The moment the doctor told me on the phone that I had MS my life changed and not in a good way. I have been thinking about this disease a lot, and the stresses in life that make me sick because I haven‘t been sick for a year. When I walked down the aisle and saw my husband I couldn’t bear the fact that he was going to have to deal with the fear and pain of me getting sicker over time. I thought how one man can love a woman that much or I should say “me.” I have done a lot of damage to myself because of this, more than I realized. I just realized this and confessed that to my husband on Monday. 10 years of marriage and I am just now realizing how bad it was. The good part about this is he protects me from the very stresses that make me sick. He is not afraid to tell me any longer out of fear that he will hurt me. He loves me too much not do that. He needs me above all others no matter what, so no one else or anything else with interfere with that. I will give him that no matter whom it hurts, and he does the same thing for me. That is marriage.
I hate illness. I hate that I have ignored my guilt and anger of this disease for 10 years. I hate going into to see my doctor and she is reminding me that I have to give myself a shot everyday, or medicine so I have enough energy to take care of my husband and children. I hate that I can't feel my face, or my feet. I hate having pain everyday, all day long. I hate that there are days where I am so tired that I can barely lift my arms to make food for my children. I hate that it is destroying my brain literally. He gave me a break this year when I begged him to stop. He gave me a year of breaking me over and over again. I hate pride and control.
We should have very few people in my opinion that we share our secrets with, trials with and temptations. Not everyone should do this. I realize that more and more. I have been thinking about this blog. People have told me and my husband that I shouldn’t write it. God bless my husband for defending me every time. The bigger picture of this blog is it offends me because it is what is inside me. It is what is inside all of us. That is why I write it. That is why one morning he said write and I listened. I have been purging myself for over a year now and sharing that with others. I have abused myself and my heart. I have slammed people for forgetting what he is trying to tell us. I have offended, I have judged, I have lashed out, I have cried, I have begged, I have been brought to my knees, because of my sins.
Last year someone quoted 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to me. I was so pissed and angry about that and I just now understand why. It was used to try and make me feel guilty about a situation that I was very angry about and I was justified in that anger. It wasn't intentional though at all. The problem was I failed miserably in the situation. My issue and my fault. He has plagued me with this for a year.
Now it is a blessing because it forced me to turn inward on myself, and save my marriage. It forced my husband to do the same. It has not been easy to do this with each other. I stepped back and stopped the pretense of being a Christian, and what society thinks a Christian should be. Christians should be messy. They should be willing to show humility in all of their actions. They should be willing to admit and confess their failures. They should be willing to see how their acts affect others; good and bad. There is such a thing as justified anger. I have a terrible temper and I am very harsh with it. I have had to take a hard look at it this year. My anger blinded what the truth was and why it upset me so much.
My question is to Christians that say they are, are you really? I had a pretense of what it meant to be one. I don’t think I have really been his until this last year. I have been learning about him, but not doing what he wanted me to do. I went to church, did acts of giving, talked about God, but never gave him control. My motive wasn’t always about what God was leading me to do it was about what people thought I should do. Christians like to say you should have quiet time with God. We should, but do our acts actually reflect what he tells us in scripture to do. Do we realize what the true motive is behind the act? We can say well I give love, but what is the motive behind the love? The idea that God is not going to tell you the truth about your actions and misinterpretation of his words is dangerous in my opinion. We are lying to ourselves. I have been lying to myself for years.
I have become more compassionate, but less tolerate of the abuse of God and scripture. Bastrop fire donations was the defining moment for me regarding my faith him. I was attacked so brutally through scripture while we were taking donations to people that had lost everything. I was accused of all sorts of things that I did towards these individuals. They didn’t like that I talked about God and politics. Really? That is not my issue if we like to live in some sort of dream world about ourselves. It just shows what is really in their heart. I didn’t say anything, and just walked away. Not my problem and it is not my issue it is their issue. I never would have done that a year ago. So what if scripture offends us, it should offend us. There is not one person on this earth that is perfect. See that is the thing about people that say they love god, because they will persecute in his name when they don’t even know what they are talking about.
Now, I need to start loving myself and praise him for the gifts he has given me in my heart more. I am so stubborn in my control and pride that he apparently has to do major acts and trials to get me to see. I am getting a little tired of it. I need to focus on the good and realize he has a plan that I just don't know about yet. I need to accept the bad and take care of it through him. I need to listen more, think more, discern more and ask more questions. I have decided to stop saying what do I need to do for others. I am going to say instead, ok what else do I need to give up and do so my heart becomes selfless. It actually scares me, because I don’t know if I have the strength for it. He will hold me up, because he hasn’t failed me. That’s what I get for praying that he should break me. It is ok, because I love him more. He is always with me now and I can’t ignore him any longer.
God is trying to tell us in this country that we have failed him. We may not think we have because we have good lives and we have done what we are supposed to do. I hate tell you this every great nation thought the same thing that he crushed with his wrath. He is very angry. It is amazing to me that he is still giving us chances. Start praying for our souls and others. Start praying that Israel accepts Christ. Start praying that our president does not turn his back on them, because the whole world is turning against them. He is a very destructive man in what is doing to this country. It is already happening right before our eyes. God does not care what political party we are in. I don’t believe so many that label themselves, as republican, conservative, liberal or democrat are true Christians. If they were they would have stood up loud and clear with the truth no matter whom they lost in the process. Our fear of telling the truth is going to destroy us. I love our country, but I love God and my family more.
If it takes you away from your spouse, or your children it doesn't need to be there.
"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." 1 Corithians 10:12
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