The New Path with God

“When God withdraws, if we find satisfaction in anything other than God, we are idolaters‘” (Quote from our study on “Dark Night of The Soul)

Bernard of Clairveaux listed the process of progress in our relationship and for most of us I think we are stuck at numbers 1 and 2. I don’t know too many people that have moved past those stages. If we think we have then we are probably too prideful in our journey.

Stage 1 - Love of self for self
Stage 2 - Love of God for self
Stage 3 - Love of God for God
Stage 4 - Love of self for God.

“And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him,” 1 John 2;3-4 This is not just about murder, adultery, stealing, etc this is about pride, selfishness, gluttony, envy, greed, and idolatry - covet.

I have great peace that it will only get worse before it gets better in this country. Strange irony I know. C.S. Lewis made a comment about the church of materialism, and it is our country plus most of our homes; “Satan and his workers are pleased in our materialism and indifference to society.” On Christmas Eve we went to church with my mom. She asked if we had any women pastors and I said no we don’t. Scripture says that women should not be teaching to men. They should not be pastors. They should not be on church boards. They should not have any control in the church and how it functions. Women can teach to other women, but not men (Titus 2). Eve was deceived in the Garden of Eden not Adam. She was the cause of the fall. “For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control. “ 1 Timothy 2:11-15. I don’t believe women should work outside the home unless they have to. My husband believes the same, because my job is to raise our boys. My self-worth is not based on a career it is based on God. This is self-sacrifice.

My mom immediately said well I don’t read it that way, and most women don’t from her generation and beyond. If we are a woman and a Christian too bad we are wrong. Change the thought process. “The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.” 1 Corinthians 14:34-35

I have been studying 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 for over a year now. These verses are how God loves us, and how we are to love God. We are to remove society and the opinions of others on how we are to love so we love selflessly. This means our families, friends, and society. If we choose to love anything else more than him we have failed; even ourselves. We can’t possibly love correctly. The sins in that verse are us. We think because we love him and others that we have right to control another through our perceptions of how a Christian should be. Paul was the definition of what God’s love and grace can do in our hearts. That is why he is in the bible.
I have read the verses so many times, but never really paid much attention to verses 1-5. The Corinthians had put society first and had become judgmental, pious “Christians” above God. They had chosen to be God themselves. Silly, silly people. I am becoming quite curious about Christians and their thought process. We are not allowed to change scripture to fit our own needs. What is wrong is wrong. We have to accept that. I have no idea what bible, devotionals or books they have been reading that they think that he is not going to ask us why we have thought this.

"People are programmed from early education to believe in their person power, their personal worth, their personal rights, their personal beauty, their personal talent, and to reject the reality that they are corrupt, and fallen, and evil, and sinful, and selfish, and prone to disaster. They are radically depraved." John MacArthur

I love the quiet and I love the peace of not having interference. I learned this from my grandma and my dad. They both are private with their families and friends. My grandmother passed away last year. I have been studying her in my memories. I get it now why she was the way she was. No temptation to fall away God. She was not easy, but I get it. She was removing the pressure of others to be something she was not. I know I never heard or saw her change scripture to fit her needs.

I closed my face book account. One of main reasons was because it just got to be interference in my life that just did not need to be there. I have been writing every morning, but haven’t posted on this blog. I have an issue with worrying too much about what friends and family think of me, and I actually don’t have to do that. Scripture backs me up on it. It is very peaceful not to have the influences of friends and family. I love them, but what we do in our life is no one else’s business. God loves us so much that he wants all of us, so nothing can interfere in that. I don’t think it is possible to love selflessly if we don’t love him first. It is just not possible. People do not need to know what we do for others. That is pride and I am ashamed.

My new course for the next year is that people are going to have to earn my love and trust. I have to do the same for others. I have to earn it with my husband and my children. It is not unconditional. I have to work at that, and vice versa. I am no longer going to be so giving that I damage myself in the process. The women that are to close to my heart have earned that and I have earned it with them. There are two women that know my heart truly, and that is who has my trust, love and respect. I realized that. These are the women that are allowed to step in and care for my family when I am sick. They know who to go to when I need help without even asking, because they know I trust those individuals. I have become very guarded with my heart. This will be the new journey with GOD.

Ingnorance is Bliss

“Thirdly, and just briefly, we are oblivious to our sin. We try to camouflage our sin by covering it up, attempting to justify ourselves as victims or we are oblivious to our sin. In other words, we may sin in absolute ignorance. We're so ignorant, we're so unknowing in terms of God's law that we just sin inadvertently. And that's characteristic of us as sinners.” John MacArthur - Keeping a Pure Mind - Sermon

The below list are the 7 deadly sins we commit one way or another. We just don’t know we do it. The ones that are really bad at it are “Christians” that have been in their journey a long time, due to the false gospels taught of feeling good about themselves in every act. They have become the pretense of what society, or their church thinks a Christian should be. The way to realize that it is false is probably the spiritual” books we read; devotionals, how much god loves us, women’s bibles, men bibles, and the books about how much God loves us. How many us go in to a Christian bookstore and actually pick up the books about the true followers and martyrs of Christ. I can bet that each one of them either died for defending him, were persecuted in their faith, and they have had horrific lives.
Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

10 years ago when I started this I had great reluctance to become involved in a church. My husband was raised in the church and that is a lot of pressure for someone that was not. Little did I realize at the time I had a grandmother that was fountain of knowledge regarding scripture. She very rarely said things to you, but when she did she knew what she was talking about. She could discern scripture and was wise in her discernment. When I got married she said remember your husband comes first even above your children. That was hard to hear being raised by a feminist.

Some years ago a friend that is a mentor for so many women suggested a book to me that was suggested to her called “created to be his help meet.” It is a very harsh reality of women and what they can do to damage their marriages without even realizing what they do. My grandmother lived her life exactly this way for my grandfather. God bless the man because I don’t think he could cook anything, but he sure could build a plane. She took care of their home and he took care of her even after his death.

About month I ago I realized that my husband is a lot like my grandfather. Pray for me, because he was tough one. The other side is that my husband cares for me so deeply and protects me that I cherish him even more than I did yesterday. My grandparents knew that about each other and the 2 other women that have influenced me regarding marriage are my aunt (my mom’s sister) and my friend in San Antonio. All 3 are the proverbs 31 woman, and their husband’s love them as they do Christ.

I have a huge confession to make: I really have a hard time with Christian women in churches. Some Christian women are by far the most judgmental women I ever met if they have only read about the love of God and not the wrath of God. I surround myself with women that understand both, and are trying to become more Christ like in their journeys that have chosen the biblical foundation for marriage. They get it.

I don’t believe that we can have a solid marriage without understanding the biblical definition of marriage. I really don’t believe we can see the damage that we do in our marriages without understanding how we love god first. That is why the interpretation of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is so important. We read this verse at our wedding, and I bet most of have. This is how Christians are to love one another because God loves us that way, but the problem is we are the sin in that verse. It we are blind to those sins we cannot love another like Christ loves us. That why is Paul confronted the Corinthians with these words. They had forgotten in their ignorance of sin that they did not love God correctly. Last year my husband and I went to a conference called love and respect regarding biblical marriage. We then facilitated a group after that. All hell broke lose after that. We were given a rebuke by a pastor that we respect and love great deal. He told us we had failed and would get a divorce if it continued and we would justified. We both had failed God in our marriage.

God does not make life easier before it gets better; that is myth. He will take it away bit by bit. He is doing very bold acts now out of his anger for what we have done in this country. Every great empire has fallen that has ignored him. We turned our back on him by not understanding the truth of the gospel, or I should saying ignoring it. It breaks my heart that we have turned so far from him and in our ignorance as Christians we think we haven’t. He loves us enough to strip us everything we have to give him glory, because he comes first above all things. If we think in our pride of being a Christian that he won’t do that because we love another we have failed. We use his love to abuse others with it; that is control of another.
I have been trying to figure out a way to put something without being hurtful, but I don’t think that is even possible. The worst part about it is I realized that I do this in my own life and it is very harsh reality of scripture. Marriages are failing because spouses have chosen the world, families, careers, and money above each other. Women are the worst at this. We choose our children above our husband’s needs. Adult women that are married are even worse. We know the term that men need to cut the cord, but women do it far more than men. Ask your husband or wife about it, and see what they say.

Our parents have no business being in our marriage. They try to control us in their love for us. We want no part of it because it not fair to each other. Twice my parents have overstepped; one was wrong, and the other they were justified to do it. It is not fair to my husband if they do that, and it is damaging to him. They were told to back off both times. I love my parents, but my husband comes first then my boys. My parents and I are very close because of this, and they respect our marriage a great deal. Their divorce trained me for this, and thank God they did it.

Women want control, and they use love to do it. Ladies, we were not made first our husbands were. It was Eve that was deceived not Adam. The moment we decided that each other came first things started to get better. It is has been a hard year getting back to where we were before we got married, before I got sick and before we had children. Be careful using love against each other. My husband uses his love for me with guilt, and looks pitiful when I have done something. I get angry and try to make him feel guilty while saying harsh words. We both have finally figured that we do this to each other. I am very blessed to have had my grandmother, my aunt and my friend that have biblical marriages to be influenced by. They are my star women! I want desperately to be a proverbs 31 woman only.

We are damning ourselves to hell everyday when choose everything else above him, and we don’t even know it. He brutally killed his son and made him suffer physically to save us. Who in the hell do we think we are that he does not deserve complete control over our hearts just because we say we he love him and we have trials. Our trials are nothing compared to what Christ went through to save us from his father’s anger.

http://www.esvbible.org/search/Proverbs%2B31/
http://www.esvbible.org/search/Ephesians%2B5/

Crazy Bible Lady

Spiritual gluttony; Christians that search scripture to make themselves feel better about themselves. Busy Christians; bible study after study, books about Christianity, daily devotionals for every group. We are studying the Dark Night of The Soul, by Saint John of the Cross in our class. Talk about deep, hard core stuff regarding our journey with Christ and what that actually means.

Saturday I got up and scanned the headlines. I read that we have begun our military cuts while US warships are moving towards Syria, N Korea possibly has a weapon that can reach our soil, and Iran has stolen a drone that they plan to copy to attack those that don’t conform to their laws; Islam. I have a question though is the evil of the world in any of our feel good books, or bible studies that we attend, or do we have such hope that God is not going to allow this to happen to the United States?

I went Christmas shopping, spent too much money on more stuff that no one needs, bought stuff for myself that I don’t need and by Sunday morning felt such guilt about it I thought I was going be sick. This year is the last year I buy Christmas presents for people. I’m not doing it anymore. It is a waste of money and most people don’t need it, they need money, gas cards, and grocery store gift cards. They need to survive. The idea that the economy is going to get better is false. The Euro will collapse and we will sink into a deep economic depression that we will not come out of for a very long time. I do not believe that God is out to save us with more money. He is going to strip all away and the self-proclaimed Christians are really not going to understand what happened to them. My prayer is that Americans have enough strength to go through this. We are definitely not the World War II generation, and we are waiting for an immoral, bunch of thieves in Washington to save us.

I guess we could say I have become the crazy, bible lady. I will wear this title like a badge of honor. I have been trying to remove myself from politics more so I wouldn’t get so angry, but we get a little naïve when we do that. I am over the pretense of what society thinks a Christians should be; loving, empathic, silent, and so happy that you could puke. I have written this blog for a very long time now, and I guess we could say I have gotten over the fear of just saying the truth. I am over the loving, soothing tones of making us feel better about ourselves. That is false doctrine, so I would probably stop reading now if you don’t really want to hear the truth.

Gluttony is the sin of feeding ourselves more to feel good. How many of us are food addicts. We eat to make ourselves feel better. I have an addiction that I have had for years. It is destroying my body along with my MS drugs. I feel shame about this addiction, because it is just an excuse and that is all it is. This is how I justify it; I know that the toxics in the drugs will destroy me physically over time, and they are supposed to keep me well over time. One of my drugs causes seizures. I take it everyday, and hope that I won’t have a seizure. I have extreme pain that is increasing. I have actually cut back on my pain med. I’ve cut back because my pain is a reminder to me of why he was killed on the cross. This is what I have learned over the year. I will continue to sacrifice myself for him and he is giving me strength the take care of my family. Great suffering for him carries us through.

We have a mentor couple that has started a plant church in San Antonio. It has not been easy for them emotionally and physically, but they are doing this for Christ. He will give them the strength. One of my best friends and husband are doing the same thing in Katy. It has not been easy, but it is same thing and Christ will pull them through their suffering. This to me defines followers. All this other crap that we have corrupted ourselves with behind Christ doesn’t matter to me, because it is false doctrine. I don’t think we even know was suffering, and I know I don’t, because we really do is stuff to make us feel better about lives and our choices. How many charities and good deeds do you because you think you have to without really wanting to do it? We do it for ourselves so we look good to others. It makes us proud in how good we think we are.

Maybe we think I am being judgmental and too harsh. I hope that we think that, and it I hope it offends us. I have a friend that is going through a terrible time financially. The family has been affected with Autism. She is working from home and her husband is working odd jobs to feed his family. She feels such guilt that they can not give their children the “stuff” that they want this Christmas. She shouldn’t feel that way, because that it is what this country has taught her; they aren’t worthy because cannot buy their children all of these things. We should be ashamed of ourselves for making ourselves and others feel worthy about the stuff they can buy, and not that they are worthy because God gave them life.

Just read about another family in Katy Texas that is about to lose everything. Both have been ill, and they have to raise their grandchildren because their children can’t do it. They will lose their home to auction in January and their business this week unless a miracle happens that they have $5000 by Wednesday to pay their back rent. How many of us are reading this saying they should get government benefits to help themselves. How many of us will say I am trying to make us feel guilty, and guess what I hope we do feel guilt. Loving our neighbor means going to give another something we have without any regard to what we are giving up. How is this honoring thy mother and father as an adult when we doing this to our parents. Why because we think we are entitled too it, just because we are their child?

The government doesn’t have any money, because they didn’t have enough guts to cut off those that could work. We have been made to feel guilty for not wanting to help people. I don’t believe liberals, democrats, republicans, and conservatives are even Christians really. They may say they are, but guess what God never said we deserved anything without working for it; including food, clothing, and shelter. We need to get over ourselves because we aren’t even entitled to those things without working for it.

I don’t understand what is happening in this country and it makes me very sad and disgusted. I love this country, and what is it was founded on. We have destroyed what was given to us by individuals that had enough courage and strength to fight. We have taken it to disgusting levels of selfishness, greed and envy. I have been sitting in my house disgusted with myself for renovating our house to make it look pretty, buying clothes that I don’t need, or buying stuff to make it look pretty. I am so happy that moving feel through, and the woman that was going to buy our house won’t have a mortgage to support in her retirement years. We got a little too greedy in thinking we needed more space. We can build on to our house for my mom. It doesn’t matter to me if we don’t make the money back, and if I hear one time one more person say that I am going to scream. It is an honor for me to be able to care for my mother as she did for me and my brother. It is not about money it is about making sure that she is safe and cared for when she needs it the most.

I am an addict to face book. I have been praying that I would be on there less. All it is a social network to make us feel better about our lives. I have started to use it more for the purpose of sharing articles, and this blog. Terrible, disgusting notes have been written about me on there about my love of God and country. I am glad that they did it, because it shows how selfish they really are and they know nothing about my heart or my family. I have been de-de-friended because of it, and I think that it is great. I say bring it on. It is just one less person that I have to kiss up to that I have offended. These individuals that have made comments really aren’t the Christians they say are, because they don’t seem to get that the stuff they are saying about God is false. He is not here to make us feel good about ourselves, he came to break us in all our sin to make us his.

The below verse is the United States. He destroys nations that turn their back on him. This is what is happening to us and egos think it won’t. We know from scripture that we will not know the day he returns. I don’t know when he will, but I do know that every great empire has fallen before they died to him. It pains my heart what we are doing. I cry all the time now for this country and for Christians that are so naïve in their journeys. He wasn’t just born for us, but was killed for us. Somehow we think we are entitled to live the lives we live.

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,” 2 Timothy 3:1-4

1 YEAR BABY OF NOT HAVING AN ATTACK!

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” James 4:1

Today will be a good day. It is a glorious day for me. 1 ago year today I was getting hooked up to an IV. 1 year ago today God broke me, and made me see. Today is about celebrating every blessing, trial, temptation, and joy that gave me back to him. Everything that I have been given by giving up more and more control to him! So many prayers have been answered. Praise HIM.

Last night was the first time I have been in a nursing home since my grandmother passed, because my beautiful 6 year old son wanted to go. My sweet sons want help to others, and we helped them learn that. Thank you God. Friday would have been her birthday. I miss her so terribly. I want to tell her that her life meant something, because she put him first and suffered in her love for HIM above all others inlcuding her husband, her children, and her family. I feel such shame that because of me seeing her in pain that I did not see her more. I miss my uncle, and I wish that I had just gotten in my car and drove to Ohio to have 10 more minutes with him even though he didn’t know me anymore. I got up tonight and did a little dance, smiled big in the mirror and cried with joy that it has been a year. Thank you God.

I am grateful for a husband that stands by me in good times and bad, sickness and health. I am grateful for two beautiful children that I did not know if I could have. I am grateful for God pulling me back over and over again this year to give him more control. I am grateful for every trial that I have endured. I am grateful for every test of my faith in him. I am grateful that he wakes me up in the middle of the night to teach me so I will know what is in my heart. I am grateful that he wants me to be me no matter what others think. I have peace that people can call me too passionate, too harsh and a crazy bible lady all because I am learning the truth of scripture. 10 years of this glorious journey and it is the first time I have not had an attack. Shame on those that have ever tried to stop that, these writings, and attack me for that.
I went to pick up one of my meds last night and the co-pay had gone up another $15. I am grateful and blessed that I have the money to pay it. I am grateful to have the money to pay my bills without fear that there won’t be enough the next day. I am grateful for a warm home. I am grateful for the food that I eat. I am grateful for the very clothes that cloth my body. I am grateful that men and women fight every day to find a cure through research. I am grateful to friends that ride 180 miles on a bike in April wearing my name to fight this disease because they love me and know that I am going to be at that finish line waiting for them.

Never again will I take my attacks for granted in what he was trying to tell me and show me. Never again am I willing to see the pain and terror in my husband’s eyes thinking that this time she could be in a wheel chair. I praise God that he finally saw what was happening. Never again will I not be able to care for my boys because of interference. That was the last time I would not be able to pick them up when they cried.

Never again do I want to see my mother cry in pain and anger of watching her daughter cripple up before her in anguish because of others, and she could do nothing about it. Never again do I want to watch my father be so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to walk when he should have been mourning his mother and healing from heart surgery a week before. Never again do I want to hear my brother begging me on the phone to protect myself and my heart, so I wouldn’t get sick again. I am grateful that my parents put aside their differences because of their love for me, and are still doing it. I am so grateful for my father, my mother, my stepmother, and my siblings because we love each so much that will fight those that harm us. Never again will I allow myself to be destroyed because of control.

Most of all I praise God that he my healed my marriage from so much bitterness and anger. That he gave me the man I married back and he gave me back to my husband. This illness is my reminder that every day God is in me. That everyday when I allow interference from the world I will fail him. That it takes me from my husband and my children. That I can’t care for them the way he has commanded me to. Most of all I should not feel such guilt for such a blessing as MS. I can get angry and frustrated with him, but it is his gift to keep my path straight. That when I hate I should be really be loving my disease. It is my gift to remind me that he comes first no matter what. I wasn’t feeling so good a couple of weeks ago, and I yelled “oh no you don’t, I’ll get rid of it.”

When I watched the fires burning in this state, and the shear pain and fear of individuals that had nothing any longer a great miracle happened. I made a choice to love my neighbor and truly help them. I watched people that I have known for years from high school bring clothing, water, food or just a little money to help. I met people from all over this city bring car loads and a bus load that I did not know me to fill up my driveway all because they wanted to help.

I watched men and women give up time from their lives to sort items in my home, my yard and my driveway to pack up the trucks late into the night to take these offerings the next morning. I watched my parents work together all because of their love for me. That is what I am most grateful for from that event. I am grateful that during that week two women showed their hearts of how selfish and shallow they are, that just want a good time only, and he gave me peace about them being gone. I am grateful to the women that I know cherish me no matter what. They are beautiful women, and I will not take them for granted ever again.

I am grateful for a new church where we walk in and we can be the people we are; sinners. That we can feel the spirit of Christ working through our pastor, our teacher and the congregation. That there is no shame or fear about following him. That we weep for him to have more control. I am grateful that I am not in a church that turned their back on a woman that was in need because she wasn’t a member. I am grateful that I am not in a church that turned their backs on a member of 20 years because of the power of another. They should be ashamed of that. That is not God that is the pretense of what we think a Christian should be, because she made a mistake.

Today is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Look at what we have become; our nations’ prosperity is a lie. So many people died and fought evil and prevailed, and we have destroyed that. We are a shallow, selfish nation that values money more than God. Stuff more than God. Tyranny of another over God. I am so grateful that he is stripping the pretense of our prosperity and reminding us of why we are meant to be on this earth; to be his and his alone. If we have life that is a gift. We are gifts. You are a gift. Please let go of your pride and seek him. We cannot sustain this way of life. It is destroying all of us. All because of the God of money.

Don’t be just watchers. Don’t be afraid to fight. Don’t be naïve in this world to the evil that is overcoming us. Most of all don’t be afraid to say no to another for him. Don’t be afraid to show how much his words through scripture mean. It is not worth it to loose him over something, or someone out of fear and guilt because society has told us to do it. Please know that I pray for your hearts to be whole, and have peace through him. Our pain is a reminder that we must live for him and him alone. I am blessed that I have pain everyday. It took a big act for him to make me his, and I praise him for it.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

Religious Hypocrites

“First of all, let’s see the initial mark of religious hypocrites. They make awkward alliances against the truth...they make awkward alliances against the truth. Satan can orchestrate all the forms of his error against the truth. So you may look around the world and look through history and see all kinds of deceived people in all different kinds of religion coming together against the truth. The truth cannot make alliances with error, but error can make alliances against the truth, and you see that here.” John MacArthur

I read an interesting article that Americans dread the holiday season. They dread having to be nice to their family and others during Christmas. They know they are going to go into debt over it. This year is the first year I have not dreaded it. When my parents divorced we went back and forth. My brother and I hated it and it was exhausting physically, and emotionally. My husband and I don’t travel on Christmas anymore because of this. Neither one of us has any problem saying no. Plus traveling just kills me physically. Also, my oldest is in school now, and doesn’t have much time off. We will travel after Christmas, because my husband’s two surviving grandparents have not been well and we need to see them.
Did we ever think that we could say no? I know what you’re thinking; that would hurt our families and our friends. Are we more worried about that over our relationship with Christ? We have forgotten why he was born, and then murdered on a cross; for us. Read Matthew 10:34-36, and we will get a hard dose of reality about why he came.
I like to observe people. I want to see if I can learn things from them by their actions towards another, or how they say something to another. I love to observe the ones that have been in their walk for awhile. One of the main reasons we left our old church was they were turning a blind eye towards situations. They ignore things that are happening out of the fear of telling individuals that have power in the church no. We were becoming pretenders and not true followers. Paul warned us about this in every letter he wrote that is in the bible. If we know individuals that are doing this in our churches they need to be corrected. They are wrong. They are hypocrites and going against God, and his church. The Sermon on the Mount is our example of what a church should be. It was on a rock and it didn’t matter what we gave in money. It was that we listened, became his, and then we became selfless. It doesn’t matter how much we give to the church he will hold our hearts accountable to being a fake follower, or telling others how much they are supposed to give.

Saturday I was out and a woman told her daughter that she was pretty, but needed to put on make-up. I looked at the woman, and around her neck was a cross. I then looked at her daughter and could see the damage done to her heart in her beautiful face. I looked the woman in the eye, and it took every ounce of control not to say something to this woman. I regret not saying something now, but the damage she caused will be proven later when her daughter resents her for it. She said it in a very loving tone. She is damaging her daughter in the pretense of what she thinks a Christian should look like. I don’t care what we like, I care about what is in the individuals heart. That shows to me how petty and pathetic this woman was. She’s selfish, not selfless.

My oldest was on the playground at school, and he had on one his favorite shirts. A little boy was calling him a baby, because he was wearing it. His teacher called me about the incident, and I asked if he was upset. She said actually no I wanted to tell you what he said to the other boy. He told him that in his house we don’t make fun of people that way. The other boy and he played the rest of the time at recess. His heart is more important in this house not his appearance to others. If he does something he has to admit what he did and apologize there are no excuses for that in this house. My boys have long, beautiful hair. I get looks all the time about their hair, or what they are wearing. Who cares, and I dare someone to say something to me about it. I have started to ignore that more now only because it shows their hearts to me. I feel sadness for them, not judgment because they just don’t get it. They have beautiful hearts. My husband and I have helped in that, because they are God’s children.

My husband always looks perfect. He had a beard some time ago that I loved, and I really wish he still had it. He shaved it off because he didn’t look the part of “a professional man.” It made me sad for him that he worried so much about his appearance instead saying; I am a really good man, I work hard and I have a very blessed life. He worries too much about how he looks to others. He doesn’t do that as much anymore. Actually, that was one of our biggest arguments that we had was because he had so much fear in telling people no. He stopped doing that finally and protects his family’s heart. He has no problem telling me what I need to fix. I want him to do that, because then I won’t know how I hurt him, and he is beginning to accept this from me.

I started coloring my hair because the grey hair bothers me. I don’t think I am going to do that anymore. First all of it is a waste money, and it takes money away from our family. I haven’t quite given up the pedicures yet, but I may even do that. I rarely wear make up. I realized telling I was telling myself “I want to feel pretty today, I will put makeup up.” My hair is craziness there is no other way to put it. It drives me nuts. I get compliments all the time on it. I look at people like they are crazy. Thank you for telling me now, because I do have beautiful hair. My oldest has the same hair, and it looks just like it did when I was little. When he stops liking it that way then he can do whatever he wants with it. I am starting to like my heart more now so when I look in mirror I see a very, beautiful woman. I am starting to see what my husband sees and why he married me. I am starting to see what God sees, and why he has been so angry with me all these years. I’m starting get it.

Do we really believe that Jesus walked around in perfect clothes, saying things in perfect pitch to his followers? It angered him that the people of Israel had become the worst kind of sinners; hypocrites. I would love to be in his presence and Paul’s just to hear and witness their incredible pain and frustration of the world around them. I would love to feel their presence of great joy in their trials, and be shown how beautiful God truly is. I am grateful for what they gave up through the persecution of hypocrites.

We are not a Christian nation, so please stop saying that. We have been teaching false doctrine for years, and now none us can cope with what is wrong in our nation. He is taking all of it away, day by day, minute by minute. I celebrate now what is happening in this country because it is forcing most Americans to realize that what they have is what he promised; food, clothing and shelter. God did not promise us money. He said we must work and he will make sure we have those 3 things. If we don’t have a job, but still have food on the table we should be grateful for that.
I am moving into a different place now in my journey. I pray that God removes people from my life that don’t need to be there. It shows me their hearts and what they are willing to do for God. I praise him for the people he is putting my life now, and the friends that have been here the entire journey to call me out on my crap. GOD BLESS THEM. I don’t fear this anymore, because it does not matter to me what others think. If it goes against God and my family’s relationship with him it will be shown for what it is. What a gracious gift we will be given.
“And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” (Mark 8:34-38 ESV)

2nd Week of Advent; Love

I started watching “The Passion of the Christ” yesterday afternoon, and I had to stop right at the point when he had been handed over to the Romans. I haven’t watched it since it came out in theatres. I thought it was time again, but to be honest I don’t know if I can make it through. I want to remind myself of what he did for me and the world. I don’t want to take that for granted anymore.

The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. As it is written in Isaiah the prophet, “Behold, I send my messenger before your face, who will prepare your way, the voice of one crying in the wilderness: ‘Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight,’” (Mark 1:1-3 ESV)

Tomorrow morning in church I have been asked along with another woman to read scripture in front of the congregation. This is the 2nd week of advent, and it is about love; God’s love. This is a huge deal to me because I never thought I was good enough to do this with Christians. I asked one of our pastors why and, he gave me an incredible compliment that encouraged me to learn even more about God; he said you are an example of God’s love. I have to remember though I am still learning what it means to be his and his alone. I have to accept his love, but I also have to accept his anger and wrath.

He was given to us out of love, and he wanted us to be forgiven. The sad part is in our current society that is where it stops there. We have been taught how to pretend to be a follower and not a true follower. I don’t believe that we can understand the love of God without understanding the wrath of God. If it was meant to just be about the love we would not have the scripture regarding his anger with us. The below verse is why he was born.

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:34-39 ESV)

I have read this verse before, but never really paid attention to it. It goes against everything we have been taught in the church and society. We have been told that God brings us peace, but we haven’t been taught what He is going to do in our lives to bring peace. The hard core truth of this is to truly be your family must not come above him. If we don’t love him the way the scripture reads above we have failed him in how we love others. I don’t believe that we can truly love another without understanding the sacrifice of his son.

God gave us his son. He had him beaten. He had him mocked and belittled. They forced him to carry the very cross that he was going to be hung from through Jerusalem. He had them nail his hands and feet to a cross screaming in pain. He yelled “forgive them father for they know not what they do.” We still don’t know yet do we? How sad it is to really watch our nation and the world. He did not come here to make us feel good about ourselves. He came here to break us so we could be forgiven by God. Christ came to protect us from his father’s wrath.

John MacArthur’s books and website has become a study guide for me now. He is incredible when it comes to understanding what Christ was trying to teach us in the New Testament. “In contemporary Christianity the language is anything but slave terminology. It is about success, health, wealth, prosperity, and the pursuit of happiness. We often hear that God loves his people unconditionally and them to be all they want to be. He wants to fulfill every desire, hope, and dream. Personal ambition, personal fulfillment, personal gratification.” The book Slave

He goes on to describe current “Christians” in society. They seek him as their personal assistant to seek self gratification in their choices; a personal assistant. The New Testament is the opposite of that. He owns us which means the above scripture is very important in how we are to be in our relationships. We are his possessions and we are to submit to him above all others. I often have heard the term “it is how we say it”, or I should say the tone of how we say it. That is a pretense in our minds of what a Christian should be. I am not saying that we should lose our temper and yell, but I am saying that we must be firm in telling another the truth. This has been hard to understand for me, because I have been taught in my journey the pretense of being Christian. We will lose people in our lives and we have to accept that. Also, we will have to remove people for him.

If it is backed by scripture and we are upholding him in our actions or words, we will be valued more by him. This may mean that you will lose job, your money, your family, your friends…everything. The disciples did and that is why he used them as an example to us in scripture. God killed his son, but remember Mary had to do the same. Do not for a moment pretend that we are so worthy that he will not strip of us everything to bring us to our knees and beg for forgiveness. I hope that I lose people in my life when they read this. It shows me that they should not be there and I have more to work on with him. Just another distraction from him. It has already started. The people that are to willing to stand by you are the ones you want in your life no matter what. They are ones that do not fear God in telling us the truth.

“And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” (Mark 8:34-38 ESV)

Walking Down the Aisle

The moment the doctor told me on the phone that I had MS my life changed and not in a good way. I have been thinking about this disease a lot, and the stresses in life that make me sick because I haven‘t been sick for a year. When I walked down the aisle and saw my husband I couldn’t bear the fact that he was going to have to deal with the fear and pain of me getting sicker over time. I thought how one man can love a woman that much or I should say “me.” I have done a lot of damage to myself because of this, more than I realized. I just realized this and confessed that to my husband on Monday. 10 years of marriage and I am just now realizing how bad it was. The good part about this is he protects me from the very stresses that make me sick. He is not afraid to tell me any longer out of fear that he will hurt me. He loves me too much not do that. He needs me above all others no matter what, so no one else or anything else with interfere with that. I will give him that no matter whom it hurts, and he does the same thing for me. That is marriage.

I hate illness. I hate that I have ignored my guilt and anger of this disease for 10 years. I hate going into to see my doctor and she is reminding me that I have to give myself a shot everyday, or medicine so I have enough energy to take care of my husband and children. I hate that I can't feel my face, or my feet. I hate having pain everyday, all day long. I hate that there are days where I am so tired that I can barely lift my arms to make food for my children. I hate that it is destroying my brain literally. He gave me a break this year when I begged him to stop. He gave me a year of breaking me over and over again. I hate pride and control.

We should have very few people in my opinion that we share our secrets with, trials with and temptations. Not everyone should do this. I realize that more and more. I have been thinking about this blog. People have told me and my husband that I shouldn’t write it. God bless my husband for defending me every time. The bigger picture of this blog is it offends me because it is what is inside me. It is what is inside all of us. That is why I write it. That is why one morning he said write and I listened. I have been purging myself for over a year now and sharing that with others. I have abused myself and my heart. I have slammed people for forgetting what he is trying to tell us. I have offended, I have judged, I have lashed out, I have cried, I have begged, I have been brought to my knees, because of my sins.

Last year someone quoted 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to me. I was so pissed and angry about that and I just now understand why. It was used to try and make me feel guilty about a situation that I was very angry about and I was justified in that anger. It wasn't intentional though at all. The problem was I failed miserably in the situation. My issue and my fault. He has plagued me with this for a year.

Now it is a blessing because it forced me to turn inward on myself, and save my marriage. It forced my husband to do the same. It has not been easy to do this with each other. I stepped back and stopped the pretense of being a Christian, and what society thinks a Christian should be. Christians should be messy. They should be willing to show humility in all of their actions. They should be willing to admit and confess their failures. They should be willing to see how their acts affect others; good and bad. There is such a thing as justified anger. I have a terrible temper and I am very harsh with it. I have had to take a hard look at it this year. My anger blinded what the truth was and why it upset me so much.

My question is to Christians that say they are, are you really? I had a pretense of what it meant to be one. I don’t think I have really been his until this last year. I have been learning about him, but not doing what he wanted me to do. I went to church, did acts of giving, talked about God, but never gave him control. My motive wasn’t always about what God was leading me to do it was about what people thought I should do. Christians like to say you should have quiet time with God. We should, but do our acts actually reflect what he tells us in scripture to do. Do we realize what the true motive is behind the act? We can say well I give love, but what is the motive behind the love? The idea that God is not going to tell you the truth about your actions and misinterpretation of his words is dangerous in my opinion. We are lying to ourselves. I have been lying to myself for years.

I have become more compassionate, but less tolerate of the abuse of God and scripture. Bastrop fire donations was the defining moment for me regarding my faith him. I was attacked so brutally through scripture while we were taking donations to people that had lost everything. I was accused of all sorts of things that I did towards these individuals. They didn’t like that I talked about God and politics. Really? That is not my issue if we like to live in some sort of dream world about ourselves. It just shows what is really in their heart. I didn’t say anything, and just walked away. Not my problem and it is not my issue it is their issue. I never would have done that a year ago. So what if scripture offends us, it should offend us. There is not one person on this earth that is perfect. See that is the thing about people that say they love god, because they will persecute in his name when they don’t even know what they are talking about.

Now, I need to start loving myself and praise him for the gifts he has given me in my heart more. I am so stubborn in my control and pride that he apparently has to do major acts and trials to get me to see. I am getting a little tired of it. I need to focus on the good and realize he has a plan that I just don't know about yet. I need to accept the bad and take care of it through him. I need to listen more, think more, discern more and ask more questions. I have decided to stop saying what do I need to do for others. I am going to say instead, ok what else do I need to give up and do so my heart becomes selfless. It actually scares me, because I don’t know if I have the strength for it. He will hold me up, because he hasn’t failed me. That’s what I get for praying that he should break me. It is ok, because I love him more. He is always with me now and I can’t ignore him any longer.

God is trying to tell us in this country that we have failed him. We may not think we have because we have good lives and we have done what we are supposed to do. I hate tell you this every great nation thought the same thing that he crushed with his wrath. He is very angry. It is amazing to me that he is still giving us chances. Start praying for our souls and others. Start praying that Israel accepts Christ. Start praying that our president does not turn his back on them, because the whole world is turning against them. He is a very destructive man in what is doing to this country. It is already happening right before our eyes. God does not care what political party we are in. I don’t believe so many that label themselves, as republican, conservative, liberal or democrat are true Christians. If they were they would have stood up loud and clear with the truth no matter whom they lost in the process. Our fear of telling the truth is going to destroy us. I love our country, but I love God and my family more.

If it takes you away from your spouse, or your children it doesn't need to be there.

"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." 1 Corithians 10:12

Apathy

I have been studying the love of God recently. I just a read sermon by John MacArthur regarding our apathy towards God in relationship with him, relationships, and society. Apathy is the tolerance and indifference to the act of a situation or circumstance in good and bad. In reality we are to think of our love towards him as a complete sacrifice of ourselves to him no matter how it affects our relationships, or the world. If we can’t do that then we really can’t love another the way he wants us to.

"Love" has been redefined as a broad tolerance that overlooks sin and embraces good and evil alike. That's not love; it's apathy. God's love is not at all like that. Remember, the supreme manifestation of God's love is the cross, where Christ "loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (v. 2). Thus Scripture explains the love of God in terms of sacrifice, atonement for sin, and propitiation: "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10). In other words Christ made Himself a sacrifice to turn away the wrath of an offended deity. Far from dismissing our sins with a benign tolerance, God gave His Son as an offering for sin, to satisfy His own wrath and justice in the salvation of sinners.” John MacArthur, The Love You Don’t Need - www.gty.org

We are starting advent now. We are waiting for something great to happen. Christ will be born. We are supposed slow down during this time, but none of us really will because society has made Christmas just another holiday where we have so many other things to take care of. We think these things matter, but they don‘t. I just had the best thanksgiving ever since I was a kid. We went to my dad’s, and we pretty much just spent the day together doing nothing. My boys ate when they were ready to, and we didn’t force them to sit at the table. They were having too much fun playing at paw paw’s house. It was great. Over the weekend I let them decorate the tree this year and it is not how I would do it, but it looks beautiful. Ornaments were broken, but they are just ornaments; just objects. The memory of this tree will be in my heart forever. I chose not to control this and let them do it. I chose not to get upset or angry about the ornaments. A year ago that would not have happened.

During my last attack last December I had a friend tell me that. She flat out said “you don’t have to do that.” “He is telling you to stop doing that out of love, and what my idea of what love was.” That is the reason I haven’t been sick. I started to discern the motive behind the acts of giving and loving. I am still learning it, and it is awesome! I am trying to discern and see what my acts are now. I am trying to tame my tongue. The reason why is because they can not be taken a way once they are done.

I have an issue with time and control. I want to control certain things that don’t matter in the long run. I don’t use time wisely. I rush around all the time. My husband doesn’t do that, and I think he should. Neither one of us has balance regarding time. I try to do everything in one day and I am at home all week. I am so tired by the end the day I can barely move. It drives my husband crazy.

When I asked God to break me he did, and now he is trying to bring me back with every action and every emotion. I love him for it. I can’t praise him enough for it. It appears that I am going to cry now in almost every sermon that our pastor gives. Every time I go now I break down about what else I need to do for God. There is so much hurt going on this country and with so many people we know. It just breaks my heart. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. God let men brutally kill his son, and we show apathy towards that; we take it for granted and most of us don‘t even know we do it.
We are so tolerate of evil that we don’t know what evil is. We have allowed the government to take care of our families. We have allowed them to feed our neighbors when we could do it for them ourselves if we need to. We have allowed mass genocide of babies, because of circumstance or that a woman didn’t want to have to care for that child. We have allowed them to take more from our military; the very men and women that protect us. They have lost so much for us, and we treat them horribly when we take what they need to care for their families, and defend this nation. We have individuals showing greed with taking up more resources of cities that can’t afford it. We never look at the consequence of what we are doing.
I don’t understand and I wish someone would explain it to me. I really do. We fight more about money, and how the money is to be spent other than saying the things we need to say out of fear and judgment. The funny thing is about judgment of another is when we say we aren’t doing it we are doing it. We are so afraid of saying to another that they are wrong, and that is not right what they are doing because we don‘t want them. Most of the things we say we aren’t doing to another we are doing.

See, I don’t like someone controlling my life, but I don’t want to face the fact that God has control over my life. I want to make the choices, not him. This doesn’t mean that we have the right to go out and break laws, disobey an employer or that my kids are not accountable to their teachers this just means that we have to accept the authority of those things. We are their parents, so we have a job to train them not do those things to the authorities and God. They have to understand that, because life is hard and there are consequences to doing the wrong thing or saying it.

We talked about the discipline of guidance yesterday. There are some people that you can’t do this with. We can have the spirit in us, but we can’t go around doing this to people. I have 4 individuals in my life that I go to that I am not scared to say anything to, or they aren’t either. One of them is my husband, and this was hard with him to do with me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He can’t do that anymore, because we have to talk to each other. The other three are the only others I trust with my heart, and they are not my parents. I only go to them for certain things, and they tell me the truth.

I used to give my heart to all individuals, and I don’t do that anymore. I am very cautious about it. I have hurt people and they have hurt me because of it. They just weren’t the ones that he wanted for me to do that with, and vice versus so I stopped.
We are a naïve’ nation to think he isn‘t showing us his wrath now. So many Christians are naïve’ in thinking that he is not angry with them. Think about our trials or problems we have that are happening right now to us. What is in us that we aren’t getting. He is giving us choice to either defeat the issue through him, or ignore it. When we look at another and we show judgment about it what are we really saying when we do that. That is the verse “look at the log in your own eye before you look at the speck in your brothers.” The story of the adulterous woman is us; we just do it too him and others. No one can cast a stone.

I remember now that I am worthy for him to love, and that he does love me. I am trying to discern what anxiety I feel when a trial comes up or problem. I want to know what is in me that I am missing that he is trying to show me. Yesterday my husband and I were sitting at lunch, and I looked him and said I had forgotten for almost 9 years that I wasn’t worthy enough for him. That’s why I got sick last year. That’s why he broke me. I am worthy for him, and I knew that before we got married. The guilt and shame of having this disease, and the burden he has had to carry was too much for me. I never wanted that for him. The reality is that he knew that if I got too sick he couldn’t make it better, and his wife would physically and emotionally be gone to him. My husband told me to stop thinking that, because when he married me he knew I was the other half his heart, and I was worthy.

I allowed that to happen to myself. I thought those things about myself. I forgot that he married me knowing that I was sick. That he chose to do that after finding out a month before our wedding. Right at that moment I forgot who I was. I was willing to never let my husband have that burden, and it broke my heart. My parents and my brother told me that they didn’t understand why I had forgotten that I was good enough for him, and that I was worthy. They just couldn’t grasp, or accept in their minds what I was doing. They knew this was not the woman they love. Thank God they did that. Those individuals that I pour my heart out to said the very same thing.

We’ve had a beautiful year of healing. The trials aren’t as overwhelming anymore. I accept it when God wakes me up in the middle of the night to come to him and write. I accept that he wants something else from me to give up. Christians remember your apathy towards him, because I fear that so many of us think that he is not an angry or wrathful God. Remember what he gave us to save us. Remember the birth of his son, and the brutal murder of his son for us. He will have to break us first to bring us back.

Thanksgiving - How stressed are you?

Another thanksgiving is upon us today. This meal is the meal of the year for some. Today is the day where Americans are remembering to be thankful for their blessings. I hope for most us that we remember that being alive is a blessing, because then we have one more day to give up our lives to Christ. We have one more day to figure out what we need to change in our hearts. That is what I am most thankful for everyday.

Remember today is just another day, and tomorrow all the same blessings and problems will still be there. This meal is one of my favorites of the year. The holiday is not my favorite any longer. I am missing my grandmother and uncle a lot right now with a heavy heart. I am thankful that when I see my dad today it will be another year with him. He had emergency heart surgery last year the Monday after thanksgiving. I have been thinking a lot about this time last year. All within a 5 week span I lost two of the most important individuals in my life, and I could have lost a third all during the thanksgiving. I was a mess.
I will share with you a legendary Stroud family (my mom’s family) story about one thanksgiving, and of course it involves my uncle. My family is very strong willed, and we can say anything to each other, but we do not take kindly to others outside of the family hurting one of us. My dad and my uncle did not get a long. They really didn’t like each other much after the divorce. The wedding was a little stressful because of that. We had no idea what my uncle was going to say to him. My mother basically told my uncle that she would beat the crap out of him if he ruined my wedding. He loved me enough not to say anything.
During a thanksgiving meal that my grandmother, my mother’s mother had prepared for us a food fight broke out by my dad towards my uncle. There had been some drinking going on and my uncle was on role as usual. He asked my dad to pass the stuffing balls. My grandmother made stuffing in pre-made scoops, and they just happened to be by my father when my uncle asked for them. My dad had, had it by that point so he proceeded to fling the stuffing ball across the table and it hit my uncle in the face. I still can hear the laughter of my family in my mind after that happened of those that are still with us and those that aren’t. My dad will bring up that story today, because it makes him so happy to talk about. Some of my mom’s family will talk about that story. We never hide about how we feel about each.

God forbid we ever play trivial pursuit together. I warned my husband about this when were about ready to play with him for the first time. I told him don’t answer the question unless are you sure that you know the answer. They will never forget the one time that you gave the wrong one, and your team lost the game. God I miss those times. We had a lot of fun. My husband’s family loves to play games, but I am too competitive. They are really nice when they play games together, so I never play because of that.

There is a lot that I am thankful for this year; not having an attack, my parents coming together in kindness again after 27 years, and giving more control to God. I have been juggling my parents divorce for years. Those are their issues, but I have to be respectful of them in that. When I was so sick last year they bonded again over a dinner that I was giving a speech at for MS. The next time I saw them together being kind was at the Bastrop fire donations. Both times I heard words from my parents that I knew I had earned from them. They do not give praise lightly, and I don’t take that for granted when they do. They did a lot damage to each other and it took them a long time to get over that. I get that much more now than I did.

The fires this year were devastating, and that is when I really started to pay attention to the actions of what God wanted me to do. I was so overwhelmed in witnessing the beauty of the citizens in this state that week. The individuals that lost everything in that fire and were given gifts they were overwhelmed with through your generosity in tears of joy and praise to God for that. Remember the act that you did for your neighbor that week, because God knew you could. You showed him the very act of selfless love.

I am thankful for our new church. Our pastor reminds of John MacArthur in his tell it like it is manner. I can attest that I have not one sermon that has been watered down regarding scripture. We need that, because it holds us accountable and deflates our egos and pride in ourselves. I like that, because it keeps me in check about what I am capable of doing. What we are all capable of doing, but we still know that we are so worthy to be loved God and he believes that. God is holding me back right now about giving my time in a new church. I did that because I thought that what was expected of me. The appearance was more important.

I go into church each Sunday now, and I have stopped worrying about the pretense of what other Christians think I should be doing. My husband and I have stopped saying to each other about what we need to do in our relationship with God and the church. No more you need to go to bible study. No more you need to volunteer for this or that. No more pretending that we really want to be there. Then it becomes a lie. Don’t to do that that to your spouse. You are trying to control them. Our relationship is our own not your spouse’s. God gave us his son to in death for that reason. Don’t pretend just because someone doesn’t think you are being a Christian.
I have found over the last year that God wants action most of all. We can say words of affirmation or feel remorse for someone or something, but are they are hollow? I have found that we have the ability to lose site of who we are as Christians because of what other Christians think we should be. That just means they love the world, and the appearance of being a Christian more. I am thankful for this actually because huge trials have been before me this year, because to give him more. I taking that for granted ever again. Trials usually become blessing over time. There is always a bigger picture to what he is doing in our lives no matter how much pain there could be.

Today when we are stressing out about being in the room with our families remember they may be having a hard time too. Be thankful that we have a table and meal to share, because so many in this country don’t have that today. They are so many worried about paying for this meal when they can barely pay their bills or don’t have a job. Remember that we have to accept and love individuals with all their flaws, because God knows they are worthy. Don’t worry so much about what others don’t want to see in themselves. That is being judgmental. We are accountable to God first, and then the other things will fall into place if we just listen to him. Be most thankful for the fact that he does think you are worthy and he loves you tremendously.

The best part about today for me is that I get to have lunch with my family, but after a couple of hours with them I get to come home with my boys and my husband. It will be just the 4 of us the rest of today.

“For God so loved the world, (this is us) that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Saturday I was checking out at the grocery store and when she rang up all the wine and the beer she proceeded to ask if I was getting ready for thanksgiving with my family. I said no this is actually for the family birthday party. I love my family, but it is a lot of work for all of us to be in the same room together. The amazing part is I get to witness my parents talk to each other now without looking like they are going to kill each other. They even laugh together. It is the craziest thing, and I thought that would never happen. They stopped doing last year after I got so sick. They just couldn’t handle my pain and not being a team for me. They hadn’t even done anything to cause that pain.

If you have never read the book the five love languages by Gary Chapman you should. It is an awesome book of how we love, or the damage we can do through our love of another. God is love, so he is all of the love languages. We are not love. We are sinners. God is trying to train us in how we love each other. How we love is not how the other person does, and we forget that. The book is meant for marriage, but I think we can use it for all relationships. I have started watching our children to see what they respond to the best, because God has given them to us to train them. They both love differently and they need love from us differently.
My husband and I love differently. We both need words of affirmation and quality time, but he needs it more than I do. I am not good with either one of them. The way I love is by action. If I ask him to do something and he gets it done right away that shows me that he loves me. When he doesn’t do that it has the reverse affect. It’s not that he doesn’t love me it’s just he doesn’t always realize that is how I see it and what I need from him. If an act is committed that upsets me I see it as an act against my heart. I get angry because it wounds my heart. This is something we both have to work on all the time, because life gets in the way.

When we got married he had a hard time realizing that I needed to by myself a lot. My family is that way. We do not have to spend hours together. Our family dinners don’t last long. We eat and are maybe together a couple of hours more. Each one of us would rather be reading a book, watching a movie, or taking a nap. We don’t see anything wrong with it because we understand that is all we need from each other. My husband is amazed by it, because his family is not that way at all. His family can spend every minute together and are very good about giving words of affirmation. Guess what there is nothing wrong with either way, because God loves us the same but we love each other differently. That is why it is so important to understand how another loves. I am not saying this gets us out of stuff, but it pushes us to change what is uncomfortable for us.

When we argue we are fighting about how we love each other. That’s it. I need him to do acts of service for me. He needs me to give him words of affirmation. We fail at this all the time. This was very hard for both us in the beginning. I was raised where we do not build each other up. My parents never sugar-coated anything for us. At the time it was very hurtful, but it made each one of extremely strong individuals. We can reverse every action, and every word that we say so we see the bigger picture of what the consequence is going to be. When we say words of affirmation to each other we know we earned big time, and it is not a false affirmation. We know the other means it, because we don’t take it for granted.

One of the reasons why my MS bothers me is because I can’t do everything physically that I want to do. I have had to slow down and I don’t like it. I feel terrible guilt when I can’t do something for someone else. I feel guilt when I don’t get all the laundry done. I feel guilt if I order dinner and didn’t cook a meal for my husband. I feel guilt when I cancel something that I had committed to because I’m too tired to do it. I love to travel and see friends and family, but the problem is when I do it takes me weeks to recover physically. I will have to slow down now and not travel as much, because I understand the consequence of it.

When I have an attack one of my best friends takes care of getting everyone together to take care of everything that I do in my life for me. Her initial email is don’t call Jessica, and the reason being is because I will not get better if I am thinking about what I need to do, or want to do for someone else. She understands that is how I love people. I show my love for others through gifts or acts of service. I very rarely do it any other way. I am terrible with writing thank you notes, or saying how I feel about that person.

Over the top acts of generosity or acts of service bother me, because that is I how love people. I don’t want to have that burden of feeling like there is a catch to their actions. Here is the thing if I do a lot for someone, or they do a lot for me I don’t want to start thinking we owe each other something. Then it turns into selfish ambition, and gain. It becomes vile in his eyes. We begin to think well I did this for you, so you should do this for me. The whole act of giving becomes selfish.
I sometimes think people forget that God gets angry and is hurt by actions and words. Everything we do to another one of his children that is wrong hurts him deeply. Every act of kindness and love towards another makes him proud of us. This was the last part of 1 Corinthians 13 4-7 that I had to give up. “Love does not insist on its own way.” We can’t love another if we think their way of loving is wrong, or they aren‘t willing to see that it may be offensive and hurtful to another. We are being selfish, and not selfless.

My husband and I get very defensive with each other when we argue. We get that way because we know the other one is right. We aren’t willing to see it, because it wasn’t meant to be intentional in how we failed each other. That’s why that verse is a rebuke in how we love, because if we don’t love God that way or another that way we fail him. We have to learn how to love no matter how uncomfortable it is. Sugar coated scripture is bad in my opinion, because then we don’t see the bigger picture. We can even begin to stop seeing what we are doing to another. We may not understand it, but that doesn’t matter because it is how we hurt another.

I get angry very easily. I have a terrible temper. My motive behind this is that I want the other person to feel guilty. I want them to hurt as much as my heart does. I want to control them in my anger. I will reverse every word and every action when I am hurt, and do not have taming of the tongue. I am too harsh in my words and I become judgmental. I have had to work on this. It has not been easy for me. My husband controls through a pity party. He has the most beautiful eyes and you might as well forget trying to fight it. He uses his love as weapon through pity, and making me feel guilty. Neither one us likes this about ourselves.

My biggest test in this was during the Bastrop Fire donations. I could have said something out of anger because of the attacks that were made on my husband and me. For me not to say anything is a huge step. It was not worth it to me, because the individuals do not know or understand what they did. They don’t see anything wrong with their actions. They were being ignorant in their judgment of my husband and me. They aren’t willing to admit what they did wrong.
In the act that was committed we can be hurt and justified in our anger. What we do after though is going to be what matters to God. Are we willing to admit that we shouldn’t have done that, or had been wrong in the decision we made? I will have to eat a big piece of humble pie this December because of the severity of my reaction over an act that happened over last thanksgiving. I was justified in my anger. I wasn’t justified in my reaction. It was not good thanksgiving last year. I was in terrible mourning over my uncle and my grandmother. I was terrified that I was going to lose my dad during heart surgery on the Monday after thanksgiving. I had reached my stress level.

We are going into the holidays and people are a nervous wreck and very stressed out during this time of year. The stress of everything that we have to get done, and still get the stuff we normally do done is hard on people. Then we have to go in and pretend that stuff doesn’t bother us. Our pastor said on Sunday that happy people make him nervous. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I feel insecure around them. I feel like I have to be this perfect person and there is no way that is even true. The appearance of it creeps me out actually. It is not normal. My husband does this. He will pretend that something is not bothering him and it drives me crazy. I need to know what I did, or else I can’t fix my crap. The thing about this is you can tell me, and only a few other people can. I will get defensive. I admit it. The reason being is if I don’t trust you I will turn it around on you quickly. If you do please know that I expect you to admit what you did wrong in the situation. My friends know this about me. I will hold you accountable.

Don’t be ignorant in how your idea of love can damage someone else. As Christians we can reverse the action it is just how we say it. Christ does it in every part of the bible. He did get very angry with us for our actions and taking liberties with is his love. I have no idea where we get the idea that he doesn’t. How we love another and what we are willing to see in how we do it he hold us accountable  He will reverse it on you, and that idea that he won’t astounds me. A friend last year said the holidays are when Satan attacks us the most. I agree with that, because we are usually pretending everything is perfect and that we aren’t having a hard time with something.

A house and A Marriage

I prayed to give up control to God. He likes to test every part of that in my life once I do it. It is like praying for patience and then we have none. A friend of mine once said do not pray for patience, because he will test you even harder. This morning I was thinking of the simplest definition I could of what the relationship is with him and what Christ is trying to tell us in scripture.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:12

Reverse every action, every word, and see if you want that act done, or said to you. We reap what sow. Do unto others as you would your self. The perceptions and acts of what happens to us give us a test of faith in him at every turn. Sometimes our anger is justified, but it is how we handle the act after it is done. My mom likes to ask questions after you say something to her to make you think of the reverse. My mother and I do not agree politically, but however we both are fiscally conservative with our money. For example I said they are going to raise your social security payments, and she said how are they going to do that when they don’t have any money to do that? I said because they are going to raise our social security tax. She said oh that won’t affect me, and I said it will affect us which means no more final 4 tickets for you. She was not happy with that scenario.

I want my husband to find the house (I think that he did). It would be much easier on me, because I know him and the way his mind works. He’s an engineer. He is very detail oriented, and I am not. I don’t always need to understand what is in between. I just want to know what the bottom line is on how much it is going to cost, because I handle the money. We both love old houses. We like the little details of homes that were built 30 to 40 years ago that they really don’t build anymore unless you have Bill Gates salary. You can get them now, but it will cost a fortune to do that in the areas we are looking. After years of being married I am not comfortable with that financially long term, and he gets that.

The dynamics of marriage is interesting when you really think about it. When we get married especially for women we want the fairy tale and romance. Marriage can be completely opposite of that in so many areas. When we get married we become one in God’s eyes. It is a continual balancing act of compromise without forgetting the other‘s needs.. All the time we have to give up what is important to ourselves for the other. I am not saying that we should be a doormat, because protecting each other’s hearts is what we are to do. When you throw children into mix it gets harder.

Sometimes that balancing becomes one sided. Mothers really do it, because when we become moms we are like lions about our kids. We have a hard time putting our husbands above our children. Husbands miss their wives. Wives miss their husbands. We get so busy with life that we forget to fill our spouses’ needs, wants, and desires. It becomes a battle of the wills. Although we hear the one talking we don’t always listen to what our spouse is saying we don’ always hear what the other wants, or needs from them. Men and women perceive and hear things differently. It does not help at all that my husband and I know exactly what we don’t want or need on so many things. We are stubborn when it comes to seeing the bigger picture when we know what has to change. I figured out instead of asking our spouse to give up stuff we ask for, but what would we be willing to give up. I would give up books for my husband. This is my passion so for me to say that he knows that it is a big one. I told him that yesterday morning and he said you don‘t have to give that up; “I will find the house that I know we will all be happy in, and we need.”

"The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully." 2 Corinthians 9:6

Finding a house is going to be a task that I am not looking forward to. It is not any fun for me. I don’t like it at all. I can hear everyone saying why are you doing it then? Well, I have to do it because I have my mom to think about, and I have two kids that need more room. They are in school and I can only fit so many kids in my house. We have people over all the time and it is crowded. The bonus is we have a huge yard and it carries the overload. I realized that I have been doing this wrong. I have been going first to look. He needs to go first. He wants me to go with him so I have to go with him. My friends find this amazing that I am willing to let him pick it, because I am the one that is going to be there all day long. It is my work place, so I need it to be as functional as possible.
He has been looking at homes that we are going to have to remodel, and update. I could kill myself right there. What is left of my sanity, which is not a lot, will be gone. We just did that and I don’t know if I could handle another remodel. Actually, I know I can’t unless he takes off work for however long it takes to do. That is why he is so great at his job, because he is so detail oriented and precise. 2 kids, dogs, and maintaining everything I do at the same time is not easy. I am grateful and blessed that I did not get sick during the whole thing. Lots of arguments, discussions, and by the end I wanted to leave on a month, long vacation by myself. He is so confused by this, but for those that know him they know what I mean. He is a trip.
The longer we are married I realize my husband is like my grandfather whom I adored. However, I was not married to my grandfather, and my grandmother had to put up with his aeronautical, engineering mind on a daily basis. When he retired I have no idea how they did it, because my grandmother was very used to him not being there because he worked all the time. My grandpa wanted things a certain way and was not very compromising. My favorite memory is when my grandfather gave her some appliance at Christmas. She looked at him and told him to take it back because that is not the gift she wanted. Why would any stay at home wife and mother want an appliance to remind her of one more thing that she is going to have to clean and use on a daily basis? Husbands don’t do that. I think he gave her flowers, chocolates, or jewelry the rest of their marriage.

It broke my grandma’s will to the point where she was hard to deal with later in life. She wanted her way from then on. I love my grandma, but she was hard sometimes. I get it. The one thing however I am not willing to give up is my heart and my health to the conflict about walls, flooring, amenities, etc in a house. In the long run that is the stuff that is not going to matter it is going to be the memories for us and our kids.

"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ" Ephesians 5:21
Marriage is a constant act of giving up what we think is important. It is a completely selfless act of give and take. If we know our spouse needs certain emotional things please give it to them. If we know it bothers our spouse in anger, anxiety, worry, or damages their hearts we have to give it up. The resentment and bitterness that builds up over time will always be there if we don’t stop it in its tracks. My husband and I know this from experience.

Control

What a ride this year has been so far. I prayed and asked others to pray for a quick sale to our home and it happened. Now I am praying that my husband and I will find a new home. I have given that control more to my husband about what he wants. I have to be careful with the stress of it. It is not worth it to me physically or emotionally not to give my husband this control. I trust my husband to make the right decision for us as a family. He’s done it for years. I have to remember what is important to him is not to me, so I will have to give up the choosing of a house to him.

God’s tool with me appears to be to wake me up in the middle night, so I will write and work it out with him. He has nagged me for almost a year about a particular verse that drives me crazy. I have fought about this in my arrogance, because I know the reason why the verse was written and whom it was intended for. The reason why is because I am coming up on the anniversary of not having an attack in almost year. He is reminding me of my prayer during that time.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)

I can’t stand this verse because it is the harshest judgment in my opinion that God ever gave to Christians in  regarding love and the church. No one even teaches it that way, or interprets it that way. It is a beautiful verse describing what God's love is, but also a rebuke to christians in how they love him and their abuse of his love.  Unless we are Jesus Christ, or Paul himself please use it carefully towards another. We are rebuking them in how the love God. Talk about offensive and damaging to the heart. This verse about actions, not feelings. Our actions reflect our love of Christ and what we do to others in relationships. The best way to think about it is, would you want that action done to you? Would we do that to ourselves?  God is telling us this is what we do to him through our definition of what we think love is. We abuse it, we take liberties with it, we pervert it to our own control and then we do it to others. I understand the reason why we do it, because it says love. Remove love, it, is and not in verses 4-6 and this is what we do to God. This is how we abuse the gift of his son’s murder on the cross.

This is the current situation in the United States Government. They are abusing and taking liberties with our love of country. We are telling them no and they are guilt tripping us. They are abusing us with this verse and that is their motive. They want control of our lives and how we live it. Our next president is going to love God above all things not worldly views because it is not good for this country. The current president wants control of your life and he is using our love against us. How many of us are willing to give up control of our choices, our life, our money, and our purpose for this man? Plain and simple.

I do not like the abuse and liberties that are taken through love. I actually hate it. That is a vile game we play with another, and we should be ashamed of it. I know I am. I have read this verse at least a thousand times, studied hard over the last year. I feel like every theologians interpretation of what he means. He gave me the final part that I was missing in the verse, and pounded it with me at 3 am in the morning. He told me this is what I needed to do after a fight with my husband. He told my husband the same thing. We both cried in church Sunday morning over the pain and damage of what we have done in our abuse and liberty of our love for each other. We were damaging God every time we didn’t change it because of our selfishness and pride.

                                                “It does not insist on its own way;”

“All right, number 6 we learned, in verse 5, love does not behave itself rudely. Rude people are self-centered. They are saying, "I will do what I want the way I want whether you like it or not," and that's rude. But love is never rude, love always takes into consideration how someone else is going to feel, how they're going to respond so it never behaves rudely. It's never indifferent of the feelings of others, it's never contemptuous or disdainful of other's attitudes and proprieties. Seventh, and we're still reviewing, this is really the key to the whole section: "Love seeks not its own," verse 5 says, "Love seeks not its own." Love is not selfish. And the Corinthians, of course, were so very selfish, they sought only personal edification, personal satisfaction. Love seeks the satisfaction and the edification of others. It is selfless.” John MacArthur, The Perfection of Love. Grace to You Website

December 7th of this year will be the anniversary of me not having an MS attack for the first time in almost 10 years. I remember sitting in my doctor’s office in so much pain; physically and emotionally. I remember the poison of the very drugs that cure me when I am sick. I remember the taste of them in the back of my throat as it went through my blood stream. I remember wanting to vomit because they are so hard on my stomach. I remember the IV in my arm for over 3 hours a day. I remember begging God to stop, because I couldn’t take anymore. I remember the conversations with my doctor. I remember my parents and my step-mom being in so much pain, and being so angry. I remember looking at my dad, seeing the pain in his eyes, not being able to get well after surgery, mourning the death his mother, because his daughter was so sick.

I remember that my MS was attacking me with so much pain that I could barely move. I remember I could no longer feel my face. It was like having Novocain shots constantly that would not go away. My feet and body burned so bad that the idea of being touched terrified me. I was so weak I couldn’t pick up my children. I remember my mom crying because she was so angry. All I kept hearing in my head when I looked at her was what she said when she found out I was sick; I just don’t want you to be in pain. She was witnessing the pain consume my body from this disease and she couldn‘t take it away. She almost lost it. She couldn’t take anymore.

I prayed to God to break me. I prayed and begged for him to show me what he wanted me to do and give up while I was hooked to that IV. I remember the list that he gave me. I pray he tests me to see if I am willing to give it up for him. I pray that he breaks me over and over until I get it. I haven’t been sick for year because of that. The harsh version is because I got rid of the bullshit in my life that does matter in my relationship with him. I set the boundaries of what is acceptable according to what he has laid on my heart to follow. I will fight this at every turn not to go through that again. I’ll give him what he wants.

There are very few individuals that have seen me when I am this sick, including family members. The ones that have, I love and cherish and they feel that same way about me. They are with me during the whole treatment on and off. They take turns caring for me, my husband and my children. They know my heart and they know what I am capable of, because they have seen it. They have heard it, witnessed it and been their in every part of this journey. That right there is love. What a gift. What an incredible blessing. This is what I most thankful for in my life next to my husband and children.

Fight it. Give him what he needs. I know that it is not easy to do. I am not going to pretend that we will have to give up a lot; we will. Paul said this verse to Corinthian Church and he actually died for God teaching his words. It is not worth it in the end not to give him the control he wants. My illness is my gift from God for this very reason. It is about giving everything up that does not matter, or have reason for being there.
Most of all I remember my husband’s eyes when looking at me terrified that, that attack would put me in a wheelchair this time. He has that look in his eyes every time. Nothing is worth anything in the world to me to see that fear and pain in his eyes. I have stepped back from relationships this year, and I am continuing to give up more. I don’t do as much anymore. God is not done yet. My sole purpose is to take care of my boys and my husband. Nothing will interfere with that again. Nothing.