recovery

during the last week of treatment i tend to go through a phase where i really dislike having ms, and i am sad and angry about it. i always think of the "what if" scenario. generally, i try to stay pretty positive about it and bury it at the end of the list. actually, what i do is try to forget i have it and don't embrace it. recently, my mother told one of my relatives that i try to do "normal" things and not think about it. that struck me, not in a bad way, just a "wait a minute" kinda way, and i began thinking why do i do that?

i get pretty down about it. my body is still trying to recover from it and i am trying to get back to some sense of normalcy. sunday and monday were good and bad days emotionally. while sitting in church at the end of service i broke down crying. it wasn't really a sense of fear, or anger it was more a sense of realizing that i was letting go of the overwhelming burden of this disease once again. there are some days where it is just too much to be strong, or gracious about it. you get tired of it always being at the back of your mind and trying to overcome the obstacles with it.

during these times it is by far some of the best reflection i have with GOD. it's the rawness of it. nothing is held back. that is exactly what HE wants from us; to expose ourselves to HIM. this is the time that i feel HIM most in my life and when i let HIM in the most. GOD is so glorious that HE knows when you need HIM the most. this last attack has put a different understanding on my heart about what HE wants from me and to be quite honest it has been a relief to my mind. i didn't realize just how tired i was.

yesterday afternoon my children and i were reading a version of the nativity story from the viewpoint of the animals. every page of the book the animals were saying "someone is coming" and my children kept yelling "JESUS." i kept thinking about how awesome that truly is and that we were given such a precious gift. the biggest gift he has given me in the last month is that i have had to realize that it is not what i need to give, it's what i can only give.

i have been thinking a lot about my grandmother over the last few days and what i could learn from her life. my grandma got it. she did what she could do and did not make apologies for what she couldn't do. she really did live by HIS rules, not society's. GOD always is teaching you something and i love that about HIM. what a great blessing i have to have HIM in my life to go to.

it's taken me since may to really accept my last mri results and realize that now it's time that i move into another stage of my life. with 2011 approaching it's not gonna be about what i think i need to do, it's gonna be about what i can do from now on. it's gonna be ok if i say "i can't do that." what a heavy burden lifted from myself - THANK YOU GOD!

"i applied my heart to know, to search and seek out wisdom and the reason for things." eccelesiastes 7:25