Walking Down the Aisle

The moment the doctor told me on the phone that I had MS my life changed and not in a good way. I have been thinking about this disease a lot, and the stresses in life that make me sick because I haven‘t been sick for a year. When I walked down the aisle and saw my husband I couldn’t bear the fact that he was going to have to deal with the fear and pain of me getting sicker over time. I thought how one man can love a woman that much or I should say “me.” I have done a lot of damage to myself because of this, more than I realized. I just realized this and confessed that to my husband on Monday. 10 years of marriage and I am just now realizing how bad it was. The good part about this is he protects me from the very stresses that make me sick. He is not afraid to tell me any longer out of fear that he will hurt me. He loves me too much not do that. He needs me above all others no matter what, so no one else or anything else with interfere with that. I will give him that no matter whom it hurts, and he does the same thing for me. That is marriage.

I hate illness. I hate that I have ignored my guilt and anger of this disease for 10 years. I hate going into to see my doctor and she is reminding me that I have to give myself a shot everyday, or medicine so I have enough energy to take care of my husband and children. I hate that I can't feel my face, or my feet. I hate having pain everyday, all day long. I hate that there are days where I am so tired that I can barely lift my arms to make food for my children. I hate that it is destroying my brain literally. He gave me a break this year when I begged him to stop. He gave me a year of breaking me over and over again. I hate pride and control.

We should have very few people in my opinion that we share our secrets with, trials with and temptations. Not everyone should do this. I realize that more and more. I have been thinking about this blog. People have told me and my husband that I shouldn’t write it. God bless my husband for defending me every time. The bigger picture of this blog is it offends me because it is what is inside me. It is what is inside all of us. That is why I write it. That is why one morning he said write and I listened. I have been purging myself for over a year now and sharing that with others. I have abused myself and my heart. I have slammed people for forgetting what he is trying to tell us. I have offended, I have judged, I have lashed out, I have cried, I have begged, I have been brought to my knees, because of my sins.

Last year someone quoted 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to me. I was so pissed and angry about that and I just now understand why. It was used to try and make me feel guilty about a situation that I was very angry about and I was justified in that anger. It wasn't intentional though at all. The problem was I failed miserably in the situation. My issue and my fault. He has plagued me with this for a year.

Now it is a blessing because it forced me to turn inward on myself, and save my marriage. It forced my husband to do the same. It has not been easy to do this with each other. I stepped back and stopped the pretense of being a Christian, and what society thinks a Christian should be. Christians should be messy. They should be willing to show humility in all of their actions. They should be willing to admit and confess their failures. They should be willing to see how their acts affect others; good and bad. There is such a thing as justified anger. I have a terrible temper and I am very harsh with it. I have had to take a hard look at it this year. My anger blinded what the truth was and why it upset me so much.

My question is to Christians that say they are, are you really? I had a pretense of what it meant to be one. I don’t think I have really been his until this last year. I have been learning about him, but not doing what he wanted me to do. I went to church, did acts of giving, talked about God, but never gave him control. My motive wasn’t always about what God was leading me to do it was about what people thought I should do. Christians like to say you should have quiet time with God. We should, but do our acts actually reflect what he tells us in scripture to do. Do we realize what the true motive is behind the act? We can say well I give love, but what is the motive behind the love? The idea that God is not going to tell you the truth about your actions and misinterpretation of his words is dangerous in my opinion. We are lying to ourselves. I have been lying to myself for years.

I have become more compassionate, but less tolerate of the abuse of God and scripture. Bastrop fire donations was the defining moment for me regarding my faith him. I was attacked so brutally through scripture while we were taking donations to people that had lost everything. I was accused of all sorts of things that I did towards these individuals. They didn’t like that I talked about God and politics. Really? That is not my issue if we like to live in some sort of dream world about ourselves. It just shows what is really in their heart. I didn’t say anything, and just walked away. Not my problem and it is not my issue it is their issue. I never would have done that a year ago. So what if scripture offends us, it should offend us. There is not one person on this earth that is perfect. See that is the thing about people that say they love god, because they will persecute in his name when they don’t even know what they are talking about.

Now, I need to start loving myself and praise him for the gifts he has given me in my heart more. I am so stubborn in my control and pride that he apparently has to do major acts and trials to get me to see. I am getting a little tired of it. I need to focus on the good and realize he has a plan that I just don't know about yet. I need to accept the bad and take care of it through him. I need to listen more, think more, discern more and ask more questions. I have decided to stop saying what do I need to do for others. I am going to say instead, ok what else do I need to give up and do so my heart becomes selfless. It actually scares me, because I don’t know if I have the strength for it. He will hold me up, because he hasn’t failed me. That’s what I get for praying that he should break me. It is ok, because I love him more. He is always with me now and I can’t ignore him any longer.

God is trying to tell us in this country that we have failed him. We may not think we have because we have good lives and we have done what we are supposed to do. I hate tell you this every great nation thought the same thing that he crushed with his wrath. He is very angry. It is amazing to me that he is still giving us chances. Start praying for our souls and others. Start praying that Israel accepts Christ. Start praying that our president does not turn his back on them, because the whole world is turning against them. He is a very destructive man in what is doing to this country. It is already happening right before our eyes. God does not care what political party we are in. I don’t believe so many that label themselves, as republican, conservative, liberal or democrat are true Christians. If they were they would have stood up loud and clear with the truth no matter whom they lost in the process. Our fear of telling the truth is going to destroy us. I love our country, but I love God and my family more.

If it takes you away from your spouse, or your children it doesn't need to be there.

"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." 1 Corithians 10:12

Apathy

I have been studying the love of God recently. I just a read sermon by John MacArthur regarding our apathy towards God in relationship with him, relationships, and society. Apathy is the tolerance and indifference to the act of a situation or circumstance in good and bad. In reality we are to think of our love towards him as a complete sacrifice of ourselves to him no matter how it affects our relationships, or the world. If we can’t do that then we really can’t love another the way he wants us to.

"Love" has been redefined as a broad tolerance that overlooks sin and embraces good and evil alike. That's not love; it's apathy. God's love is not at all like that. Remember, the supreme manifestation of God's love is the cross, where Christ "loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (v. 2). Thus Scripture explains the love of God in terms of sacrifice, atonement for sin, and propitiation: "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10). In other words Christ made Himself a sacrifice to turn away the wrath of an offended deity. Far from dismissing our sins with a benign tolerance, God gave His Son as an offering for sin, to satisfy His own wrath and justice in the salvation of sinners.” John MacArthur, The Love You Don’t Need - www.gty.org

We are starting advent now. We are waiting for something great to happen. Christ will be born. We are supposed slow down during this time, but none of us really will because society has made Christmas just another holiday where we have so many other things to take care of. We think these things matter, but they don‘t. I just had the best thanksgiving ever since I was a kid. We went to my dad’s, and we pretty much just spent the day together doing nothing. My boys ate when they were ready to, and we didn’t force them to sit at the table. They were having too much fun playing at paw paw’s house. It was great. Over the weekend I let them decorate the tree this year and it is not how I would do it, but it looks beautiful. Ornaments were broken, but they are just ornaments; just objects. The memory of this tree will be in my heart forever. I chose not to control this and let them do it. I chose not to get upset or angry about the ornaments. A year ago that would not have happened.

During my last attack last December I had a friend tell me that. She flat out said “you don’t have to do that.” “He is telling you to stop doing that out of love, and what my idea of what love was.” That is the reason I haven’t been sick. I started to discern the motive behind the acts of giving and loving. I am still learning it, and it is awesome! I am trying to discern and see what my acts are now. I am trying to tame my tongue. The reason why is because they can not be taken a way once they are done.

I have an issue with time and control. I want to control certain things that don’t matter in the long run. I don’t use time wisely. I rush around all the time. My husband doesn’t do that, and I think he should. Neither one of us has balance regarding time. I try to do everything in one day and I am at home all week. I am so tired by the end the day I can barely move. It drives my husband crazy.

When I asked God to break me he did, and now he is trying to bring me back with every action and every emotion. I love him for it. I can’t praise him enough for it. It appears that I am going to cry now in almost every sermon that our pastor gives. Every time I go now I break down about what else I need to do for God. There is so much hurt going on this country and with so many people we know. It just breaks my heart. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. God let men brutally kill his son, and we show apathy towards that; we take it for granted and most of us don‘t even know we do it.
We are so tolerate of evil that we don’t know what evil is. We have allowed the government to take care of our families. We have allowed them to feed our neighbors when we could do it for them ourselves if we need to. We have allowed mass genocide of babies, because of circumstance or that a woman didn’t want to have to care for that child. We have allowed them to take more from our military; the very men and women that protect us. They have lost so much for us, and we treat them horribly when we take what they need to care for their families, and defend this nation. We have individuals showing greed with taking up more resources of cities that can’t afford it. We never look at the consequence of what we are doing.
I don’t understand and I wish someone would explain it to me. I really do. We fight more about money, and how the money is to be spent other than saying the things we need to say out of fear and judgment. The funny thing is about judgment of another is when we say we aren’t doing it we are doing it. We are so afraid of saying to another that they are wrong, and that is not right what they are doing because we don‘t want them. Most of the things we say we aren’t doing to another we are doing.

See, I don’t like someone controlling my life, but I don’t want to face the fact that God has control over my life. I want to make the choices, not him. This doesn’t mean that we have the right to go out and break laws, disobey an employer or that my kids are not accountable to their teachers this just means that we have to accept the authority of those things. We are their parents, so we have a job to train them not do those things to the authorities and God. They have to understand that, because life is hard and there are consequences to doing the wrong thing or saying it.

We talked about the discipline of guidance yesterday. There are some people that you can’t do this with. We can have the spirit in us, but we can’t go around doing this to people. I have 4 individuals in my life that I go to that I am not scared to say anything to, or they aren’t either. One of them is my husband, and this was hard with him to do with me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He can’t do that anymore, because we have to talk to each other. The other three are the only others I trust with my heart, and they are not my parents. I only go to them for certain things, and they tell me the truth.

I used to give my heart to all individuals, and I don’t do that anymore. I am very cautious about it. I have hurt people and they have hurt me because of it. They just weren’t the ones that he wanted for me to do that with, and vice versus so I stopped.
We are a naïve’ nation to think he isn‘t showing us his wrath now. So many Christians are naïve’ in thinking that he is not angry with them. Think about our trials or problems we have that are happening right now to us. What is in us that we aren’t getting. He is giving us choice to either defeat the issue through him, or ignore it. When we look at another and we show judgment about it what are we really saying when we do that. That is the verse “look at the log in your own eye before you look at the speck in your brothers.” The story of the adulterous woman is us; we just do it too him and others. No one can cast a stone.

I remember now that I am worthy for him to love, and that he does love me. I am trying to discern what anxiety I feel when a trial comes up or problem. I want to know what is in me that I am missing that he is trying to show me. Yesterday my husband and I were sitting at lunch, and I looked him and said I had forgotten for almost 9 years that I wasn’t worthy enough for him. That’s why I got sick last year. That’s why he broke me. I am worthy for him, and I knew that before we got married. The guilt and shame of having this disease, and the burden he has had to carry was too much for me. I never wanted that for him. The reality is that he knew that if I got too sick he couldn’t make it better, and his wife would physically and emotionally be gone to him. My husband told me to stop thinking that, because when he married me he knew I was the other half his heart, and I was worthy.

I allowed that to happen to myself. I thought those things about myself. I forgot that he married me knowing that I was sick. That he chose to do that after finding out a month before our wedding. Right at that moment I forgot who I was. I was willing to never let my husband have that burden, and it broke my heart. My parents and my brother told me that they didn’t understand why I had forgotten that I was good enough for him, and that I was worthy. They just couldn’t grasp, or accept in their minds what I was doing. They knew this was not the woman they love. Thank God they did that. Those individuals that I pour my heart out to said the very same thing.

We’ve had a beautiful year of healing. The trials aren’t as overwhelming anymore. I accept it when God wakes me up in the middle of the night to come to him and write. I accept that he wants something else from me to give up. Christians remember your apathy towards him, because I fear that so many of us think that he is not an angry or wrathful God. Remember what he gave us to save us. Remember the birth of his son, and the brutal murder of his son for us. He will have to break us first to bring us back.

Thanksgiving - How stressed are you?

Another thanksgiving is upon us today. This meal is the meal of the year for some. Today is the day where Americans are remembering to be thankful for their blessings. I hope for most us that we remember that being alive is a blessing, because then we have one more day to give up our lives to Christ. We have one more day to figure out what we need to change in our hearts. That is what I am most thankful for everyday.

Remember today is just another day, and tomorrow all the same blessings and problems will still be there. This meal is one of my favorites of the year. The holiday is not my favorite any longer. I am missing my grandmother and uncle a lot right now with a heavy heart. I am thankful that when I see my dad today it will be another year with him. He had emergency heart surgery last year the Monday after thanksgiving. I have been thinking a lot about this time last year. All within a 5 week span I lost two of the most important individuals in my life, and I could have lost a third all during the thanksgiving. I was a mess.
I will share with you a legendary Stroud family (my mom’s family) story about one thanksgiving, and of course it involves my uncle. My family is very strong willed, and we can say anything to each other, but we do not take kindly to others outside of the family hurting one of us. My dad and my uncle did not get a long. They really didn’t like each other much after the divorce. The wedding was a little stressful because of that. We had no idea what my uncle was going to say to him. My mother basically told my uncle that she would beat the crap out of him if he ruined my wedding. He loved me enough not to say anything.
During a thanksgiving meal that my grandmother, my mother’s mother had prepared for us a food fight broke out by my dad towards my uncle. There had been some drinking going on and my uncle was on role as usual. He asked my dad to pass the stuffing balls. My grandmother made stuffing in pre-made scoops, and they just happened to be by my father when my uncle asked for them. My dad had, had it by that point so he proceeded to fling the stuffing ball across the table and it hit my uncle in the face. I still can hear the laughter of my family in my mind after that happened of those that are still with us and those that aren’t. My dad will bring up that story today, because it makes him so happy to talk about. Some of my mom’s family will talk about that story. We never hide about how we feel about each.

God forbid we ever play trivial pursuit together. I warned my husband about this when were about ready to play with him for the first time. I told him don’t answer the question unless are you sure that you know the answer. They will never forget the one time that you gave the wrong one, and your team lost the game. God I miss those times. We had a lot of fun. My husband’s family loves to play games, but I am too competitive. They are really nice when they play games together, so I never play because of that.

There is a lot that I am thankful for this year; not having an attack, my parents coming together in kindness again after 27 years, and giving more control to God. I have been juggling my parents divorce for years. Those are their issues, but I have to be respectful of them in that. When I was so sick last year they bonded again over a dinner that I was giving a speech at for MS. The next time I saw them together being kind was at the Bastrop fire donations. Both times I heard words from my parents that I knew I had earned from them. They do not give praise lightly, and I don’t take that for granted when they do. They did a lot damage to each other and it took them a long time to get over that. I get that much more now than I did.

The fires this year were devastating, and that is when I really started to pay attention to the actions of what God wanted me to do. I was so overwhelmed in witnessing the beauty of the citizens in this state that week. The individuals that lost everything in that fire and were given gifts they were overwhelmed with through your generosity in tears of joy and praise to God for that. Remember the act that you did for your neighbor that week, because God knew you could. You showed him the very act of selfless love.

I am thankful for our new church. Our pastor reminds of John MacArthur in his tell it like it is manner. I can attest that I have not one sermon that has been watered down regarding scripture. We need that, because it holds us accountable and deflates our egos and pride in ourselves. I like that, because it keeps me in check about what I am capable of doing. What we are all capable of doing, but we still know that we are so worthy to be loved God and he believes that. God is holding me back right now about giving my time in a new church. I did that because I thought that what was expected of me. The appearance was more important.

I go into church each Sunday now, and I have stopped worrying about the pretense of what other Christians think I should be doing. My husband and I have stopped saying to each other about what we need to do in our relationship with God and the church. No more you need to go to bible study. No more you need to volunteer for this or that. No more pretending that we really want to be there. Then it becomes a lie. Don’t to do that that to your spouse. You are trying to control them. Our relationship is our own not your spouse’s. God gave us his son to in death for that reason. Don’t pretend just because someone doesn’t think you are being a Christian.
I have found over the last year that God wants action most of all. We can say words of affirmation or feel remorse for someone or something, but are they are hollow? I have found that we have the ability to lose site of who we are as Christians because of what other Christians think we should be. That just means they love the world, and the appearance of being a Christian more. I am thankful for this actually because huge trials have been before me this year, because to give him more. I taking that for granted ever again. Trials usually become blessing over time. There is always a bigger picture to what he is doing in our lives no matter how much pain there could be.

Today when we are stressing out about being in the room with our families remember they may be having a hard time too. Be thankful that we have a table and meal to share, because so many in this country don’t have that today. They are so many worried about paying for this meal when they can barely pay their bills or don’t have a job. Remember that we have to accept and love individuals with all their flaws, because God knows they are worthy. Don’t worry so much about what others don’t want to see in themselves. That is being judgmental. We are accountable to God first, and then the other things will fall into place if we just listen to him. Be most thankful for the fact that he does think you are worthy and he loves you tremendously.

The best part about today for me is that I get to have lunch with my family, but after a couple of hours with them I get to come home with my boys and my husband. It will be just the 4 of us the rest of today.

“For God so loved the world, (this is us) that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Saturday I was checking out at the grocery store and when she rang up all the wine and the beer she proceeded to ask if I was getting ready for thanksgiving with my family. I said no this is actually for the family birthday party. I love my family, but it is a lot of work for all of us to be in the same room together. The amazing part is I get to witness my parents talk to each other now without looking like they are going to kill each other. They even laugh together. It is the craziest thing, and I thought that would never happen. They stopped doing last year after I got so sick. They just couldn’t handle my pain and not being a team for me. They hadn’t even done anything to cause that pain.

If you have never read the book the five love languages by Gary Chapman you should. It is an awesome book of how we love, or the damage we can do through our love of another. God is love, so he is all of the love languages. We are not love. We are sinners. God is trying to train us in how we love each other. How we love is not how the other person does, and we forget that. The book is meant for marriage, but I think we can use it for all relationships. I have started watching our children to see what they respond to the best, because God has given them to us to train them. They both love differently and they need love from us differently.
My husband and I love differently. We both need words of affirmation and quality time, but he needs it more than I do. I am not good with either one of them. The way I love is by action. If I ask him to do something and he gets it done right away that shows me that he loves me. When he doesn’t do that it has the reverse affect. It’s not that he doesn’t love me it’s just he doesn’t always realize that is how I see it and what I need from him. If an act is committed that upsets me I see it as an act against my heart. I get angry because it wounds my heart. This is something we both have to work on all the time, because life gets in the way.

When we got married he had a hard time realizing that I needed to by myself a lot. My family is that way. We do not have to spend hours together. Our family dinners don’t last long. We eat and are maybe together a couple of hours more. Each one of us would rather be reading a book, watching a movie, or taking a nap. We don’t see anything wrong with it because we understand that is all we need from each other. My husband is amazed by it, because his family is not that way at all. His family can spend every minute together and are very good about giving words of affirmation. Guess what there is nothing wrong with either way, because God loves us the same but we love each other differently. That is why it is so important to understand how another loves. I am not saying this gets us out of stuff, but it pushes us to change what is uncomfortable for us.

When we argue we are fighting about how we love each other. That’s it. I need him to do acts of service for me. He needs me to give him words of affirmation. We fail at this all the time. This was very hard for both us in the beginning. I was raised where we do not build each other up. My parents never sugar-coated anything for us. At the time it was very hurtful, but it made each one of extremely strong individuals. We can reverse every action, and every word that we say so we see the bigger picture of what the consequence is going to be. When we say words of affirmation to each other we know we earned big time, and it is not a false affirmation. We know the other means it, because we don’t take it for granted.

One of the reasons why my MS bothers me is because I can’t do everything physically that I want to do. I have had to slow down and I don’t like it. I feel terrible guilt when I can’t do something for someone else. I feel guilt when I don’t get all the laundry done. I feel guilt if I order dinner and didn’t cook a meal for my husband. I feel guilt when I cancel something that I had committed to because I’m too tired to do it. I love to travel and see friends and family, but the problem is when I do it takes me weeks to recover physically. I will have to slow down now and not travel as much, because I understand the consequence of it.

When I have an attack one of my best friends takes care of getting everyone together to take care of everything that I do in my life for me. Her initial email is don’t call Jessica, and the reason being is because I will not get better if I am thinking about what I need to do, or want to do for someone else. She understands that is how I love people. I show my love for others through gifts or acts of service. I very rarely do it any other way. I am terrible with writing thank you notes, or saying how I feel about that person.

Over the top acts of generosity or acts of service bother me, because that is I how love people. I don’t want to have that burden of feeling like there is a catch to their actions. Here is the thing if I do a lot for someone, or they do a lot for me I don’t want to start thinking we owe each other something. Then it turns into selfish ambition, and gain. It becomes vile in his eyes. We begin to think well I did this for you, so you should do this for me. The whole act of giving becomes selfish.
I sometimes think people forget that God gets angry and is hurt by actions and words. Everything we do to another one of his children that is wrong hurts him deeply. Every act of kindness and love towards another makes him proud of us. This was the last part of 1 Corinthians 13 4-7 that I had to give up. “Love does not insist on its own way.” We can’t love another if we think their way of loving is wrong, or they aren‘t willing to see that it may be offensive and hurtful to another. We are being selfish, and not selfless.

My husband and I get very defensive with each other when we argue. We get that way because we know the other one is right. We aren’t willing to see it, because it wasn’t meant to be intentional in how we failed each other. That’s why that verse is a rebuke in how we love, because if we don’t love God that way or another that way we fail him. We have to learn how to love no matter how uncomfortable it is. Sugar coated scripture is bad in my opinion, because then we don’t see the bigger picture. We can even begin to stop seeing what we are doing to another. We may not understand it, but that doesn’t matter because it is how we hurt another.

I get angry very easily. I have a terrible temper. My motive behind this is that I want the other person to feel guilty. I want them to hurt as much as my heart does. I want to control them in my anger. I will reverse every word and every action when I am hurt, and do not have taming of the tongue. I am too harsh in my words and I become judgmental. I have had to work on this. It has not been easy for me. My husband controls through a pity party. He has the most beautiful eyes and you might as well forget trying to fight it. He uses his love as weapon through pity, and making me feel guilty. Neither one us likes this about ourselves.

My biggest test in this was during the Bastrop Fire donations. I could have said something out of anger because of the attacks that were made on my husband and me. For me not to say anything is a huge step. It was not worth it to me, because the individuals do not know or understand what they did. They don’t see anything wrong with their actions. They were being ignorant in their judgment of my husband and me. They aren’t willing to admit what they did wrong.
In the act that was committed we can be hurt and justified in our anger. What we do after though is going to be what matters to God. Are we willing to admit that we shouldn’t have done that, or had been wrong in the decision we made? I will have to eat a big piece of humble pie this December because of the severity of my reaction over an act that happened over last thanksgiving. I was justified in my anger. I wasn’t justified in my reaction. It was not good thanksgiving last year. I was in terrible mourning over my uncle and my grandmother. I was terrified that I was going to lose my dad during heart surgery on the Monday after thanksgiving. I had reached my stress level.

We are going into the holidays and people are a nervous wreck and very stressed out during this time of year. The stress of everything that we have to get done, and still get the stuff we normally do done is hard on people. Then we have to go in and pretend that stuff doesn’t bother us. Our pastor said on Sunday that happy people make him nervous. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I feel insecure around them. I feel like I have to be this perfect person and there is no way that is even true. The appearance of it creeps me out actually. It is not normal. My husband does this. He will pretend that something is not bothering him and it drives me crazy. I need to know what I did, or else I can’t fix my crap. The thing about this is you can tell me, and only a few other people can. I will get defensive. I admit it. The reason being is if I don’t trust you I will turn it around on you quickly. If you do please know that I expect you to admit what you did wrong in the situation. My friends know this about me. I will hold you accountable.

Don’t be ignorant in how your idea of love can damage someone else. As Christians we can reverse the action it is just how we say it. Christ does it in every part of the bible. He did get very angry with us for our actions and taking liberties with is his love. I have no idea where we get the idea that he doesn’t. How we love another and what we are willing to see in how we do it he hold us accountable  He will reverse it on you, and that idea that he won’t astounds me. A friend last year said the holidays are when Satan attacks us the most. I agree with that, because we are usually pretending everything is perfect and that we aren’t having a hard time with something.

A house and A Marriage

I prayed to give up control to God. He likes to test every part of that in my life once I do it. It is like praying for patience and then we have none. A friend of mine once said do not pray for patience, because he will test you even harder. This morning I was thinking of the simplest definition I could of what the relationship is with him and what Christ is trying to tell us in scripture.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:12

Reverse every action, every word, and see if you want that act done, or said to you. We reap what sow. Do unto others as you would your self. The perceptions and acts of what happens to us give us a test of faith in him at every turn. Sometimes our anger is justified, but it is how we handle the act after it is done. My mom likes to ask questions after you say something to her to make you think of the reverse. My mother and I do not agree politically, but however we both are fiscally conservative with our money. For example I said they are going to raise your social security payments, and she said how are they going to do that when they don’t have any money to do that? I said because they are going to raise our social security tax. She said oh that won’t affect me, and I said it will affect us which means no more final 4 tickets for you. She was not happy with that scenario.

I want my husband to find the house (I think that he did). It would be much easier on me, because I know him and the way his mind works. He’s an engineer. He is very detail oriented, and I am not. I don’t always need to understand what is in between. I just want to know what the bottom line is on how much it is going to cost, because I handle the money. We both love old houses. We like the little details of homes that were built 30 to 40 years ago that they really don’t build anymore unless you have Bill Gates salary. You can get them now, but it will cost a fortune to do that in the areas we are looking. After years of being married I am not comfortable with that financially long term, and he gets that.

The dynamics of marriage is interesting when you really think about it. When we get married especially for women we want the fairy tale and romance. Marriage can be completely opposite of that in so many areas. When we get married we become one in God’s eyes. It is a continual balancing act of compromise without forgetting the other‘s needs.. All the time we have to give up what is important to ourselves for the other. I am not saying that we should be a doormat, because protecting each other’s hearts is what we are to do. When you throw children into mix it gets harder.

Sometimes that balancing becomes one sided. Mothers really do it, because when we become moms we are like lions about our kids. We have a hard time putting our husbands above our children. Husbands miss their wives. Wives miss their husbands. We get so busy with life that we forget to fill our spouses’ needs, wants, and desires. It becomes a battle of the wills. Although we hear the one talking we don’t always listen to what our spouse is saying we don’ always hear what the other wants, or needs from them. Men and women perceive and hear things differently. It does not help at all that my husband and I know exactly what we don’t want or need on so many things. We are stubborn when it comes to seeing the bigger picture when we know what has to change. I figured out instead of asking our spouse to give up stuff we ask for, but what would we be willing to give up. I would give up books for my husband. This is my passion so for me to say that he knows that it is a big one. I told him that yesterday morning and he said you don‘t have to give that up; “I will find the house that I know we will all be happy in, and we need.”

"The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully." 2 Corinthians 9:6

Finding a house is going to be a task that I am not looking forward to. It is not any fun for me. I don’t like it at all. I can hear everyone saying why are you doing it then? Well, I have to do it because I have my mom to think about, and I have two kids that need more room. They are in school and I can only fit so many kids in my house. We have people over all the time and it is crowded. The bonus is we have a huge yard and it carries the overload. I realized that I have been doing this wrong. I have been going first to look. He needs to go first. He wants me to go with him so I have to go with him. My friends find this amazing that I am willing to let him pick it, because I am the one that is going to be there all day long. It is my work place, so I need it to be as functional as possible.
He has been looking at homes that we are going to have to remodel, and update. I could kill myself right there. What is left of my sanity, which is not a lot, will be gone. We just did that and I don’t know if I could handle another remodel. Actually, I know I can’t unless he takes off work for however long it takes to do. That is why he is so great at his job, because he is so detail oriented and precise. 2 kids, dogs, and maintaining everything I do at the same time is not easy. I am grateful and blessed that I did not get sick during the whole thing. Lots of arguments, discussions, and by the end I wanted to leave on a month, long vacation by myself. He is so confused by this, but for those that know him they know what I mean. He is a trip.
The longer we are married I realize my husband is like my grandfather whom I adored. However, I was not married to my grandfather, and my grandmother had to put up with his aeronautical, engineering mind on a daily basis. When he retired I have no idea how they did it, because my grandmother was very used to him not being there because he worked all the time. My grandpa wanted things a certain way and was not very compromising. My favorite memory is when my grandfather gave her some appliance at Christmas. She looked at him and told him to take it back because that is not the gift she wanted. Why would any stay at home wife and mother want an appliance to remind her of one more thing that she is going to have to clean and use on a daily basis? Husbands don’t do that. I think he gave her flowers, chocolates, or jewelry the rest of their marriage.

It broke my grandma’s will to the point where she was hard to deal with later in life. She wanted her way from then on. I love my grandma, but she was hard sometimes. I get it. The one thing however I am not willing to give up is my heart and my health to the conflict about walls, flooring, amenities, etc in a house. In the long run that is the stuff that is not going to matter it is going to be the memories for us and our kids.

"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ" Ephesians 5:21
Marriage is a constant act of giving up what we think is important. It is a completely selfless act of give and take. If we know our spouse needs certain emotional things please give it to them. If we know it bothers our spouse in anger, anxiety, worry, or damages their hearts we have to give it up. The resentment and bitterness that builds up over time will always be there if we don’t stop it in its tracks. My husband and I know this from experience.

Control

What a ride this year has been so far. I prayed and asked others to pray for a quick sale to our home and it happened. Now I am praying that my husband and I will find a new home. I have given that control more to my husband about what he wants. I have to be careful with the stress of it. It is not worth it to me physically or emotionally not to give my husband this control. I trust my husband to make the right decision for us as a family. He’s done it for years. I have to remember what is important to him is not to me, so I will have to give up the choosing of a house to him.

God’s tool with me appears to be to wake me up in the middle night, so I will write and work it out with him. He has nagged me for almost a year about a particular verse that drives me crazy. I have fought about this in my arrogance, because I know the reason why the verse was written and whom it was intended for. The reason why is because I am coming up on the anniversary of not having an attack in almost year. He is reminding me of my prayer during that time.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)

I can’t stand this verse because it is the harshest judgment in my opinion that God ever gave to Christians in  regarding love and the church. No one even teaches it that way, or interprets it that way. It is a beautiful verse describing what God's love is, but also a rebuke to christians in how they love him and their abuse of his love.  Unless we are Jesus Christ, or Paul himself please use it carefully towards another. We are rebuking them in how the love God. Talk about offensive and damaging to the heart. This verse about actions, not feelings. Our actions reflect our love of Christ and what we do to others in relationships. The best way to think about it is, would you want that action done to you? Would we do that to ourselves?  God is telling us this is what we do to him through our definition of what we think love is. We abuse it, we take liberties with it, we pervert it to our own control and then we do it to others. I understand the reason why we do it, because it says love. Remove love, it, is and not in verses 4-6 and this is what we do to God. This is how we abuse the gift of his son’s murder on the cross.

This is the current situation in the United States Government. They are abusing and taking liberties with our love of country. We are telling them no and they are guilt tripping us. They are abusing us with this verse and that is their motive. They want control of our lives and how we live it. Our next president is going to love God above all things not worldly views because it is not good for this country. The current president wants control of your life and he is using our love against us. How many of us are willing to give up control of our choices, our life, our money, and our purpose for this man? Plain and simple.

I do not like the abuse and liberties that are taken through love. I actually hate it. That is a vile game we play with another, and we should be ashamed of it. I know I am. I have read this verse at least a thousand times, studied hard over the last year. I feel like every theologians interpretation of what he means. He gave me the final part that I was missing in the verse, and pounded it with me at 3 am in the morning. He told me this is what I needed to do after a fight with my husband. He told my husband the same thing. We both cried in church Sunday morning over the pain and damage of what we have done in our abuse and liberty of our love for each other. We were damaging God every time we didn’t change it because of our selfishness and pride.

                                                “It does not insist on its own way;”

“All right, number 6 we learned, in verse 5, love does not behave itself rudely. Rude people are self-centered. They are saying, "I will do what I want the way I want whether you like it or not," and that's rude. But love is never rude, love always takes into consideration how someone else is going to feel, how they're going to respond so it never behaves rudely. It's never indifferent of the feelings of others, it's never contemptuous or disdainful of other's attitudes and proprieties. Seventh, and we're still reviewing, this is really the key to the whole section: "Love seeks not its own," verse 5 says, "Love seeks not its own." Love is not selfish. And the Corinthians, of course, were so very selfish, they sought only personal edification, personal satisfaction. Love seeks the satisfaction and the edification of others. It is selfless.” John MacArthur, The Perfection of Love. Grace to You Website

December 7th of this year will be the anniversary of me not having an MS attack for the first time in almost 10 years. I remember sitting in my doctor’s office in so much pain; physically and emotionally. I remember the poison of the very drugs that cure me when I am sick. I remember the taste of them in the back of my throat as it went through my blood stream. I remember wanting to vomit because they are so hard on my stomach. I remember the IV in my arm for over 3 hours a day. I remember begging God to stop, because I couldn’t take anymore. I remember the conversations with my doctor. I remember my parents and my step-mom being in so much pain, and being so angry. I remember looking at my dad, seeing the pain in his eyes, not being able to get well after surgery, mourning the death his mother, because his daughter was so sick.

I remember that my MS was attacking me with so much pain that I could barely move. I remember I could no longer feel my face. It was like having Novocain shots constantly that would not go away. My feet and body burned so bad that the idea of being touched terrified me. I was so weak I couldn’t pick up my children. I remember my mom crying because she was so angry. All I kept hearing in my head when I looked at her was what she said when she found out I was sick; I just don’t want you to be in pain. She was witnessing the pain consume my body from this disease and she couldn‘t take it away. She almost lost it. She couldn’t take anymore.

I prayed to God to break me. I prayed and begged for him to show me what he wanted me to do and give up while I was hooked to that IV. I remember the list that he gave me. I pray he tests me to see if I am willing to give it up for him. I pray that he breaks me over and over until I get it. I haven’t been sick for year because of that. The harsh version is because I got rid of the bullshit in my life that does matter in my relationship with him. I set the boundaries of what is acceptable according to what he has laid on my heart to follow. I will fight this at every turn not to go through that again. I’ll give him what he wants.

There are very few individuals that have seen me when I am this sick, including family members. The ones that have, I love and cherish and they feel that same way about me. They are with me during the whole treatment on and off. They take turns caring for me, my husband and my children. They know my heart and they know what I am capable of, because they have seen it. They have heard it, witnessed it and been their in every part of this journey. That right there is love. What a gift. What an incredible blessing. This is what I most thankful for in my life next to my husband and children.

Fight it. Give him what he needs. I know that it is not easy to do. I am not going to pretend that we will have to give up a lot; we will. Paul said this verse to Corinthian Church and he actually died for God teaching his words. It is not worth it in the end not to give him the control he wants. My illness is my gift from God for this very reason. It is about giving everything up that does not matter, or have reason for being there.
Most of all I remember my husband’s eyes when looking at me terrified that, that attack would put me in a wheelchair this time. He has that look in his eyes every time. Nothing is worth anything in the world to me to see that fear and pain in his eyes. I have stepped back from relationships this year, and I am continuing to give up more. I don’t do as much anymore. God is not done yet. My sole purpose is to take care of my boys and my husband. Nothing will interfere with that again. Nothing.

Penn State

The fear of sexual abuse is a nightmare for parents. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of this and why someone would protect a man for all these years because of football. It keeps getting worse by the minute and now there is a rumor that Sandusky may have been prostituting children out to the highest donors through the charity that he founded, Second Mile. Enabling someone to hurt a child is the same as the act itself. God was very clear about protecting innocent life; children. We have no excuse if we say we believe in God and don‘t do anything; welcome to hell. That why’s abortion is genocide.

Being raised by a social worker that’s sole job was to protect physically and sexually abused children leaves an impression. The stories I have heard are horrific. Writing about this is not an easy thing, but if you think this is going on or know that it is you need to do something. We will be as guilty as the pedophile in the eyes of God and in my opinion we should be in the justice system. My mother in all of years of training can spot someone, or can have a sense that something is not right just by looking. I thank God she is in my children‘s life everyday.

There is no excuse for not protecting a child; none. I don’t care if you are a great coach or not. The students that are protesting his firing have turned the priority into football and not those children. The damage that has been done is irreversible. We are turning perversion into rights in this country. Sometime ago I wrote a posting regarding psychiatrists that are doing studies that are suggesting this is a lifestyle and should be accepted just like homosexuality. There is even a bill out there to put this in our laws through individuals that are protecting pedophiles. If we stand by and let it happen we have failed as a nation.

We argue that rich people have too much money. We argue about Medicare. We are arguing about immigration. We argue about education. We argue about how expensive our healthcare is. We worry about social security and the seniors in our country well get off your ass and take care of your parents. They clothed you, feed you, and gave you shelter. Quit relying on the government to do it for you.

We don’t argue about the resources in this country that have been cut federally and through the states to protect children. Second Mile is an organization for high-risk foster care children. My only question is; what the hell is wrong with us? If we keep cutting the very programs that protect our children we will be damned, and I think he is already doing that. We worry more about the parents and their welfare. By cutting the very things that protect our citizens out of compassion and empathy for the poor in this country we are failing. If you want to help the poor get off your ass and do it.
Unfortunately this story reminds of the Catholic Church. That is the reason why I would never be a supporter of the Catholic Church. The pope and the higher authorities in the church protected the priests that are pedophiles and destroyed thousands of lives because of that. Do people not realize that their authority is not the church, but God is? The parishnors that allow that to continue are just as much to blame in my opinion. We are commanded by God to protect innocent life, and those that ignore that will be held accountable. In our minds we don’t think that he will. He keeps a list of everything we do.

Over the last few months my opinions and beliefs regarding politics has changed even more. I don’t care about all of this stuff. I want the money to go to our protection. I want to know that my children are safe and that our law enforcement has the resources to do that. We are putting money above God and our children. We should be damned. I hope that this posting makes us feel terrible about what we are doing and question our beliefs in this country. I even hope that if this offends one of you so you can get out of my life. I have no tolerance for people that cannot see what they are doing to the children in this nation.

Our fear of reporting, or going after someone that does this is insane to me. We think I can’t get myself involved in this. What is wrong with us? We have got a bunch of spoiled individuals out there protesting because Wall Street makes money and they want it. Life sucks and it is hard. Suck it up. I don’t care about collective bargaining rights, or that we have college debts. I don’t care if we got in over our heads financially, and everyone else wants someone to pay for it. No one told us that everything in life is secure. I could lose every thing tomorrow. If your parents taught you that than I feel bad for you, because you will be in for a very rude awakening. If you have child and are relying on someone else to take care of them for you, you should be ashamed.
I am a republican and conservative because their beliefs are more towards protecting our country with the military and law enforcement. They don’t believe in those cuts. I want our troops home. I don’t care if the Middle East kills themselves off. I don’t care about the oil over there, because we have oil here. We won’t drill because of animals and trees. What about protecting our children? My liberal friends get your priorities straight. There is no excuse for not protecting our citizens on our soil. I am not going to apologize if you don’t feel that is not compassionate. We better protect our defense and our 2nd amendment right to bear arms. Don’t jeopardize their resources because you don’t think people want to harm you or your children.

There is no compromise on this; none. If you say you are a Christian then you should probably read the bible more because you are not one. This should disgust you, and I will question your heart on this and you accountable. When you had your child he gave you that child to protect, love and raise. We may have physically had the child, but they are his. I don’t understand this country. I don’t understand democrats and liberals because with their misguided bullshit our children are being raped, killed and neglected. We want everyone else to take care of them. We want to protect the very individuals that do this over our children, because they may get hurt in prison. Even criminals in prisons can’t stand individuals that hurt children.

Every president and congressman that has allowed these cuts to happen is an enabler. They don’t deserve to serve this country. I am very passionate about children, because I have met a lot of the children that this happened to. I have no idea how my mother did not kill some of these people. I would have hung them from the tree on the courthouse steps. I would give my life for my children. They are God’s children, and every child in the United States is his. I would start fighting for protection, and then we can move forward.

I started thinking about why I really want a new house. I realized that for over 2 years I have wanted another child. I want one desperately. I can’t physically have one, but I can take a child into our home. People always say how are you going to do that with your MS? God has protected me for a very long time regarding my MS. My MS does not matter when it comes to my children. If I have fear about my illness I have failed him.

I am not going to apologize to anyone about this post. Don’t even email me if this offends you. There are two sides and if we forget his wrath for ignoring what is right shame on us. Scripture justifies war and capital punishment. Stop trying to change his word. You have failed him when you do that. He is very clear that by his hand alone you may, or may not get it.

“Cursed be anyone who takes a bribe to shed innocent blood.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’ Deuteronomy 27:25


“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for
him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” 9:42



“But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Revelations 21:8

My Mom and I

The first biggest fear for me buying a new house is my boys and the adjustment. The second biggest fear is money. I failed right there and I continue to fail every time I don’t trust in him. Fear, worry, and anxiety are terrible. I have to remember that in the long run this will be good for my boys, and I will be caring for my mom. She doesn't need it yet, but I have a responsibility to her as her daughter. The funny part is it took me a long time to be ok about living with her. I haven't lived with her since I was 13 years old.

If you had asked me 10 years, or even 5 years ago if I would move in with my mom I would have said no way is that going to happen. We have come full circle. Being the daughter of a social worker is not easy. When we are children we are selfish. We don’t understand the bigger picture that there are people out there that need help. We just want our mom. It is taken me years to overcome my parents divorce. They made mistakes because they are human. Now that I am married I can understand why people divorce and the damage they can cause to each other. In the end it would not have been have choice for me not to deal with it, because I adore and cherish them.

My husband said something to me one day, and it all made sense to me right then regarding my relationship with my mom. When it comes to our children their needs come first. For years I had felt that my mom chose the needs of others above my brother and I. When my parents divorced my mom went back to work because she had to. She made the decision not to take alimony from dad. She didn’t feel that was right, but with that choice she would have to be away from us. My dad had a lot of financial responsibility, so he decided to move to Texas to take a higher paying position. That was his choice. I resented him for moving to Texas.

I am going to tell you though I thank God they made these choices because I would not be the person I am today if was not for my parents. I would not have the strength to live my life the way I do. Both are “tell like it is” individuals. They did not sugar coat life for either one of us. They allowed us to make mistakes. There is no way they did not know what the consequence would be if we did something. I would get myself in trouble and well they would say “sorry you made that decision that is being an adult.” When I got married they said marriage is hard and a lot of work. This is your decision and we’ve raised you. When I had my first child they said; we will help when you need it but we are not babysitters, and remember you wanted a child.

When I was 13 I made the decision to move in with my dad. I left my mom and my brother. The guilt is still there. I adore my brother and I am very proud of the man that he has become. I was not a kind child. Very angry and depressed. I was angry with my mom and my dad. I needed them both very much. The twist on this is when I moved to Texas I rebelled big time against my dad’s authority. Plus, I was a teenage girl that thought she knew everything. Silly, silly teenagers listen to your parents because you don’t know anything yet.

The greatest blessing God ever gave me is my MS. Yes, he gave me my husband and my children but my MS is the greatest gift he has ever given me. I had ignored him for so long, and had so much pain in my heart that he forced me to deal with it. While dealing with the diagnosis in therapy all the other stuff came out. I felt abandoned and unloved my mother, because she had given so much to other children that really needed it. I needed my mom too. I think about that now and I can’t imagine the emotional toll it took on my mom to do her job. I don’t know how she had anything left by the end of the day knowing what she knew parents were capable of doing to their children.

Almost 8 years ago my mother retired early and moved to Chicago to take care of my uncle. During that time my husband and I decided that we wanted a child. I knew that physically this was going to take a lot work. I was going to need help with the baby when I needed to rest. I asked my mom to move to Texas to help me. To be honest I thought she would say no. I thought she has taken care of my uncle and she wants to get back to her friends and her life. When she said yes my heart began to heal. I couldn’t believe that she had chosen me. I needed that. She gave up her life to be with me. I am so grateful for that.

God gave us both that gift. We had to forgive each other for what we had done to each other. Our relationship is really good now. I envy my sons relationship with her. They get to have that part of her that I really never had. I get to have it now, and it feels wonderful to have my mom. We don’t agree politically, but we do on how we give in most things. I got that from her. I just need her to be here with us. I want her to have this life with us, and know that we will take care of her if she needs it.

My parents are proud of their children and I think they know they did something right. It is amazing how God works in your life when you let him. When I told them I was sick I think it began to change for them. They both reacted in different ways. I was a month a way from getting married, and that was a concern for both of them. They knew this was going to be hard on me and my husband. My dad asked him flat out if he was still going to marry me. I have a good husband. My parents respect him a great deal, because not many men could handle that with such grace.

They both have only gotten mad at him once over the years. To be honest I am surprised neither one of them got involved in the situation. My parents don’t do that. I have never seen them that mad before because they felt he was not protecting my heart and I got very sick. I have also never seen them come together again as my parents protecting their daughter. They actually discussed it at an MS dinner where I was speaking.

They have always stayed out of our choices on how we are living now that we are adults. Well, I should say they give me looks when I can tell they don’t agree with something. I can count on one hand how many times they have said something to me. It is not always in my favor. They do not pretend their daughter is perfect when I have asked for advice (which is very rare). Thank God because it keeps me in check.

They are enjoying their life now with my children. They are proud of my boys’ hearts, and the mom I am to them. That is great feeling. When I talk about my parents I really need to include my step mom because she had to deal with a lot when I was living in her home. I have apologized to her for my actions. My boys adore her, and my step mom is an incredible woman, wife, and mother. She is just as protective of my brother and me as my parents are. I never realized that until the end of last of year. I am honoring my parents by being the adult that they raised to be.

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12

The "What ifs" in Life

I am huge “what if” person. It drives my husband crazy, and it drives me crazy. I had to figure out a way to stop doing that all the time. A verse in proverbs says “trust in the lord” and this was not coming into my mind on a daily basis. This is my favorite verse in the bible, and I have failed to keep that command far too many times in my life out of fear. Some things in life we have no control over, and the stuff we know we can change we just have to try to do it. What is amazing is when I stopped doing that all the time and accepted things for what it was I stopped getting sick.

We are in the process of getting ready to sell our house and move. This was not even on the radar. We had not been praying about this, or even talking about it. We both are content with our life, and our home. For me the ultimate goal would be a home that my mom can share with us. We know she is alone and doesn’t have a huge amount of resources. My brother and I will have to decide about her long term care. We know how we can handle the situation, and my husband is ok with that. That was the biggest issue for me regarding him. I wanted him to feel comfortable with the idea of his mother in law living with him. I didn’t want him to resent me in the long run. Plus, this is his home and he is the head this home. I know think that, but he really is. Believe me I know how far I can push it.

The good thing about this is she will have separate quarters and she won’t be in the actual house with us. I love my mom, but I have not lived with her since I was 13 when I moved to Texas. It is amazing how life comes full circle. I would not be able to function physically without my mom being here. She is our “nanny.” We are very close and she is a huge support system to me. I am commanded by god to honor my parents and care for them later in life. I really have no choice about this. God knew that I worried about this and he gave me plenty of time to sort out the details on how I was to handle it. He knows I am not very good with change. He sure has been pushing me out of my comfort zones lately. The bad part is I still fear the outcome. He doesn’t want me to do that. He will drive me crazy until I get it.

I am nervous about this process. Our realtor was here yesterday to bring our contract over. I have really been nervous about putting that “for sale” sign in the yard. She asked me why we don’t just do it now. The house is ready to go. She is right, but I need at least another week. The fear of this could overwhelm me if I am not careful. The financial part is what scares me the most. I made sure the mortgage guy at USAA was recording our conversation, so he remembered and I remembered what we needed to do. I told him that I would not yell at him unless he had told me yes and then he changed his mind. We are aware of what we could do to screw up the loan process. My poor husband will have to go threw the “we don’t need that, don’t buy that” process for a while.

The stress of my husband and perfectionism could drive me crazy, so I have already set up the rules in how we will do it. He understands and knows that I am not a detail person I just want to know how much it could possibly cost. If the a/c is bad obviously we have to think about that in Texas. He will tell me. The funny part about this is the only stuff I care about it is how big the oven is and the yard. I have got to have a big yard. I have been spoiled by our yard. The boys need it and the dogs need it.

I don’t just do the “what if’s” with the big stuff. I do it about everything. I think if I don’t attend something, or am not able to do something for someone other than my family I feel guilt. I do this with friendships all the time. I have caught myself lately doing it with my involvement in our new church. I think what if I don’t do this, or show up for this will they think I am bad “Christian.” I had to stop that, because that is  view not his. I know what God requires of me. He is slowly pushing me into the process of what I can give and do at the church. He needs me to handle some other stuff first, take care of my family and my best friends.

I am no longer that person of doing more than I can. I made that promise to myself, my husband and my kids at the beginning of the year. I am giving myself a break. He made sure to give me situations that were going to force me to rid the stuff I did not need to do my life and show me what I did need to do. It is working out for me. My blessings this year have far outweighed any of the bad. I handle things differently than I did 11 months ago. Christian guilt is a hard thing. I finally said something to my husband about buying a new house. I asked him; do you think we will be able to give as much if we do this? He reminded me we would have almost the same mortgage as we do now. I felt guilty at the thought of not being able to give more financially. I would hate not being able to that. I wasn’t trusting God in this matter. God knows this so he will guide us.

I have begun to accept myself, and who I am. I look at my features and no longer think I am not a pretty woman. I look at my heart and how much it has grown. I think about the gifts he has given me that are all me. Last week I had a dream that my husband told me he wasn’t attracted to me any longer because I look like a mom that has two crazy kids that are a lot of work. God bless my boys because they have such good hearts. It is a great comfort to us that they are being raised to show great love and compassion towards others. We don’t worry too much about our appearance just about what is on the inside.

I was staring at my husband with glaring eyes the next morning, and he asked what was wrong. I am sure he was thinking do I really want to ask her that question, because I might get the wrath of a wife. I told him about the dream and what he told me erased all of that fear. It was a "what if" dream. That’s all  it was. He knows he has got to tell me more that I am still a beautiful woman. Sometimes we have to tell each other what we need to hear. My husband is a pretty laid back, quiet guy and I have to remind him that I need that. Society is so harsh on what women look like. It is funny when I put on make-up, or a little more than I would normally wear because he stares at me. I asked why and he says you look pretty, or he tells me you have too much on and you don’t need that. It is good feeling knowing that he thinks that and it doesn't about the  what if, if I don’t look like those other women.

There are good what ifs in life, because we have to think about the consequence of them long term. The bad what ifs have to get out of our heads because all that is, is fear of the unknown. We know the difference between right and wrong. We know what is good for us and what is bad. Sometimes we have to take a leap faith and do one thing that scares us a day. We might just overcome some of that fear.

"Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck;write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:3-6