Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King Jr.
The MS has done it's damage now. My husband, my boys and I will have to accept the new challenges. I have great peace about it, because my husband and I are clinging to each other. My boys get to see that and that is part of the gift. They will understand what marriage is supposed to be. My husband being a man wants to fix it and he can't. We have had to accept what we have always known could be a possibility, because now it is here. That is the ironic part; even though we know the truth it doesn't mean we always accept it.
My sweet mama yesterday asked if I had spoken with my doctor about getting better. I told her "mom, I am getting better but it won't be the same anymore. I won't be what I was 2 months ago, and my doctor can't fix it, she can only get me to where I can live with what it is now." Pray for my mom this will be hard for her. Pray for my daddy he is having to go through the same thing. Part of my strength comes from them. I thank God that they always made their children face the reality of the world.
A friend came over and we were talking about our lives. In the course of the conversation she asked if I was angry with God about this, and I said no. I can't be angry with God for giving me this disease that brought me to him and always brings me closer to him. Sure, I am little annoyed because I don't believe for a moment that our circumstance should ever be used not to do something. I think that individuals that are not willing to change for God and the ones they profess to love are delusional. I don't care how hard it is because all that shows is your lack of faith, and selfishness. This idea that you don't have to change is a joke. Someone has taught you that you just have to sit around, and not do anything. God isn't going to just magically change your heart without any work from you. If you are denying to yourself and others that you don't have to change there seems to be a disconnect about what it means to be a christian.
A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Trying to protect those around me about this disease, sugar coat it, or try to control it is gone. I can't control something I have no control over. We can't do that, and that is denying his authority which is a sin. I have done a very good job of it, and I am tired of doing it. I have given a lot - far more than I needed to. It wasn't my job, and I can't do it anymore. The harshness of it is that if people don't want to deal with it that is their issue not mine.
The beauty and gift of this is that my marriage is healing. My boys get to see the holy spirit work in the individuals that have been helping us, and what it means to love god so much that we are willing to help one another. They will know that God does not heal all illness, that there is real pain and suffering, and there is fear. They will be able to discern real Christians from the fake ones, and be able to call them out on it. They will know that God is greater, has bigger shoulders and we are to glorify him through all of it. I don't even have to tell them, because they get to see God working in our lives everyday. They get to see that he sustains us each day, and that they are not always going to get what they want or feel they deserve out of life.
It is a very real journey for them, and that is what God is about; truth. They will have the ability to sacrifice for God and others without any regard to themselves. They will know that they have to be willing to uphold their wives and children. They will have to give parts of themselves up for their families. That whole feel good preaching that so many do will not apply in their lives, because they will now that it isn't real. They will find out that God does tell them the truth, and they will have to face their trials head on - they have no choice. They won't always do what is right, but hey they will know that God will help them get through it.
I am so grateful for this attack. I am so grateful to him for what he has given us. We have not for a moment not felt his love and mercy. We have gotten to see the holy spirit working constantly around us, and it is beautiful. I am so very blessed that he gave me this, because I needed it. I have learned just how cherished and loved I am by him, and others. I have learned that he can strip everything away in a moment, and force you to see what it is right of you; the good and the bad. He asked if I was willing, and I am willing. If you pray for that I hope you have strong enough faith to face everything that it is your heart, because you are going to need it.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Mercy
Mercy is my new prayer. I have been asking for prayers of mercy for myself and my family. I have been praying for us to have merciful hearts towards one another during this time. I have been praying for us to show and give mercy just as God does for us. Through all of this it has been about giving myself mercy and others. It has been realizing that we are connected as one and we need to give each other a break. We need to learn how to be merciful and we are not a merciful people.
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Suffering
This is attack is different I have come to realize. The MS was asleep and now it is awake. I asked myself the question would I give up this disease if there was a cure; I don't know. The reason I say that is in my strength and arrogance I would turn to myself more and not him. I would miss the thirst for him. I would miss the reality of knowing him, learning about him, and suffering for him. I would miss that. We are to rejoice in our sufferings just as much as we rejoice in our blessings. This gift was given not to help others, but to heal my heart. It was given so I would become his.
So many people ask why a God of love would allow suffering. Many say my God is a God of love and he doesn't want me to suffer. For those that ask, or believe that God does not allow suffering should read Matthew chapter 27, Mark chapter 15, Luke Chapter 23, and John chapter 19. Jesus was mocked, tortured and killed how could we not suffer?
"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
He suffered so we suffer. He weeped so we weep. He had pain so we have pain. Every christian that follows him will suffer, but we have hope in eternal heaven with him. We should pray for individuals to have discernment. We should pray for them to see the light and to stop hating God for his authority. God's authority is not mocked.
I can never earn a gift that was given so freely that I did not deserve (that is the problem so many of us think we deserve it.) I can never be perfect for him, but I can learn to become like him in all things. I can learn love, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace. He gave me that so I am to give that. This is where the testing of the spirits come in. Are we doing it for his glory, or for the appearance? Are we doing it so others will think we are good, or for him alone. Are we willing to sacrifice as he did? Are we willing to the let the wall fall so we understand his suffering?
I am a fierce mother that God is asking me if I am willing to let them see me suffer? Their births were a miracle in my life. These boys are dependent on me a little too much. We don't want our children to feel pain or feel sadness, but they will. They will be scared in their lives and we can't shield them from that. We can only tell them that God will protect them, and show them that. The super mom in myself is being tested. Am I willing to suffer in my gift, and let them see or will they be blindsided in life later? We train our children to either face their realities head on or we shelter them too much from those realities. What are we truly willing to do for our children is the question.
We are a nation in great crisis. My parent's generation trained their daughters to end innocence just because they believe it is their right; abortion. My parent's generation trained their children to end marriages when it got too tough and they weren't willing to sacrifice themselves for each other; divorce. We are a people that believe we are owed without sacrifice. We are a people that believe our feelings should never be hurt. We are people that believe God would not turn his back on us. We have a choice to either face our realities, our pain, our fears, our weaknesses, or we live in a fairy tale that doesn't exist. Are we willing to suffer as he suffered for others. Are we willing to show that? These are the questions that his children should ask therselves in their journey.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
The biggest lessons I am learning is to trust others without questioning their motives. Is to be loved as I love others. To be cherished as I cherish others. To be accepted as I accept others. To admit I don't know what else he has planned for us, but to trust that whatever comes is for his glory. That I must relent, and repent for my failings to him in all things that gives him pain. I have no choice, because I took is gift of grace and salvation.
When I was diagnosed I became the clay and he was my potter. He knew I would never accept his authority over my life without breaking me. He knew I was stubborn enough to ignore him and never admit my failings. He knew that I would rely on my own understanding and not his. He knew I would fail without accepting his laws for life. So I guess I wouldn't give it up, because knowing my heart I may give up him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34
So many people ask why a God of love would allow suffering. Many say my God is a God of love and he doesn't want me to suffer. For those that ask, or believe that God does not allow suffering should read Matthew chapter 27, Mark chapter 15, Luke Chapter 23, and John chapter 19. Jesus was mocked, tortured and killed how could we not suffer?
"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
He suffered so we suffer. He weeped so we weep. He had pain so we have pain. Every christian that follows him will suffer, but we have hope in eternal heaven with him. We should pray for individuals to have discernment. We should pray for them to see the light and to stop hating God for his authority. God's authority is not mocked.
I can never earn a gift that was given so freely that I did not deserve (that is the problem so many of us think we deserve it.) I can never be perfect for him, but I can learn to become like him in all things. I can learn love, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace. He gave me that so I am to give that. This is where the testing of the spirits come in. Are we doing it for his glory, or for the appearance? Are we doing it so others will think we are good, or for him alone. Are we willing to sacrifice as he did? Are we willing to the let the wall fall so we understand his suffering?
I am a fierce mother that God is asking me if I am willing to let them see me suffer? Their births were a miracle in my life. These boys are dependent on me a little too much. We don't want our children to feel pain or feel sadness, but they will. They will be scared in their lives and we can't shield them from that. We can only tell them that God will protect them, and show them that. The super mom in myself is being tested. Am I willing to suffer in my gift, and let them see or will they be blindsided in life later? We train our children to either face their realities head on or we shelter them too much from those realities. What are we truly willing to do for our children is the question.
We are a nation in great crisis. My parent's generation trained their daughters to end innocence just because they believe it is their right; abortion. My parent's generation trained their children to end marriages when it got too tough and they weren't willing to sacrifice themselves for each other; divorce. We are a people that believe we are owed without sacrifice. We are a people that believe our feelings should never be hurt. We are people that believe God would not turn his back on us. We have a choice to either face our realities, our pain, our fears, our weaknesses, or we live in a fairy tale that doesn't exist. Are we willing to suffer as he suffered for others. Are we willing to show that? These are the questions that his children should ask therselves in their journey.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
The biggest lessons I am learning is to trust others without questioning their motives. Is to be loved as I love others. To be cherished as I cherish others. To be accepted as I accept others. To admit I don't know what else he has planned for us, but to trust that whatever comes is for his glory. That I must relent, and repent for my failings to him in all things that gives him pain. I have no choice, because I took is gift of grace and salvation.
When I was diagnosed I became the clay and he was my potter. He knew I would never accept his authority over my life without breaking me. He knew I was stubborn enough to ignore him and never admit my failings. He knew that I would rely on my own understanding and not his. He knew I would fail without accepting his laws for life. So I guess I wouldn't give it up, because knowing my heart I may give up him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
details
for a couple of years now god has been trying to get me to relent and share this disease. he has been trying for a long time to get me to explain it to others. this just goes along with the pride in my heart and that is all it is. that's it. it is hard for people to deal with individuals realities, and i don't like sharing that with others. it pains my heart when others are suffering, and this just adds to it if they ask. we all have sufferings in our life that we need to share, because he wants us to lean on each other. we are disobeying him when we don't do that. we are not meant to keep our sufferings private and that is not being a "humble" chrisitan. we should never feel shame for needing another in our lives.
i have a very dear friend that sent me an email last week that said "remember, i am the angel on your shoulder telling you no." she does it in a very sweet, loving way too i might add. it is a wonderful feeling to be loved by others, and i hope that i have been a good enough friend that i deserve that. i need to accept that care and love from others when most of the time i don't feel very deserving of that.
my last posting was about being selfish with a disease that i have no control over, and that of course is the lesson from christ. his authority is what controls my life not me. the really hard things in life that we don't want to deal with about ourselves is usually what controls us the most. he asking us to give him those things. i can't keep taking his control from him and not expect consequences.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
i understand that it is hard to trust him, and we believe he breaks promises because we don't get we want always from life. god doesn't break promises we do. one of the most beautiful promises in the entire bible is the rainbow. he wiped humanity from the earth, and promised noah with the rainbow that he wouldn't do it again. he hasn't done it. he does things for our own good, and he doesn't want us to fail. he tells us no for our own good, and that is ok to accept.
the only way to fully describe what my body is doing right now is the following. my left leg feels as though i tied a brick to it and i am trying to walk with it. my body is in so much pain the thought of being touched makes me flinch. the fatigue is the worst flu you have ever had, and it is not relenting. the burning that is in my body feels like it does when you get in a hot shower with cold feet - you know the burn right? it is 10 times worse.
i have new friends that have asked what will happen with this attack. here is the course of events for the next month. i will start iv treatment that takes any where from 3 to 4 hours. my body can not tolerate sometimes the speed of how fast the flow goes, and that is just from years of doing it. she will give me drugs for the harsh side effects. after we are done with the iv i will have to take meds to tamper down from the high dosages of the iv. it is a steroid that is basically in it's purest form. i will receive anti-nausea drugs, because my stomach is destroyed from all the years of it. i will have to take tons of calcium because it is destroying my bones. pain meds will be given because my body will start to wake up and the pain will be unbearable until we get it under control.
i don't talk to a lot of people, but i am incredibly grateful for your love. i am incredibly grateful for you taking time out of your lives to help me and my family. i am just trying right now to give my boys just the normal stuff until next week, so you may see me around. those boys are my gift from our father, and he gives me the strength for those moments. i am very grateful for that.
hold each other up. cling to each other if you have to. this makes his heart happy and glorifies him...
i have a very dear friend that sent me an email last week that said "remember, i am the angel on your shoulder telling you no." she does it in a very sweet, loving way too i might add. it is a wonderful feeling to be loved by others, and i hope that i have been a good enough friend that i deserve that. i need to accept that care and love from others when most of the time i don't feel very deserving of that.
my last posting was about being selfish with a disease that i have no control over, and that of course is the lesson from christ. his authority is what controls my life not me. the really hard things in life that we don't want to deal with about ourselves is usually what controls us the most. he asking us to give him those things. i can't keep taking his control from him and not expect consequences.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
i understand that it is hard to trust him, and we believe he breaks promises because we don't get we want always from life. god doesn't break promises we do. one of the most beautiful promises in the entire bible is the rainbow. he wiped humanity from the earth, and promised noah with the rainbow that he wouldn't do it again. he hasn't done it. he does things for our own good, and he doesn't want us to fail. he tells us no for our own good, and that is ok to accept.
the only way to fully describe what my body is doing right now is the following. my left leg feels as though i tied a brick to it and i am trying to walk with it. my body is in so much pain the thought of being touched makes me flinch. the fatigue is the worst flu you have ever had, and it is not relenting. the burning that is in my body feels like it does when you get in a hot shower with cold feet - you know the burn right? it is 10 times worse.
i have new friends that have asked what will happen with this attack. here is the course of events for the next month. i will start iv treatment that takes any where from 3 to 4 hours. my body can not tolerate sometimes the speed of how fast the flow goes, and that is just from years of doing it. she will give me drugs for the harsh side effects. after we are done with the iv i will have to take meds to tamper down from the high dosages of the iv. it is a steroid that is basically in it's purest form. i will receive anti-nausea drugs, because my stomach is destroyed from all the years of it. i will have to take tons of calcium because it is destroying my bones. pain meds will be given because my body will start to wake up and the pain will be unbearable until we get it under control.
i don't talk to a lot of people, but i am incredibly grateful for your love. i am incredibly grateful for you taking time out of your lives to help me and my family. i am just trying right now to give my boys just the normal stuff until next week, so you may see me around. those boys are my gift from our father, and he gives me the strength for those moments. i am very grateful for that.
hold each other up. cling to each other if you have to. this makes his heart happy and glorifies him...
Monday, February 4, 2013
Being Selfish
Wednesday morning with a lot of grace, love, and encouragement my ms doc let me walk out of her office giving me a chance to come to terms with a new chapter in our journey. I walked out knowing that I had just failed one of her big tests. I walked out knowing already what the MS was doing, because I have been there before. I walked out already trying too bury it, and ignore it. I walked out saying you can't be selfish, Jessica, because people will think you are using your MS. I walked out saying you can't be weak, that is not you, and it is not acceptable.
I walked out already saying the things I normally say to pump myself up. I will overcome this attack, I will not let those that love me worry, I will not allow my children's life to be disrupted, and most of all I will not let my husband help carry this burden. I won't let him do it because people will think I am being selfish when he is going through too much right now. Can you see the conversation - it is me telling God I can do it without him. I am telling him "I got this covered God so don't worry I will overcome it." I can hear him saying with love and a little chuckle; I have the authority not you.
"And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me." Matthew 28:18
My doctor actually said the words to me "you need to be selfish right now." She kept saying it, and I told her "no, I can't do that, you know that." I told her 'people will think I am selfish, and I know which ones will." She laughed and said "send them to me, because I know who you really are." Knowing her should would pull out the MRI scans, and say how selfish is she? I kept saying please don't make me do this because then I will have to admit that I need help. I don't want people to see that I am weak. I don't want them to see how dependent I am on my husband. Please don't make me do this to him right now. Please don't let my children see that their mom needs help, because they need me. Please don't let those people that have said I am selfish already say "see, I was right about her." Most of all let me pick who sees me when I am ill.
God and I are playing chess with each other. He is taking his pieces, and I am trying to figure out how to get those pieces back to win. I keep praying for him to remove the sins from my heart so I can truly glorify him, and he is patiently taking them. I am screaming "no don't do that yet, because that is my protection so people won't see that I am weak." He is testing my true faith in him to take care of it. The question is will I let him? The next question is can I take it if someone that professes love of Christ will ignore my sufferings? Can I handle that maybe I allowed too much pride to get in the way.
He is saying do you really trust me? He keeps saying you have too much pride and too much strength. He keeps saying I gave you this gift stop ignoring it, and stop telling others to. Stop pretending that you have control when I have the control. Stop thinking you will control it without me, and the people I have given you to help. I am fighting like a crazy woman with my ms. I am telling God not to do this and he is saying no you prayed for me to strip you, and that is what I will do. It is time to give up the control, and you have to trust the ones I send to you to help care for you. He is saying let them see your heart that I gave you without fear. He is saying I gave them to you for that reason so you don't have to do this on your own. He is saying stop feeling guilt for your gift.
Can I do that is the question, and I don't know. Can I relent? Can I let that happen? My husband is asking me to, and my poor parents are asking me to. But can I? I don't know if I have the strength to allow that. Do I doubt so much in other's faith that I won't let them truly see suffering and pain? The answer is with some yes I do and with others no. We are to be one body in Christ, but I don't know if we have the strength to allow that to happen. "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?" James 4:1
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:1-11
I walked out already saying the things I normally say to pump myself up. I will overcome this attack, I will not let those that love me worry, I will not allow my children's life to be disrupted, and most of all I will not let my husband help carry this burden. I won't let him do it because people will think I am being selfish when he is going through too much right now. Can you see the conversation - it is me telling God I can do it without him. I am telling him "I got this covered God so don't worry I will overcome it." I can hear him saying with love and a little chuckle; I have the authority not you.
"And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me." Matthew 28:18
My doctor actually said the words to me "you need to be selfish right now." She kept saying it, and I told her "no, I can't do that, you know that." I told her 'people will think I am selfish, and I know which ones will." She laughed and said "send them to me, because I know who you really are." Knowing her should would pull out the MRI scans, and say how selfish is she? I kept saying please don't make me do this because then I will have to admit that I need help. I don't want people to see that I am weak. I don't want them to see how dependent I am on my husband. Please don't make me do this to him right now. Please don't let my children see that their mom needs help, because they need me. Please don't let those people that have said I am selfish already say "see, I was right about her." Most of all let me pick who sees me when I am ill.
God and I are playing chess with each other. He is taking his pieces, and I am trying to figure out how to get those pieces back to win. I keep praying for him to remove the sins from my heart so I can truly glorify him, and he is patiently taking them. I am screaming "no don't do that yet, because that is my protection so people won't see that I am weak." He is testing my true faith in him to take care of it. The question is will I let him? The next question is can I take it if someone that professes love of Christ will ignore my sufferings? Can I handle that maybe I allowed too much pride to get in the way.
He is saying do you really trust me? He keeps saying you have too much pride and too much strength. He keeps saying I gave you this gift stop ignoring it, and stop telling others to. Stop pretending that you have control when I have the control. Stop thinking you will control it without me, and the people I have given you to help. I am fighting like a crazy woman with my ms. I am telling God not to do this and he is saying no you prayed for me to strip you, and that is what I will do. It is time to give up the control, and you have to trust the ones I send to you to help care for you. He is saying let them see your heart that I gave you without fear. He is saying I gave them to you for that reason so you don't have to do this on your own. He is saying stop feeling guilt for your gift.
Can I do that is the question, and I don't know. Can I relent? Can I let that happen? My husband is asking me to, and my poor parents are asking me to. But can I? I don't know if I have the strength to allow that. Do I doubt so much in other's faith that I won't let them truly see suffering and pain? The answer is with some yes I do and with others no. We are to be one body in Christ, but I don't know if we have the strength to allow that to happen. "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?" James 4:1
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:1-11
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