Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King Jr.
The MS has done it's damage now. My husband, my boys and I will have to accept the new challenges. I have great peace about it, because my husband and I are clinging to each other. My boys get to see that and that is part of the gift. They will understand what marriage is supposed to be. My husband being a man wants to fix it and he can't. We have had to accept what we have always known could be a possibility, because now it is here. That is the ironic part; even though we know the truth it doesn't mean we always accept it.
My sweet mama yesterday asked if I had spoken with my doctor about getting better. I told her "mom, I am getting better but it won't be the same anymore. I won't be what I was 2 months ago, and my doctor can't fix it, she can only get me to where I can live with what it is now." Pray for my mom this will be hard for her. Pray for my daddy he is having to go through the same thing. Part of my strength comes from them. I thank God that they always made their children face the reality of the world.
A friend came over and we were talking about our lives. In the course of the conversation she asked if I was angry with God about this, and I said no. I can't be angry with God for giving me this disease that brought me to him and always brings me closer to him. Sure, I am little annoyed because I don't believe for a moment that our circumstance should ever be used not to do something. I think that individuals that are not willing to change for God and the ones they profess to love are delusional. I don't care how hard it is because all that shows is your lack of faith, and selfishness. This idea that you don't have to change is a joke. Someone has taught you that you just have to sit around, and not do anything. God isn't going to just magically change your heart without any work from you. If you are denying to yourself and others that you don't have to change there seems to be a disconnect about what it means to be a christian.
A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Trying to protect those around me about this disease, sugar coat it, or try to control it is gone. I can't control something I have no control over. We can't do that, and that is denying his authority which is a sin. I have done a very good job of it, and I am tired of doing it. I have given a lot - far more than I needed to. It wasn't my job, and I can't do it anymore. The harshness of it is that if people don't want to deal with it that is their issue not mine.
The beauty and gift of this is that my marriage is healing. My boys get to see the holy spirit work in the individuals that have been helping us, and what it means to love god so much that we are willing to help one another. They will know that God does not heal all illness, that there is real pain and suffering, and there is fear. They will be able to discern real Christians from the fake ones, and be able to call them out on it. They will know that God is greater, has bigger shoulders and we are to glorify him through all of it. I don't even have to tell them, because they get to see God working in our lives everyday. They get to see that he sustains us each day, and that they are not always going to get what they want or feel they deserve out of life.
It is a very real journey for them, and that is what God is about; truth. They will have the ability to sacrifice for God and others without any regard to themselves. They will know that they have to be willing to uphold their wives and children. They will have to give parts of themselves up for their families. That whole feel good preaching that so many do will not apply in their lives, because they will now that it isn't real. They will find out that God does tell them the truth, and they will have to face their trials head on - they have no choice. They won't always do what is right, but hey they will know that God will help them get through it.
I am so grateful for this attack. I am so grateful to him for what he has given us. We have not for a moment not felt his love and mercy. We have gotten to see the holy spirit working constantly around us, and it is beautiful. I am so very blessed that he gave me this, because I needed it. I have learned just how cherished and loved I am by him, and others. I have learned that he can strip everything away in a moment, and force you to see what it is right of you; the good and the bad. He asked if I was willing, and I am willing. If you pray for that I hope you have strong enough faith to face everything that it is your heart, because you are going to need it.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
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