I am huge “what if” person. It drives my husband crazy, and it drives me crazy. I had to figure out a way to stop doing that all the time. A verse in proverbs says “trust in the lord” and this was not coming into my mind on a daily basis. This is my favorite verse in the bible, and I have failed to keep that command far too many times in my life out of fear. Some things in life we have no control over, and the stuff we know we can change we just have to try to do it. What is amazing is when I stopped doing that all the time and accepted things for what it was I stopped getting sick.
We are in the process of getting ready to sell our house and move. This was not even on the radar. We had not been praying about this, or even talking about it. We both are content with our life, and our home. For me the ultimate goal would be a home that my mom can share with us. We know she is alone and doesn’t have a huge amount of resources. My brother and I will have to decide about her long term care. We know how we can handle the situation, and my husband is ok with that. That was the biggest issue for me regarding him. I wanted him to feel comfortable with the idea of his mother in law living with him. I didn’t want him to resent me in the long run. Plus, this is his home and he is the head this home. I know think that, but he really is. Believe me I know how far I can push it.
The good thing about this is she will have separate quarters and she won’t be in the actual house with us. I love my mom, but I have not lived with her since I was 13 when I moved to Texas. It is amazing how life comes full circle. I would not be able to function physically without my mom being here. She is our “nanny.” We are very close and she is a huge support system to me. I am commanded by god to honor my parents and care for them later in life. I really have no choice about this. God knew that I worried about this and he gave me plenty of time to sort out the details on how I was to handle it. He knows I am not very good with change. He sure has been pushing me out of my comfort zones lately. The bad part is I still fear the outcome. He doesn’t want me to do that. He will drive me crazy until I get it.
I am nervous about this process. Our realtor was here yesterday to bring our contract over. I have really been nervous about putting that “for sale” sign in the yard. She asked me why we don’t just do it now. The house is ready to go. She is right, but I need at least another week. The fear of this could overwhelm me if I am not careful. The financial part is what scares me the most. I made sure the mortgage guy at USAA was recording our conversation, so he remembered and I remembered what we needed to do. I told him that I would not yell at him unless he had told me yes and then he changed his mind. We are aware of what we could do to screw up the loan process. My poor husband will have to go threw the “we don’t need that, don’t buy that” process for a while.
The stress of my husband and perfectionism could drive me crazy, so I have already set up the rules in how we will do it. He understands and knows that I am not a detail person I just want to know how much it could possibly cost. If the a/c is bad obviously we have to think about that in Texas. He will tell me. The funny part about this is the only stuff I care about it is how big the oven is and the yard. I have got to have a big yard. I have been spoiled by our yard. The boys need it and the dogs need it.
I don’t just do the “what if’s” with the big stuff. I do it about everything. I think if I don’t attend something, or am not able to do something for someone other than my family I feel guilt. I do this with friendships all the time. I have caught myself lately doing it with my involvement in our new church. I think what if I don’t do this, or show up for this will they think I am bad “Christian.” I had to stop that, because that is view not his. I know what God requires of me. He is slowly pushing me into the process of what I can give and do at the church. He needs me to handle some other stuff first, take care of my family and my best friends.
I am no longer that person of doing more than I can. I made that promise to myself, my husband and my kids at the beginning of the year. I am giving myself a break. He made sure to give me situations that were going to force me to rid the stuff I did not need to do my life and show me what I did need to do. It is working out for me. My blessings this year have far outweighed any of the bad. I handle things differently than I did 11 months ago. Christian guilt is a hard thing. I finally said something to my husband about buying a new house. I asked him; do you think we will be able to give as much if we do this? He reminded me we would have almost the same mortgage as we do now. I felt guilty at the thought of not being able to give more financially. I would hate not being able to that. I wasn’t trusting God in this matter. God knows this so he will guide us.
I have begun to accept myself, and who I am. I look at my features and no longer think I am not a pretty woman. I look at my heart and how much it has grown. I think about the gifts he has given me that are all me. Last week I had a dream that my husband told me he wasn’t attracted to me any longer because I look like a mom that has two crazy kids that are a lot of work. God bless my boys because they have such good hearts. It is a great comfort to us that they are being raised to show great love and compassion towards others. We don’t worry too much about our appearance just about what is on the inside.
I was staring at my husband with glaring eyes the next morning, and he asked what was wrong. I am sure he was thinking do I really want to ask her that question, because I might get the wrath of a wife. I told him about the dream and what he told me erased all of that fear. It was a "what if" dream. That’s all it was. He knows he has got to tell me more that I am still a beautiful woman. Sometimes we have to tell each other what we need to hear. My husband is a pretty laid back, quiet guy and I have to remind him that I need that. Society is so harsh on what women look like. It is funny when I put on make-up, or a little more than I would normally wear because he stares at me. I asked why and he says you look pretty, or he tells me you have too much on and you don’t need that. It is good feeling knowing that he thinks that and it doesn't about the what if, if I don’t look like those other women.
There are good what ifs in life, because we have to think about the consequence of them long term. The bad what ifs have to get out of our heads because all that is, is fear of the unknown. We know the difference between right and wrong. We know what is good for us and what is bad. Sometimes we have to take a leap faith and do one thing that scares us a day. We might just overcome some of that fear.
"Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck;write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:3-6
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