love

34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34

last week my bible study teacher sent out an email with a question; what lies has satan been telling you? those whispers that we hear or thoughts that make us question ourselves, our actions, or our words. those lies that we have told ourselves for years that only pulls us away from him, and makes us lose ourselves to lies. 

when my parent's divorced it was "why weren't we worthy enough to fight for?" then the big lie began - i was not worthy of love. i was not worthy of being cherished. i was not worthy of anything really. when i got married it was "you are sick" so you aren't worthy for this beautiful man (be grateful he married you). 

i even told myself god doesn't love you if you don't show him how grateful you are that he saved you - don't let him down. i finally remembered the thief hanging on the cross next to christ; he loved him and he had done nothing in works. at our last communion one of our pastors said "look at me; god loves you as much you love your sons." i thought that is a ton of love.

sometimes i wish as adults we could learn to love like a child does. they make mistakes, we forgive them, and we usually forget. we make mistakes and our children still love us. we are able to apologize and forgive each other for our shortcomings, and we still love tremendously. 

we love like jesus loves in those moments. we love so much that we are willing to try and never make the mistake again, because we hurt them or they hurt us. we should love unconditionally, and try not to do it again. we should love without thinking we should be gaining something from it.

last week we made the decision to take the mass out of my liver. it will be a complicated surgery, and a portion of my liver will have to come out. we talked about the risks because the mass is so deep in the liver. we run the risk of it becoming cancer the longer we wait. it is compromising my ms. 

when i drove home i was thinking about the "what if." i was thinking about the things that i need to do just in case some thing goes wrong. i was thinking about my husband and my sons. i was thinking about my parents, my brothers, my sister and my friends. i was thinking don't be afraid to tell them how i feel about them. make sure they know to love passionately and fiercely; love like god. love so much they can barely breath.

make sure they know that mistakes don't matter as long as they learn that being loved my god is the most important thing in the world. make sure they know how to forgive and not be bitter, because it could destroy their heart. make sure they know that they may not get another day to share that with someone. make sure they fight for those they love no matter what they 
lose in the process.

my only prayer that morning was "god, i am not ready to leave my boys." i have hope that it will go well, but i would regret not saying those things that need be said. i have come to realize it is a waste not to live and love to the fullest, because of fear.