a good marriage is the pursuit of the needs of others rather than your own. What really matters is having a submissive heart that cares more about the other, true spiritual joy, gratitude, devotion to God and His Kingdom and His purposes and His glory, true holiness, obedience to Scripture." John MacArthur
I will give a you hint; biblical marriage is the correct way. Paul spoke a great deal about the Christian marriage. God views marriage as one of the most sacred of covenants. In Ephesians 5 Paul explains the submission of our hearts to one another. It is about sacrifice of our wants for each other the moment we become one. God killed his son. That was his sacrifice, and do we really believe that he wanted to do that? He had to do it so he didn't wipe us out for our selfishness, and unwillingness to accept his authority. If we don't sacrifice in our marriages we will never understand his love.
I remembered a yelling match between my dad and I during my tyrannical, teenage years. I wanted something, and it was causing problems between my dad and step mom. My dad looked in my eyes, and very firmly said "your step mom comes before you." When I got married my dad said "remember no one comes above your husband. If your mom, or I do you tell us to "f" off even if we are right." He said no one comes above your husband; not your parents, not your children, not your friends." My parents are very good about not involving themselves in our marriage. There have only been a few times where I have had to stop them from interfering. They were right, but they don't have that authority any longer my life. I adore my parents, and I so grateful that god made me their child.
I always learn something from my attacks. It is usually about how I am denying his authority in areas of my heart that I don't always see, or I have ignored for far too long. This attack has done it's damage physically and emotionally. One of our pastor's wives said "you are not a good receiver (she hit the nail on the head)." The interesting part is if I know that you are a true follower of Christ I can handle the rebuke, however if I suspect that you aren't I don't handle it very well. Also, I have a very hard time believing that I am loved and cherished. God loves you because he made you. We don't deserve that love, and we never will. False doctrine teaches you that you do, and you really don't. There is nothing we can do in our works that can be enough. We have to live on the faith that he does, and he will forgive when we repent. It makes me weep of how loved I am by him, and that I don't deserve it. I am in a beautiful love affair with Christ, and so very grateful for his gift.
I thought about that statement and why she was right; I have trust issues. I trust Him to love, cherish, protect and give mercy, but people not so much. At the ripe old age of 8 when my parents divorced I learned how to guard my heart and not trust. Divorce trains our children not to trust. Our selfish desire not to stand by each other in good times and bad destroys our children's hearts. The hard part will be for our children is to break that cycle - going the opposite direction. The other part is when we are indifferent to our spouses needs or wants we train our children to be selfish in their marriages. So many in the baby boomer generation got it wrong, and now look at our nation. The below verse is how God will view our children and we don't want that for our children. This verse is not just about money.
"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8
The first year of marriage was the worst year. I realized in the last couple of weeks that I have held on to a great deal of resentment and anger from that first year. So many people told us to divorce, and they were Christians. We almost did. So many accused me of not loving my husband, because of actions or words. I was so very angry, and sad that I was given a disease that physically could force me not to walk. My husband was so very depressed that he had been laid off, and he could not provide for us. Because of those words and actions by others the wall came up, and my guilt of this beautiful man having to carry this burden has nearly destroyed my heart, and health. I denied the authority of God right at that moment, and my dad's words of allowing others in. I am responsible for that to God. I fear him above others, and that is the way it should be.
God pulled the rug out from under us big time beginning right before Thanksgiving. He slammed us with the reality of a disease, and he wanted us to see that we are one. I have no right to deny my husband's care for me. I have no right to do that, because he is a man. That is a man's job and responsibility to do that. God created husbands do that, and if women do not allow that you are denying God's role for you. It says a lot about our faith in how we hold each other up in the small things and the big things. It says a lot about your faith in what you allow in to one of His most sacred of gifts. The intention of others may be good, but sometimes those intentions cause massive problems or division. Those intentions could destroy a marriage. Individuals that do that need to remember He will hold you accountable to it.
It has taken me 11 years and a very bad attack to deal with this. This time around I am more willing to trust that God will give me the strength, no matter how hard it is to face. His love and mercy is already working. The Holy Spirit is cradling my husband and I. The day I was told there was a possibility that I had MS, and they would have to do one more test was one of the hardest. It was also one of the greatest days in my relationship with my husband. We clung to each other that entire day without interruption. We cried with sorrow and fear, but the love was overwhelming. We got that back after years of damaging each other, and God reminded us of that. A disease that nearly destroyed us will always bring us back together, because we are one. I have to let my husband do his role, because God made him for that. We always have to hold ourselves accountable to it. Women have a great deal of power remember that. Remember Eve.
Christian parents have a responsibility to train their daughters and sons in biblical marriage. My husband and I have a huge responsibility of training our sons to be men. Our actions in our marriage will train them in how they will be married. If we don't sacrifice for one another they won't do that in theirs. This feel good doctrine, the "me only" doctrine has destroyed this nation, and families. I hope that we have the strength to face that. We have denied his authority, and I pray that we have we are able to handle really hard times ahead. We can't ignore our problems, trials or hardships...He will push them out.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33
I will give a you hint; biblical marriage is the correct way. Paul spoke a great deal about the Christian marriage. God views marriage as one of the most sacred of covenants. In Ephesians 5 Paul explains the submission of our hearts to one another. It is about sacrifice of our wants for each other the moment we become one. God killed his son. That was his sacrifice, and do we really believe that he wanted to do that? He had to do it so he didn't wipe us out for our selfishness, and unwillingness to accept his authority. If we don't sacrifice in our marriages we will never understand his love.
I remembered a yelling match between my dad and I during my tyrannical, teenage years. I wanted something, and it was causing problems between my dad and step mom. My dad looked in my eyes, and very firmly said "your step mom comes before you." When I got married my dad said "remember no one comes above your husband. If your mom, or I do you tell us to "f" off even if we are right." He said no one comes above your husband; not your parents, not your children, not your friends." My parents are very good about not involving themselves in our marriage. There have only been a few times where I have had to stop them from interfering. They were right, but they don't have that authority any longer my life. I adore my parents, and I so grateful that god made me their child.
I always learn something from my attacks. It is usually about how I am denying his authority in areas of my heart that I don't always see, or I have ignored for far too long. This attack has done it's damage physically and emotionally. One of our pastor's wives said "you are not a good receiver (she hit the nail on the head)." The interesting part is if I know that you are a true follower of Christ I can handle the rebuke, however if I suspect that you aren't I don't handle it very well. Also, I have a very hard time believing that I am loved and cherished. God loves you because he made you. We don't deserve that love, and we never will. False doctrine teaches you that you do, and you really don't. There is nothing we can do in our works that can be enough. We have to live on the faith that he does, and he will forgive when we repent. It makes me weep of how loved I am by him, and that I don't deserve it. I am in a beautiful love affair with Christ, and so very grateful for his gift.
I thought about that statement and why she was right; I have trust issues. I trust Him to love, cherish, protect and give mercy, but people not so much. At the ripe old age of 8 when my parents divorced I learned how to guard my heart and not trust. Divorce trains our children not to trust. Our selfish desire not to stand by each other in good times and bad destroys our children's hearts. The hard part will be for our children is to break that cycle - going the opposite direction. The other part is when we are indifferent to our spouses needs or wants we train our children to be selfish in their marriages. So many in the baby boomer generation got it wrong, and now look at our nation. The below verse is how God will view our children and we don't want that for our children. This verse is not just about money.
"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8
The first year of marriage was the worst year. I realized in the last couple of weeks that I have held on to a great deal of resentment and anger from that first year. So many people told us to divorce, and they were Christians. We almost did. So many accused me of not loving my husband, because of actions or words. I was so very angry, and sad that I was given a disease that physically could force me not to walk. My husband was so very depressed that he had been laid off, and he could not provide for us. Because of those words and actions by others the wall came up, and my guilt of this beautiful man having to carry this burden has nearly destroyed my heart, and health. I denied the authority of God right at that moment, and my dad's words of allowing others in. I am responsible for that to God. I fear him above others, and that is the way it should be.
God pulled the rug out from under us big time beginning right before Thanksgiving. He slammed us with the reality of a disease, and he wanted us to see that we are one. I have no right to deny my husband's care for me. I have no right to do that, because he is a man. That is a man's job and responsibility to do that. God created husbands do that, and if women do not allow that you are denying God's role for you. It says a lot about our faith in how we hold each other up in the small things and the big things. It says a lot about your faith in what you allow in to one of His most sacred of gifts. The intention of others may be good, but sometimes those intentions cause massive problems or division. Those intentions could destroy a marriage. Individuals that do that need to remember He will hold you accountable to it.
It has taken me 11 years and a very bad attack to deal with this. This time around I am more willing to trust that God will give me the strength, no matter how hard it is to face. His love and mercy is already working. The Holy Spirit is cradling my husband and I. The day I was told there was a possibility that I had MS, and they would have to do one more test was one of the hardest. It was also one of the greatest days in my relationship with my husband. We clung to each other that entire day without interruption. We cried with sorrow and fear, but the love was overwhelming. We got that back after years of damaging each other, and God reminded us of that. A disease that nearly destroyed us will always bring us back together, because we are one. I have to let my husband do his role, because God made him for that. We always have to hold ourselves accountable to it. Women have a great deal of power remember that. Remember Eve.
Christian parents have a responsibility to train their daughters and sons in biblical marriage. My husband and I have a huge responsibility of training our sons to be men. Our actions in our marriage will train them in how they will be married. If we don't sacrifice for one another they won't do that in theirs. This feel good doctrine, the "me only" doctrine has destroyed this nation, and families. I hope that we have the strength to face that. We have denied his authority, and I pray that we have we are able to handle really hard times ahead. We can't ignore our problems, trials or hardships...He will push them out.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
change
"What really matters is having a submissive heart that cares more about the other, true spiritual joy, gratitude, devotion to God and His Kingdom and His purposes and His glory, true holiness, obedience to Scripture." John MacArthur
my mom gave me a card yesterday that is not normal for her; she cried and i cried. we are not a sappy, love kind of family. my parents are the type of people that actions speak louder than words type of folk. you have to earn words like that from them. they have given a lot to others over the years and they expect that from their children. actions speak much louder than words with them. they have been known to call people out to their faces, including their children, for what their true motives are, and people didn't like it so much. they have made mistakes over the years, but they have owned up to them. not many people do that.
i am not good at receiving love from others. actually, it is driving me crazy right now. god forces us out of our comfort zone for the better. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't even like hearing thank you from others. when he gave me his gift my responsibility was to become the above. his glory is the most important thing not anything else. i am learning a huge lesson about the verse "we reap what we sow." it is making me very uncomfortable, but apparently he thought i needed it. i am having a very hard time accepting it emotionally. physically i have no choice. the only reason why is because i feel like i have not done enough for him and others. i am trying to accept that i will never be able to do that. i am having to give up some things that i would like to do for him and that makes me sad. it is the difference of knowing what he wants us to do and what we want to do.
i can't plan for anything anymore. we can't plan and in a society where everything has to be planned it is a shock to the system. we literally are becoming the family that just takes it one day at a time. god is constantly changing his children. he is constantly saying change for me, and i am starting to see that people aren't so willing to really do that in this beautiful nation we live in, because it makes them uncomfortable. i am starting to see that people do not want to be removed from their comfort zones. my question is why do we care so much about what others are doing and not about the fact that god is showing is authority. do we not see that we need to repent for a whole bunch of stuff?
i wonder if people realize they are destroying their relationship with him by ignoring the fact you have to change for him. i am not saying that you will lose your salvation, however i wonder if you truly had it to begin with. the things we are saying are not sins are pretty big ones. it takes a lot of courage to face and admit that we may be wrong about what we are doing. we may be wrong in how we view god. scripture is what it is, we can't change it, and the individuals in our lives that speak his truth are the ones we need to listen to. they are telling the truth because they love you, because they were saved by him. his glory is the only thing that should be of value to us. his wants, his desires, his beauty, his love is what is the most valuable. that reflects in our lives.
i read a posting about why our children leave the church after high school; it isn't real. they can't handle the real world. they can't handle it when people tell them no, and god does not give them everything they want. they have grown up in the tradition that god is only love, but he never has wrath when we ignore his authority. they don't understand their sinful natures. they don't understand what it means to be his. our pastor said something a while ago about christians that have not be baptized (i am talking about how jesus was baptized, matthew 3:13-17, not infant baptism); they have a problem with authority. jesus showed us how to be baptized and we still argue that infant baptism is the right way. we have a problem with the way he tells how to do something. i have a problem with that.
i have never in my life felt so much love as i have the last month from him and others. i let a wall down that he needed me to let go of, but it will take time. it is much easier to live that way instead of fighting all the time. we have to start showing people what it means to be his children. out of our love for him we have to learn how to accept what we may be doing is wrong. we have to stay woundable and open to the fact that we need his salvation, his love, his grace, his mercy first in our lives.
22 to put off your old self,[a] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24
i appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:1-2
my mom gave me a card yesterday that is not normal for her; she cried and i cried. we are not a sappy, love kind of family. my parents are the type of people that actions speak louder than words type of folk. you have to earn words like that from them. they have given a lot to others over the years and they expect that from their children. actions speak much louder than words with them. they have been known to call people out to their faces, including their children, for what their true motives are, and people didn't like it so much. they have made mistakes over the years, but they have owned up to them. not many people do that.
i am not good at receiving love from others. actually, it is driving me crazy right now. god forces us out of our comfort zone for the better. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't even like hearing thank you from others. when he gave me his gift my responsibility was to become the above. his glory is the most important thing not anything else. i am learning a huge lesson about the verse "we reap what we sow." it is making me very uncomfortable, but apparently he thought i needed it. i am having a very hard time accepting it emotionally. physically i have no choice. the only reason why is because i feel like i have not done enough for him and others. i am trying to accept that i will never be able to do that. i am having to give up some things that i would like to do for him and that makes me sad. it is the difference of knowing what he wants us to do and what we want to do.
i can't plan for anything anymore. we can't plan and in a society where everything has to be planned it is a shock to the system. we literally are becoming the family that just takes it one day at a time. god is constantly changing his children. he is constantly saying change for me, and i am starting to see that people aren't so willing to really do that in this beautiful nation we live in, because it makes them uncomfortable. i am starting to see that people do not want to be removed from their comfort zones. my question is why do we care so much about what others are doing and not about the fact that god is showing is authority. do we not see that we need to repent for a whole bunch of stuff?
i wonder if people realize they are destroying their relationship with him by ignoring the fact you have to change for him. i am not saying that you will lose your salvation, however i wonder if you truly had it to begin with. the things we are saying are not sins are pretty big ones. it takes a lot of courage to face and admit that we may be wrong about what we are doing. we may be wrong in how we view god. scripture is what it is, we can't change it, and the individuals in our lives that speak his truth are the ones we need to listen to. they are telling the truth because they love you, because they were saved by him. his glory is the only thing that should be of value to us. his wants, his desires, his beauty, his love is what is the most valuable. that reflects in our lives.
i read a posting about why our children leave the church after high school; it isn't real. they can't handle the real world. they can't handle it when people tell them no, and god does not give them everything they want. they have grown up in the tradition that god is only love, but he never has wrath when we ignore his authority. they don't understand their sinful natures. they don't understand what it means to be his. our pastor said something a while ago about christians that have not be baptized (i am talking about how jesus was baptized, matthew 3:13-17, not infant baptism); they have a problem with authority. jesus showed us how to be baptized and we still argue that infant baptism is the right way. we have a problem with the way he tells how to do something. i have a problem with that.
i have never in my life felt so much love as i have the last month from him and others. i let a wall down that he needed me to let go of, but it will take time. it is much easier to live that way instead of fighting all the time. we have to start showing people what it means to be his children. out of our love for him we have to learn how to accept what we may be doing is wrong. we have to stay woundable and open to the fact that we need his salvation, his love, his grace, his mercy first in our lives.
22 to put off your old self,[a] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24
i appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:1-2
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Finding Peace with His Authority
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King Jr.
The MS has done it's damage now. My husband, my boys and I will have to accept the new challenges. I have great peace about it, because my husband and I are clinging to each other. My boys get to see that and that is part of the gift. They will understand what marriage is supposed to be. My husband being a man wants to fix it and he can't. We have had to accept what we have always known could be a possibility, because now it is here. That is the ironic part; even though we know the truth it doesn't mean we always accept it.
My sweet mama yesterday asked if I had spoken with my doctor about getting better. I told her "mom, I am getting better but it won't be the same anymore. I won't be what I was 2 months ago, and my doctor can't fix it, she can only get me to where I can live with what it is now." Pray for my mom this will be hard for her. Pray for my daddy he is having to go through the same thing. Part of my strength comes from them. I thank God that they always made their children face the reality of the world.
A friend came over and we were talking about our lives. In the course of the conversation she asked if I was angry with God about this, and I said no. I can't be angry with God for giving me this disease that brought me to him and always brings me closer to him. Sure, I am little annoyed because I don't believe for a moment that our circumstance should ever be used not to do something. I think that individuals that are not willing to change for God and the ones they profess to love are delusional. I don't care how hard it is because all that shows is your lack of faith, and selfishness. This idea that you don't have to change is a joke. Someone has taught you that you just have to sit around, and not do anything. God isn't going to just magically change your heart without any work from you. If you are denying to yourself and others that you don't have to change there seems to be a disconnect about what it means to be a christian.
A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Trying to protect those around me about this disease, sugar coat it, or try to control it is gone. I can't control something I have no control over. We can't do that, and that is denying his authority which is a sin. I have done a very good job of it, and I am tired of doing it. I have given a lot - far more than I needed to. It wasn't my job, and I can't do it anymore. The harshness of it is that if people don't want to deal with it that is their issue not mine.
The beauty and gift of this is that my marriage is healing. My boys get to see the holy spirit work in the individuals that have been helping us, and what it means to love god so much that we are willing to help one another. They will know that God does not heal all illness, that there is real pain and suffering, and there is fear. They will be able to discern real Christians from the fake ones, and be able to call them out on it. They will know that God is greater, has bigger shoulders and we are to glorify him through all of it. I don't even have to tell them, because they get to see God working in our lives everyday. They get to see that he sustains us each day, and that they are not always going to get what they want or feel they deserve out of life.
It is a very real journey for them, and that is what God is about; truth. They will have the ability to sacrifice for God and others without any regard to themselves. They will know that they have to be willing to uphold their wives and children. They will have to give parts of themselves up for their families. That whole feel good preaching that so many do will not apply in their lives, because they will now that it isn't real. They will find out that God does tell them the truth, and they will have to face their trials head on - they have no choice. They won't always do what is right, but hey they will know that God will help them get through it.
I am so grateful for this attack. I am so grateful to him for what he has given us. We have not for a moment not felt his love and mercy. We have gotten to see the holy spirit working constantly around us, and it is beautiful. I am so very blessed that he gave me this, because I needed it. I have learned just how cherished and loved I am by him, and others. I have learned that he can strip everything away in a moment, and force you to see what it is right of you; the good and the bad. He asked if I was willing, and I am willing. If you pray for that I hope you have strong enough faith to face everything that it is your heart, because you are going to need it.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
The MS has done it's damage now. My husband, my boys and I will have to accept the new challenges. I have great peace about it, because my husband and I are clinging to each other. My boys get to see that and that is part of the gift. They will understand what marriage is supposed to be. My husband being a man wants to fix it and he can't. We have had to accept what we have always known could be a possibility, because now it is here. That is the ironic part; even though we know the truth it doesn't mean we always accept it.
My sweet mama yesterday asked if I had spoken with my doctor about getting better. I told her "mom, I am getting better but it won't be the same anymore. I won't be what I was 2 months ago, and my doctor can't fix it, she can only get me to where I can live with what it is now." Pray for my mom this will be hard for her. Pray for my daddy he is having to go through the same thing. Part of my strength comes from them. I thank God that they always made their children face the reality of the world.
A friend came over and we were talking about our lives. In the course of the conversation she asked if I was angry with God about this, and I said no. I can't be angry with God for giving me this disease that brought me to him and always brings me closer to him. Sure, I am little annoyed because I don't believe for a moment that our circumstance should ever be used not to do something. I think that individuals that are not willing to change for God and the ones they profess to love are delusional. I don't care how hard it is because all that shows is your lack of faith, and selfishness. This idea that you don't have to change is a joke. Someone has taught you that you just have to sit around, and not do anything. God isn't going to just magically change your heart without any work from you. If you are denying to yourself and others that you don't have to change there seems to be a disconnect about what it means to be a christian.
A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Trying to protect those around me about this disease, sugar coat it, or try to control it is gone. I can't control something I have no control over. We can't do that, and that is denying his authority which is a sin. I have done a very good job of it, and I am tired of doing it. I have given a lot - far more than I needed to. It wasn't my job, and I can't do it anymore. The harshness of it is that if people don't want to deal with it that is their issue not mine.
The beauty and gift of this is that my marriage is healing. My boys get to see the holy spirit work in the individuals that have been helping us, and what it means to love god so much that we are willing to help one another. They will know that God does not heal all illness, that there is real pain and suffering, and there is fear. They will be able to discern real Christians from the fake ones, and be able to call them out on it. They will know that God is greater, has bigger shoulders and we are to glorify him through all of it. I don't even have to tell them, because they get to see God working in our lives everyday. They get to see that he sustains us each day, and that they are not always going to get what they want or feel they deserve out of life.
It is a very real journey for them, and that is what God is about; truth. They will have the ability to sacrifice for God and others without any regard to themselves. They will know that they have to be willing to uphold their wives and children. They will have to give parts of themselves up for their families. That whole feel good preaching that so many do will not apply in their lives, because they will now that it isn't real. They will find out that God does tell them the truth, and they will have to face their trials head on - they have no choice. They won't always do what is right, but hey they will know that God will help them get through it.
I am so grateful for this attack. I am so grateful to him for what he has given us. We have not for a moment not felt his love and mercy. We have gotten to see the holy spirit working constantly around us, and it is beautiful. I am so very blessed that he gave me this, because I needed it. I have learned just how cherished and loved I am by him, and others. I have learned that he can strip everything away in a moment, and force you to see what it is right of you; the good and the bad. He asked if I was willing, and I am willing. If you pray for that I hope you have strong enough faith to face everything that it is your heart, because you are going to need it.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
Friday, February 22, 2013
Mercy
Mercy is my new prayer. I have been asking for prayers of mercy for myself and my family. I have been praying for us to have merciful hearts towards one another during this time. I have been praying for us to show and give mercy just as God does for us. Through all of this it has been about giving myself mercy and others. It has been realizing that we are connected as one and we need to give each other a break. We need to learn how to be merciful and we are not a merciful people.
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Suffering
This is attack is different I have come to realize. The MS was asleep and now it is awake. I asked myself the question would I give up this disease if there was a cure; I don't know. The reason I say that is in my strength and arrogance I would turn to myself more and not him. I would miss the thirst for him. I would miss the reality of knowing him, learning about him, and suffering for him. I would miss that. We are to rejoice in our sufferings just as much as we rejoice in our blessings. This gift was given not to help others, but to heal my heart. It was given so I would become his.
So many people ask why a God of love would allow suffering. Many say my God is a God of love and he doesn't want me to suffer. For those that ask, or believe that God does not allow suffering should read Matthew chapter 27, Mark chapter 15, Luke Chapter 23, and John chapter 19. Jesus was mocked, tortured and killed how could we not suffer?
"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
He suffered so we suffer. He weeped so we weep. He had pain so we have pain. Every christian that follows him will suffer, but we have hope in eternal heaven with him. We should pray for individuals to have discernment. We should pray for them to see the light and to stop hating God for his authority. God's authority is not mocked.
I can never earn a gift that was given so freely that I did not deserve (that is the problem so many of us think we deserve it.) I can never be perfect for him, but I can learn to become like him in all things. I can learn love, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace. He gave me that so I am to give that. This is where the testing of the spirits come in. Are we doing it for his glory, or for the appearance? Are we doing it so others will think we are good, or for him alone. Are we willing to sacrifice as he did? Are we willing to the let the wall fall so we understand his suffering?
I am a fierce mother that God is asking me if I am willing to let them see me suffer? Their births were a miracle in my life. These boys are dependent on me a little too much. We don't want our children to feel pain or feel sadness, but they will. They will be scared in their lives and we can't shield them from that. We can only tell them that God will protect them, and show them that. The super mom in myself is being tested. Am I willing to suffer in my gift, and let them see or will they be blindsided in life later? We train our children to either face their realities head on or we shelter them too much from those realities. What are we truly willing to do for our children is the question.
We are a nation in great crisis. My parent's generation trained their daughters to end innocence just because they believe it is their right; abortion. My parent's generation trained their children to end marriages when it got too tough and they weren't willing to sacrifice themselves for each other; divorce. We are a people that believe we are owed without sacrifice. We are a people that believe our feelings should never be hurt. We are people that believe God would not turn his back on us. We have a choice to either face our realities, our pain, our fears, our weaknesses, or we live in a fairy tale that doesn't exist. Are we willing to suffer as he suffered for others. Are we willing to show that? These are the questions that his children should ask therselves in their journey.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
The biggest lessons I am learning is to trust others without questioning their motives. Is to be loved as I love others. To be cherished as I cherish others. To be accepted as I accept others. To admit I don't know what else he has planned for us, but to trust that whatever comes is for his glory. That I must relent, and repent for my failings to him in all things that gives him pain. I have no choice, because I took is gift of grace and salvation.
When I was diagnosed I became the clay and he was my potter. He knew I would never accept his authority over my life without breaking me. He knew I was stubborn enough to ignore him and never admit my failings. He knew that I would rely on my own understanding and not his. He knew I would fail without accepting his laws for life. So I guess I wouldn't give it up, because knowing my heart I may give up him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34
So many people ask why a God of love would allow suffering. Many say my God is a God of love and he doesn't want me to suffer. For those that ask, or believe that God does not allow suffering should read Matthew chapter 27, Mark chapter 15, Luke Chapter 23, and John chapter 19. Jesus was mocked, tortured and killed how could we not suffer?
"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
He suffered so we suffer. He weeped so we weep. He had pain so we have pain. Every christian that follows him will suffer, but we have hope in eternal heaven with him. We should pray for individuals to have discernment. We should pray for them to see the light and to stop hating God for his authority. God's authority is not mocked.
I can never earn a gift that was given so freely that I did not deserve (that is the problem so many of us think we deserve it.) I can never be perfect for him, but I can learn to become like him in all things. I can learn love, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace. He gave me that so I am to give that. This is where the testing of the spirits come in. Are we doing it for his glory, or for the appearance? Are we doing it so others will think we are good, or for him alone. Are we willing to sacrifice as he did? Are we willing to the let the wall fall so we understand his suffering?
I am a fierce mother that God is asking me if I am willing to let them see me suffer? Their births were a miracle in my life. These boys are dependent on me a little too much. We don't want our children to feel pain or feel sadness, but they will. They will be scared in their lives and we can't shield them from that. We can only tell them that God will protect them, and show them that. The super mom in myself is being tested. Am I willing to suffer in my gift, and let them see or will they be blindsided in life later? We train our children to either face their realities head on or we shelter them too much from those realities. What are we truly willing to do for our children is the question.
We are a nation in great crisis. My parent's generation trained their daughters to end innocence just because they believe it is their right; abortion. My parent's generation trained their children to end marriages when it got too tough and they weren't willing to sacrifice themselves for each other; divorce. We are a people that believe we are owed without sacrifice. We are a people that believe our feelings should never be hurt. We are people that believe God would not turn his back on us. We have a choice to either face our realities, our pain, our fears, our weaknesses, or we live in a fairy tale that doesn't exist. Are we willing to suffer as he suffered for others. Are we willing to show that? These are the questions that his children should ask therselves in their journey.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
The biggest lessons I am learning is to trust others without questioning their motives. Is to be loved as I love others. To be cherished as I cherish others. To be accepted as I accept others. To admit I don't know what else he has planned for us, but to trust that whatever comes is for his glory. That I must relent, and repent for my failings to him in all things that gives him pain. I have no choice, because I took is gift of grace and salvation.
When I was diagnosed I became the clay and he was my potter. He knew I would never accept his authority over my life without breaking me. He knew I was stubborn enough to ignore him and never admit my failings. He knew that I would rely on my own understanding and not his. He knew I would fail without accepting his laws for life. So I guess I wouldn't give it up, because knowing my heart I may give up him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34
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