I finally broke down yesterday about everything that has been going on. I spoke with one of our pastors and it was an eye-opening experience for me. He said you are great at loving god and your neighbor, but what about yourself. I am not good at that at all, and I am not good at accepting that from others. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life.
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
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