Mercy is my new prayer. I have been asking for prayers of mercy for myself and my family. I have been praying for us to have merciful hearts towards one another during this time. I have been praying for us to show and give mercy just as God does for us. Through all of this it has been about giving myself mercy and others. It has been realizing that we are connected as one and we need to give each other a break. We need to learn how to be merciful and we are not a merciful people.
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
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