As moms we tend to worry about what we aren't doing for our children, or how we have messed up in some way. We never take a moment to look at at the good things that we have taught them, or give them. I have learned a lot about my sons since January, and I have witnessed the good things that I have taught them.
From a very early age I have taught my sons that you value a person by their heart not their appearance. Actually, that is the one thing they know for sure that will bring the wrath out from their mother. They have witnessed that, and they also know their mom will defend their hearts over someones opinion of what they look like. They have to have strong hearts and minds to face this world. They have to know the truth of the world and people. They have to understand people make mistakes, but you stand by them anyway. That makes them a strong man, not a coward.
I have taught them the verse "we reap what we sow," and the amazing part is that I am receiving their kindness and love everyday because of that. They love me with all of my faults. They remind me when I forget to do something, laugh, and say it is OK mom. They remind me that I am not supposed to cuss like a sailor, or yell at talk radio. They remind me that calling someone an idiot is not nice. They remind me when I shouldn't be doing something that I am doing it, because I told them that it was wrong.
It is a blessing from God that I get to witness their beautiful hearts, and know that I played a role in that. I have been worried about my boys the most, and how they are handling this journey their mom is facing. A friend reminded me that God loves them more and can care for them far greater than I ever could. I can breathe, and give myself a break. I can trust that He has them, and what God is allowing in their mother's life will make them strong men.
They have been teaching me to just live for the day. They have been teaching me that is OK to cry. They have been teaching me to pick myself when all I really want to do is lay there. They have reminded me to give hugs and kisses just because someone needs that. They have reminded me to laugh. They have reminded to love more. They have reminded me to value what it is right in front of me. They have reminded me that their mom is beautiful.
Look at your kids and think of all the good things they do, and remember you had a part in that ladies. Remember that they laugh because you laugh. They love because you love. They hug because you hug. They kiss because you kiss. They dance because you dance. They are kind because you are kind. They say they are sorry, because you say you are sorry. Remember you are raising children that will be cherished by others, because you trained them to be incredible people. Look at them and remind yourself they are living just for day, so give yourself a break.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her children rise up and call her blessed; Proverbs 31:27-28
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Sunday, May 12, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Loving Yourself
I finally broke down yesterday about everything that has been going on. I spoke with one of our pastors and it was an eye-opening experience for me. He said you are great at loving god and your neighbor, but what about yourself. I am not good at that at all, and I am not good at accepting that from others. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life.
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
Monday, May 6, 2013
Facing What Is In Our Hearts
Yesterday the sermon at our church was a powerful reminder of hope and courage. As a nation we live in the now, and forget as Christians that this is in God's plan. He knew of these things long before we did, but he gave us hope for the future that these things would pass if we believed in the promise of a new world. We are to wait for the bigger picture to be revealed. The outcome is always better than the trial.
As Christians we should know that these horrors of the world all go back to chapter 6 of Genesis; the fall. God placed the world in bondage for our sins. We would always know about evil, pain and suffering, because of a piece of fruit. God allows sin, because Adam and Eve chose to disobey. We can blame everyone else around us for our suffering, but fail to see that we are sinners just as much them. We choose to run just like Jonah did, but God caught Jonah
While I was in the hospital last week I was waiting to undergo an endoscopy. In the next room a man was so angry. He was angry that he had to suffer, to wait, to endure an illness. He kept yelling at the nurse that was trying to find out why he was sick. He was belittling her with insults and rage. He was angry that she had to care for others and not just him. His focus was just on himself and not that there were those around him that were also suffering. I felt such sadness for his heart. I felt sadness for the nurse that was trying to help.
Our selfishness is showing more and more, and we are angry that we don't get what we want. This man was ill, but if you look around even the smallest of problems creates this type of anger. We believe as Christians that we no longer have sin. We become prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous. We forget as Christians that we still have a sinful nature and are capable of committing the smallest of sins daily. We have not that God is waiting for us to learn humility. We resent the fact that people won't act and do the things we think they should do.
A few years ago a Christian told me that we should not share our private lives after reading a posting on this blog. That is not biblical. We should share and connect as believers so we can hold each other up through our trials. We should share so another can tell us what we are doing wrong, and to seek the father. A true sign of believer is someone that can humbly admit that they played a role in the problem. They can accept the rebuke or correction from a fellow believer, and try to overcome that failing. It takes great courage and strength to admit that we may be wrong.
As I grow in my relationship with God I realize that I respect individuals more for having the courage to face their trials and sufferings head on. I find I respect individuals that admit they fail far more than the ones that pretend they do nothing wrong. I find the ones than can admit they are wrong to be far stronger individuals. They have faith and believe that the father will help them and put others in their lives to give them strength. I find ones that understand their sinful nature and sins to be far greater followers of Christ.
If we choose to ignore our realities this is our choice, and we are to blame. If we choose our wants over those we love we are selfish. If we choose our busyness over friends he questions your faith. If we choose to believe that we never have to give up our desires, our wants for another we have missed why Christ came. If we choose to live with bitterness and resentment we do not understand grace, mercy or forgiveness. We make the choice to live our lives only thinking about ourselves, and resent those we profess love that ask to change. We should not be shocked when they very people love have no desire to change for us. We should not be shocked at all that they don't trust us. We choose to make someone feel guilty, and use love against them to gain what want without thought to what we are doing to them.
I have been given the gift illness to make me stronger in him. I don't see it as punishment I see it as a blessing to learn more about what is in my heart that makes him weep. The gifts through this have been far greater than I could have ever imagined. My marriage is healing, and my heart is softening. I love more and cherish more. I am finding out that I am loved and cherished for who I am. I am witnessing the Holy Spirit everyday through others. I am seeing the miracles that God grants when we begin to trust him and others more. Those are blessings and gifts that I am grateful for. When we learn to lose ourselves in him we begin to see what we have been missing, or ignoring.
As Christians we should know that these horrors of the world all go back to chapter 6 of Genesis; the fall. God placed the world in bondage for our sins. We would always know about evil, pain and suffering, because of a piece of fruit. God allows sin, because Adam and Eve chose to disobey. We can blame everyone else around us for our suffering, but fail to see that we are sinners just as much them. We choose to run just like Jonah did, but God caught Jonah
While I was in the hospital last week I was waiting to undergo an endoscopy. In the next room a man was so angry. He was angry that he had to suffer, to wait, to endure an illness. He kept yelling at the nurse that was trying to find out why he was sick. He was belittling her with insults and rage. He was angry that she had to care for others and not just him. His focus was just on himself and not that there were those around him that were also suffering. I felt such sadness for his heart. I felt sadness for the nurse that was trying to help.
Our selfishness is showing more and more, and we are angry that we don't get what we want. This man was ill, but if you look around even the smallest of problems creates this type of anger. We believe as Christians that we no longer have sin. We become prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous. We forget as Christians that we still have a sinful nature and are capable of committing the smallest of sins daily. We have not that God is waiting for us to learn humility. We resent the fact that people won't act and do the things we think they should do.
A few years ago a Christian told me that we should not share our private lives after reading a posting on this blog. That is not biblical. We should share and connect as believers so we can hold each other up through our trials. We should share so another can tell us what we are doing wrong, and to seek the father. A true sign of believer is someone that can humbly admit that they played a role in the problem. They can accept the rebuke or correction from a fellow believer, and try to overcome that failing. It takes great courage and strength to admit that we may be wrong.
As I grow in my relationship with God I realize that I respect individuals more for having the courage to face their trials and sufferings head on. I find I respect individuals that admit they fail far more than the ones that pretend they do nothing wrong. I find the ones than can admit they are wrong to be far stronger individuals. They have faith and believe that the father will help them and put others in their lives to give them strength. I find ones that understand their sinful nature and sins to be far greater followers of Christ.
If we choose to ignore our realities this is our choice, and we are to blame. If we choose our wants over those we love we are selfish. If we choose our busyness over friends he questions your faith. If we choose to believe that we never have to give up our desires, our wants for another we have missed why Christ came. If we choose to live with bitterness and resentment we do not understand grace, mercy or forgiveness. We make the choice to live our lives only thinking about ourselves, and resent those we profess love that ask to change. We should not be shocked when they very people love have no desire to change for us. We should not be shocked at all that they don't trust us. We choose to make someone feel guilty, and use love against them to gain what want without thought to what we are doing to them.
I have been given the gift illness to make me stronger in him. I don't see it as punishment I see it as a blessing to learn more about what is in my heart that makes him weep. The gifts through this have been far greater than I could have ever imagined. My marriage is healing, and my heart is softening. I love more and cherish more. I am finding out that I am loved and cherished for who I am. I am witnessing the Holy Spirit everyday through others. I am seeing the miracles that God grants when we begin to trust him and others more. Those are blessings and gifts that I am grateful for. When we learn to lose ourselves in him we begin to see what we have been missing, or ignoring.
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