My Mom and I

The first biggest fear for me buying a new house is my boys and the adjustment. The second biggest fear is money. I failed right there and I continue to fail every time I don’t trust in him. Fear, worry, and anxiety are terrible. I have to remember that in the long run this will be good for my boys, and I will be caring for my mom. She doesn't need it yet, but I have a responsibility to her as her daughter. The funny part is it took me a long time to be ok about living with her. I haven't lived with her since I was 13 years old.

If you had asked me 10 years, or even 5 years ago if I would move in with my mom I would have said no way is that going to happen. We have come full circle. Being the daughter of a social worker is not easy. When we are children we are selfish. We don’t understand the bigger picture that there are people out there that need help. We just want our mom. It is taken me years to overcome my parents divorce. They made mistakes because they are human. Now that I am married I can understand why people divorce and the damage they can cause to each other. In the end it would not have been have choice for me not to deal with it, because I adore and cherish them.

My husband said something to me one day, and it all made sense to me right then regarding my relationship with my mom. When it comes to our children their needs come first. For years I had felt that my mom chose the needs of others above my brother and I. When my parents divorced my mom went back to work because she had to. She made the decision not to take alimony from dad. She didn’t feel that was right, but with that choice she would have to be away from us. My dad had a lot of financial responsibility, so he decided to move to Texas to take a higher paying position. That was his choice. I resented him for moving to Texas.

I am going to tell you though I thank God they made these choices because I would not be the person I am today if was not for my parents. I would not have the strength to live my life the way I do. Both are “tell like it is” individuals. They did not sugar coat life for either one of us. They allowed us to make mistakes. There is no way they did not know what the consequence would be if we did something. I would get myself in trouble and well they would say “sorry you made that decision that is being an adult.” When I got married they said marriage is hard and a lot of work. This is your decision and we’ve raised you. When I had my first child they said; we will help when you need it but we are not babysitters, and remember you wanted a child.

When I was 13 I made the decision to move in with my dad. I left my mom and my brother. The guilt is still there. I adore my brother and I am very proud of the man that he has become. I was not a kind child. Very angry and depressed. I was angry with my mom and my dad. I needed them both very much. The twist on this is when I moved to Texas I rebelled big time against my dad’s authority. Plus, I was a teenage girl that thought she knew everything. Silly, silly teenagers listen to your parents because you don’t know anything yet.

The greatest blessing God ever gave me is my MS. Yes, he gave me my husband and my children but my MS is the greatest gift he has ever given me. I had ignored him for so long, and had so much pain in my heart that he forced me to deal with it. While dealing with the diagnosis in therapy all the other stuff came out. I felt abandoned and unloved my mother, because she had given so much to other children that really needed it. I needed my mom too. I think about that now and I can’t imagine the emotional toll it took on my mom to do her job. I don’t know how she had anything left by the end of the day knowing what she knew parents were capable of doing to their children.

Almost 8 years ago my mother retired early and moved to Chicago to take care of my uncle. During that time my husband and I decided that we wanted a child. I knew that physically this was going to take a lot work. I was going to need help with the baby when I needed to rest. I asked my mom to move to Texas to help me. To be honest I thought she would say no. I thought she has taken care of my uncle and she wants to get back to her friends and her life. When she said yes my heart began to heal. I couldn’t believe that she had chosen me. I needed that. She gave up her life to be with me. I am so grateful for that.

God gave us both that gift. We had to forgive each other for what we had done to each other. Our relationship is really good now. I envy my sons relationship with her. They get to have that part of her that I really never had. I get to have it now, and it feels wonderful to have my mom. We don’t agree politically, but we do on how we give in most things. I got that from her. I just need her to be here with us. I want her to have this life with us, and know that we will take care of her if she needs it.

My parents are proud of their children and I think they know they did something right. It is amazing how God works in your life when you let him. When I told them I was sick I think it began to change for them. They both reacted in different ways. I was a month a way from getting married, and that was a concern for both of them. They knew this was going to be hard on me and my husband. My dad asked him flat out if he was still going to marry me. I have a good husband. My parents respect him a great deal, because not many men could handle that with such grace.

They both have only gotten mad at him once over the years. To be honest I am surprised neither one of them got involved in the situation. My parents don’t do that. I have never seen them that mad before because they felt he was not protecting my heart and I got very sick. I have also never seen them come together again as my parents protecting their daughter. They actually discussed it at an MS dinner where I was speaking.

They have always stayed out of our choices on how we are living now that we are adults. Well, I should say they give me looks when I can tell they don’t agree with something. I can count on one hand how many times they have said something to me. It is not always in my favor. They do not pretend their daughter is perfect when I have asked for advice (which is very rare). Thank God because it keeps me in check.

They are enjoying their life now with my children. They are proud of my boys’ hearts, and the mom I am to them. That is great feeling. When I talk about my parents I really need to include my step mom because she had to deal with a lot when I was living in her home. I have apologized to her for my actions. My boys adore her, and my step mom is an incredible woman, wife, and mother. She is just as protective of my brother and me as my parents are. I never realized that until the end of last of year. I am honoring my parents by being the adult that they raised to be.

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12