Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own, way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This is the verse where we tend to gravitate towards the love part, and forgot the sin part. I need to remember that he is love, and that he bears all things for us - I can't do that. One of our pastors said something Wednesday that is very true; we do not understand the depth of our sin. Satan loves to hit me with my sins. He loves reminding me of how sinful I am. He loves telling me I need to take on burdens of everyone around me so they know that I love them. I am trying to do what Jesus did on the cross - take on all the sins of the ones I love without any regard to how that spiritually and physically will make me sick. I have enough of my own to deal with.
Yesterday, I went in to have a counseling session with one of our pastors and this verse came up. He read the verse and pointed out the sins that I was doing from our discussion. The Holy Spirit is working in us when we don't even realize it. I was studying this verse in the early hours of the morning before I went in. He gave me examples with my actions of how I was doing those sins. Now the hard part begins of training myself out of those habits so God will stop weeping for me. I am hurting the father that saved my heart.
I am not a patient person. I am not always so kind. I insist that I can sacrifice my heart for others, and I do it everyday. I keep saying to God just give it to me; I can handle what your son did on the cross. That is delusional. Satan is nurturing that part of me that God is punishing me for my sins with my MS. When I was diagnosed I believed he was punishing me, and I still do. I realized that for almost 12 years I still believe that, and I have dug myself in hole. I did that to myself not God. I have done it so well that I am begging him to return me to how it was 3 months ago when I was physically and emotionally trying to control it. This time around he is saying; "not this time babe."
On Wednesday I sat in my doctor's office staring at my MRI scans and the visual reality of the MS. I was staring at the little white lesion on my spinal cord that my doctor and I know wasn't there 3 years ago. I am used to seeing the ones on my brain, however I have never had one on my spinal cord. That is the one tearing me apart. We don't know if it popped up last year, the year before, or this year. I was standing outside waiting for my car in a state of shock. At that moment I heard him saying you have no control it is mine. I know he will pound me with his truth and he is doing pretty good job; the good and the bad. I don't always listen and I am stubborn.
During this session he told me what he had said to my husband; your wife loves you so much that she would take on yours sins and hers for your salvation. I think my sweet husband was in shock. I would do it for him, and my sons in heartbeat. I really do not believe that I don't deserve him for marrying me when he knew I was sick. I am in awe that God gave me my boys knowing I was sick. I can't stop myself from putting burdens on my shoulders and heart that God never asked me to do. I have no idea how I am going to get through this without God. I am scared of facing this with him, and letting go of so much.
I know that people that love me have been praying for me to break, and stop. God is so good that during this he not only has shown my sins, but has shown what he delights in. He has shown me how others love me even though I feel I don't deserve it. He has shown me how much he loves me, and he isn't going to let me go. I am not a vain person about appearance. I have no problem with just throwing on clothes and going. I very rarely wear make-up. I don't want to be seen for my appearance. I don't want to become conceited in my looks. I am very messy and that is a reflection of my heart; messy. Years ago a friend said to me "you have no idea what you look like do you?" I asked what are you talking about? She said you are so beautiful, and don't even know it. I have to admit that God did an ok job. I need to remember that he sees the beauty in my heart and the physical beauty that he created. I am not a receiver. I am a taker; I will take and take until I can take no more so I fall.
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