Wednesday morning with a lot of grace, love, and encouragement my ms doc let me walk out of her office giving me a chance to come to terms with a new chapter in our journey. I walked out knowing that I had just failed one of her big tests. I walked out knowing already what the MS was doing, because I have been there before. I walked out already trying too bury it, and ignore it. I walked out saying you can't be selfish, Jessica, because people will think you are using your MS. I walked out saying you can't be weak, that is not you, and it is not acceptable.
I walked out already saying the things I normally say to pump myself up. I will overcome this attack, I will not let those that love me worry, I will not allow my children's life to be disrupted, and most of all I will not let my husband help carry this burden. I won't let him do it because people will think I am being selfish when he is going through too much right now. Can you see the conversation - it is me telling God I can do it without him. I am telling him "I got this covered God so don't worry I will overcome it." I can hear him saying with love and a little chuckle; I have the authority not you.
"And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me." Matthew 28:18
My doctor actually said the words to me "you need to be selfish right now." She kept saying it, and I told her "no, I can't do that, you know that." I told her 'people will think I am selfish, and I know which ones will." She laughed and said "send them to me, because I know who you really are." Knowing her should would pull out the MRI scans, and say how selfish is she? I kept saying please don't make me do this because then I will have to admit that I need help. I don't want people to see that I am weak. I don't want them to see how dependent I am on my husband. Please don't make me do this to him right now. Please don't let my children see that their mom needs help, because they need me. Please don't let those people that have said I am selfish already say "see, I was right about her." Most of all let me pick who sees me when I am ill.
God and I are playing chess with each other. He is taking his pieces, and I am trying to figure out how to get those pieces back to win. I keep praying for him to remove the sins from my heart so I can truly glorify him, and he is patiently taking them. I am screaming "no don't do that yet, because that is my protection so people won't see that I am weak." He is testing my true faith in him to take care of it. The question is will I let him? The next question is can I take it if someone that professes love of Christ will ignore my sufferings? Can I handle that maybe I allowed too much pride to get in the way.
He is saying do you really trust me? He keeps saying you have too much pride and too much strength. He keeps saying I gave you this gift stop ignoring it, and stop telling others to. Stop pretending that you have control when I have the control. Stop thinking you will control it without me, and the people I have given you to help. I am fighting like a crazy woman with my ms. I am telling God not to do this and he is saying no you prayed for me to strip you, and that is what I will do. It is time to give up the control, and you have to trust the ones I send to you to help care for you. He is saying let them see your heart that I gave you without fear. He is saying I gave them to you for that reason so you don't have to do this on your own. He is saying stop feeling guilt for your gift.
Can I do that is the question, and I don't know. Can I relent? Can I let that happen? My husband is asking me to, and my poor parents are asking me to. But can I? I don't know if I have the strength to allow that. Do I doubt so much in other's faith that I won't let them truly see suffering and pain? The answer is with some yes I do and with others no. We are to be one body in Christ, but I don't know if we have the strength to allow that to happen. "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?" James 4:1
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:1-11
No comments:
Post a Comment