the sermon yesterday was pretty powerful regarding GOD's forgiveness and our past. all of us have something that we cannot forgive ourselves for. our pastor said "it is what is" - we can't change it, and GOD asks us to seek his forgiveness and move forward. the cross is big enough for all of us, not just a few.
the nature of mankind is to hold on to something from the past that doesn't even matter anymore. we search for ways to change the outcome, or the words that were said. we try to figure out a way for GOD not to see our mistake. GOD knows what we've done, but HE wants us to say it, confess it and seek our forgiveness from HIM.
the saying i will forgive, but will not forget really has started to not make sense to me. that saying isn't even true when you think about it. we still remember the action, so how could we forgive. we make promises that we can't keep and we continue to seek forgiveness for the same mistake. in the end it's not going to matter what the actual sin is, but what our capacity is to forgive and love. HE will judge us on how much we loved.
when i first started the journey i felt such horrible guilt and remorse for the things that i had done in the past. the lack of self-respect and love for myself showed in all my actions. i put myself in situations that were not worthy of GOD. i failed miserably. it took years for me to move past that; years.
i've recently been able to forgive myself for having MS. in the beginning i hated that i had this and my husband has this burden. i was willing to give up myself in the process. MS is out of my control and my husband's. this is the trial we have been given and it is how we handle that is going to matter; what we can do to overcome the odds of it. i've just now been able to accept the fact that my kids love me whether we rest for the day, or we do something to help them grow and have fun.
my husband is an incredible man. i'm very lucky to have him in my life. my parents said something to me this past november that finally shook me out of my guilt. they both said "yes, he is good man and you are lucky to have him, but did you forget that he is lucky to have you. you are just as good as him don't ever forget that. don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for being the woman he married and who you are. you are just as worthy as him." i had to remember that he married me because of me, not because he is good man that married a sick woman.
we should not be asking the question to GOD "why is this happening to me, but what do i need to learn from this?" what aren't we letting go of that is driving us. whether you think that you right, or wrong is it driving you, controlling you, or just making you forget to love great?
"for this reason i say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." luke 7:47
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