A horrible tragedy happened this week that the immediate question was "why God?" I don't know the answer for this tragedy. I don't understand. I assume that He wants those that know about this tragedy to value what they have far more than they do. I have to believe that, that is His purpose because if I didn't I would hate him. It is very easy to become bitter and angry with Him.
We lost a friend last year after a long battle with cancer. He fought the cancer, but his heart just gave out. God took him home.We all asked why? The answer has come this year, because of the legacy that he left. What a legacy he has left for his children to follow.
My husband's aunt is going through her 4th bout of cancer. Why?
A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 38, and you ask why?
Another friend is going through something that is a parent's worst fear, and you ask why?
Unfortunately this list goes on and on. One of the greatest lies that is told about God is that he only gives us what we can handle. I used to believe that in the beginning of my journey, but he corrected me on that lie. He puts us through horrible trials and sufferings; He is calling us to him. I know that is hard to understand, but He wants us to depend on him.
Last year when the scans showed the progression of my MS I feel into the deepest of depressions and it escalated over the year, and it still persists. One of the greatest statements that was made to me was "I can't imagine; so I am not going to even to pretend that I would know. I will just give you love." I am grateful for those words. We will be put in situations that we can't imagine to understand, but we must learn to show empathy, love, compassion, mercy and grace. It is impossible to do those things without God.
One of my greatest gifts of the last year was a moment that I had with my youngest son. At the time I was in horrible pain, and walking from our bedroom to the kitchen was exhausting. My son asked me to come outside to watch the monarch butterflies. I said yes even though I really just wanted to lay down.
As I was sitting there I realized that I did not feel pain, or fatigue. The peace and comfort of spending hours with my son just watching the butterflies was wonderful. God gives us those moments in the midst of our suffering.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
12 Years
12 years ago today I was diagnosed with MS. It was a week away from our wedding. Everything changed. Every dream became a maybe. Every thing that we had talked about for our life became a maybe. I could never have guessed the shit storm that was about to happen for the next year and half of our life. None.
It changed our thoughts about everything. We had no idea what to expect. It was the worst year of our marriage. People were not so kind that first year about helping the way they should have. It was a hard road. However God gave me a choice that year; will you move forward or use this to become a pity party? I could have used it, because I had been trained in manipulation after my parents divorce. I was good about abusing my parent's hearts for their failings. I finally figured out they didn't owe me anything, and I was wrong to do that. It was a massive battle of the wills; him pursuing me and me fighting to not go there. He won.
I have been reflecting about every step where my faith that he would sustain, and move me forward has brought incredible blessings. A marriage, children, friendships, love, grace, joy, and most of all a life to be proud of. Faith that he would sustain me with strength and courage through the worst of my fears. Strength to go into the unknown when when the world would have said you can't.
I have found over the years that blaming a circumstance for not moving forward is pretty sad. I have to wonder who told someone that they had right to play that card for years. I read stories of the corruption, the theft, the greed, the manipulation of not getting what they want because of circumstance is getting old. I see people that enable others, because they feel they have to do that. It is a game of manipulation..
I thank God that I had parents that never once said I had a right for entitlement because of circumstance. They never would have allowed me to use an illness for gain. They we were very clear when I was diagnosed that this was not a reason to stop living. Thank God I had that. I look at people and hear stories that they are entitled to something without doing anything, but just breathing and I wonder why? Why would you sell yourself so short and believe that you couldn't?
There is a trend in this nation, in our communities, our families, or friendships that we are entitled to something for nothing. Why would we want that? Why would we allow our circumstance, trials, sufferings to take over? If we keep running from God, because he tells us the truth of our hearts we miss out on his beautiful grace. Why would we allow our fear of being held accountable to our sinful nature, and miss out on his love? Sooner or later we have to address the problem that people think because they breath and walk around this world they are owed something. We have to learn how to face our truths.
In January we attended one of my cousin's weddings. I got to see another cousin that I have not seen in years. He spoke words of affirmation about me and my journey that still brings tears to my eyes. I made the choice 12 years ago to never allow a circumstance to rule my heart and the blessings from God have been extraordinary. All I have to do is look in the eyes of my 2 beautiful sons and know that it was the right choice.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations
It changed our thoughts about everything. We had no idea what to expect. It was the worst year of our marriage. People were not so kind that first year about helping the way they should have. It was a hard road. However God gave me a choice that year; will you move forward or use this to become a pity party? I could have used it, because I had been trained in manipulation after my parents divorce. I was good about abusing my parent's hearts for their failings. I finally figured out they didn't owe me anything, and I was wrong to do that. It was a massive battle of the wills; him pursuing me and me fighting to not go there. He won.
I have been reflecting about every step where my faith that he would sustain, and move me forward has brought incredible blessings. A marriage, children, friendships, love, grace, joy, and most of all a life to be proud of. Faith that he would sustain me with strength and courage through the worst of my fears. Strength to go into the unknown when when the world would have said you can't.
I have found over the years that blaming a circumstance for not moving forward is pretty sad. I have to wonder who told someone that they had right to play that card for years. I read stories of the corruption, the theft, the greed, the manipulation of not getting what they want because of circumstance is getting old. I see people that enable others, because they feel they have to do that. It is a game of manipulation..
I thank God that I had parents that never once said I had a right for entitlement because of circumstance. They never would have allowed me to use an illness for gain. They we were very clear when I was diagnosed that this was not a reason to stop living. Thank God I had that. I look at people and hear stories that they are entitled to something without doing anything, but just breathing and I wonder why? Why would you sell yourself so short and believe that you couldn't?
There is a trend in this nation, in our communities, our families, or friendships that we are entitled to something for nothing. Why would we want that? Why would we allow our circumstance, trials, sufferings to take over? If we keep running from God, because he tells us the truth of our hearts we miss out on his beautiful grace. Why would we allow our fear of being held accountable to our sinful nature, and miss out on his love? Sooner or later we have to address the problem that people think because they breath and walk around this world they are owed something. We have to learn how to face our truths.
In January we attended one of my cousin's weddings. I got to see another cousin that I have not seen in years. He spoke words of affirmation about me and my journey that still brings tears to my eyes. I made the choice 12 years ago to never allow a circumstance to rule my heart and the blessings from God have been extraordinary. All I have to do is look in the eyes of my 2 beautiful sons and know that it was the right choice.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations
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