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for a couple of years now god has been trying to get me to relent and share this disease. he has been trying for a long time to get me to explain it to others. this just goes along with the pride in my heart and that is all it is. that's it. it is hard for people to deal with individuals realities, and i don't like sharing that with others. it pains my heart when others are suffering, and this just adds to it if they ask. we all have sufferings in our life that we need to share, because he wants us to lean on each other. we are disobeying him when we don't do that. we are not meant to keep our sufferings private and that is not being a "humble" chrisitan. we should never feel shame for needing another in our lives.

i have a very dear friend that sent me an email last week that said "remember, i am the angel on your shoulder telling you no." she does it in a very sweet, loving way too i might add. it is a wonderful feeling to be loved by others, and i hope that i have been a good enough friend that i deserve that. i need to accept that care and love from others when most of the time i don't feel very deserving of that.

my last posting was about being selfish with a disease that i have no control over, and that of course is the lesson from christ. his authority is what controls my life not me. the really hard things in life that we don't want to deal with about ourselves is usually what controls us the most. he asking us to give him those things. i can't keep taking his control from him and not expect consequences.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

i understand that it is hard to trust him, and we believe he breaks promises because we don't get we want always from life. god doesn't break promises we do. one of the most beautiful promises in the entire bible is the rainbow. he wiped humanity from the earth, and promised noah with the rainbow that he wouldn't do it again. he hasn't done it. he does things for our own good, and he doesn't want us to fail. he tells us no for our own good, and that is ok to accept.

the only way to fully describe what my body is doing right now is the following. my left leg feels as though i tied a brick to it and i am trying to walk with it. my body is in so much pain the thought of being touched makes me flinch. the fatigue is the worst flu you have ever had, and it is not relenting. the burning that is in my body feels like it does when you get in a hot shower with cold feet - you know the burn right? it is 10 times worse.

i have new friends that have asked what will happen with this attack. here is the course of events for the next month. i will start iv treatment that takes any where from 3 to 4 hours. my body can not tolerate sometimes the speed of how fast the flow goes, and that is just from years of doing it. she will give me drugs for the harsh side effects. after we are done with the iv i will have to take meds to tamper down from the high dosages of the iv. it is a steroid that is basically in it's purest form. i will receive anti-nausea drugs, because my stomach is destroyed from all the years of it. i will have to take tons of calcium because it is destroying my bones. pain meds will be given because my body will start to wake up and the pain will be unbearable until we get it under control.

i don't talk to a lot of people, but i am incredibly grateful for your love. i am incredibly grateful for you taking time out of your lives to help me and my family. i am just trying right now to give my boys just the normal stuff until next week, so you may see me around. those boys are my gift from our father, and he gives me the strength for those moments. i am very grateful for that.

hold each other up. cling to each other if you have to. this makes his heart happy and glorifies him...