Saturday I was checking out at the grocery store and when she rang up all the wine and the beer she proceeded to ask if I was getting ready for thanksgiving with my family. I said no this is actually for the family birthday party. I love my family, but it is a lot of work for all of us to be in the same room together. The amazing part is I get to witness my parents talk to each other now without looking like they are going to kill each other. They even laugh together. It is the craziest thing, and I thought that would never happen. They stopped doing last year after I got so sick. They just couldn’t handle my pain and not being a team for me. They hadn’t even done anything to cause that pain.
If you have never read the book the five love languages by Gary Chapman you should. It is an awesome book of how we love, or the damage we can do through our love of another. God is love, so he is all of the love languages. We are not love. We are sinners. God is trying to train us in how we love each other. How we love is not how the other person does, and we forget that. The book is meant for marriage, but I think we can use it for all relationships. I have started watching our children to see what they respond to the best, because God has given them to us to train them. They both love differently and they need love from us differently.
My husband and I love differently. We both need words of affirmation and quality time, but he needs it more than I do. I am not good with either one of them. The way I love is by action. If I ask him to do something and he gets it done right away that shows me that he loves me. When he doesn’t do that it has the reverse affect. It’s not that he doesn’t love me it’s just he doesn’t always realize that is how I see it and what I need from him. If an act is committed that upsets me I see it as an act against my heart. I get angry because it wounds my heart. This is something we both have to work on all the time, because life gets in the way.
When we got married he had a hard time realizing that I needed to by myself a lot. My family is that way. We do not have to spend hours together. Our family dinners don’t last long. We eat and are maybe together a couple of hours more. Each one of us would rather be reading a book, watching a movie, or taking a nap. We don’t see anything wrong with it because we understand that is all we need from each other. My husband is amazed by it, because his family is not that way at all. His family can spend every minute together and are very good about giving words of affirmation. Guess what there is nothing wrong with either way, because God loves us the same but we love each other differently. That is why it is so important to understand how another loves. I am not saying this gets us out of stuff, but it pushes us to change what is uncomfortable for us.
When we argue we are fighting about how we love each other. That’s it. I need him to do acts of service for me. He needs me to give him words of affirmation. We fail at this all the time. This was very hard for both us in the beginning. I was raised where we do not build each other up. My parents never sugar-coated anything for us. At the time it was very hurtful, but it made each one of extremely strong individuals. We can reverse every action, and every word that we say so we see the bigger picture of what the consequence is going to be. When we say words of affirmation to each other we know we earned big time, and it is not a false affirmation. We know the other means it, because we don’t take it for granted.
One of the reasons why my MS bothers me is because I can’t do everything physically that I want to do. I have had to slow down and I don’t like it. I feel terrible guilt when I can’t do something for someone else. I feel guilt when I don’t get all the laundry done. I feel guilt if I order dinner and didn’t cook a meal for my husband. I feel guilt when I cancel something that I had committed to because I’m too tired to do it. I love to travel and see friends and family, but the problem is when I do it takes me weeks to recover physically. I will have to slow down now and not travel as much, because I understand the consequence of it.
When I have an attack one of my best friends takes care of getting everyone together to take care of everything that I do in my life for me. Her initial email is don’t call Jessica, and the reason being is because I will not get better if I am thinking about what I need to do, or want to do for someone else. She understands that is how I love people. I show my love for others through gifts or acts of service. I very rarely do it any other way. I am terrible with writing thank you notes, or saying how I feel about that person.
Over the top acts of generosity or acts of service bother me, because that is I how love people. I don’t want to have that burden of feeling like there is a catch to their actions. Here is the thing if I do a lot for someone, or they do a lot for me I don’t want to start thinking we owe each other something. Then it turns into selfish ambition, and gain. It becomes vile in his eyes. We begin to think well I did this for you, so you should do this for me. The whole act of giving becomes selfish.
I sometimes think people forget that God gets angry and is hurt by actions and words. Everything we do to another one of his children that is wrong hurts him deeply. Every act of kindness and love towards another makes him proud of us. This was the last part of 1 Corinthians 13 4-7 that I had to give up. “Love does not insist on its own way.” We can’t love another if we think their way of loving is wrong, or they aren‘t willing to see that it may be offensive and hurtful to another. We are being selfish, and not selfless.
My husband and I get very defensive with each other when we argue. We get that way because we know the other one is right. We aren’t willing to see it, because it wasn’t meant to be intentional in how we failed each other. That’s why that verse is a rebuke in how we love, because if we don’t love God that way or another that way we fail him. We have to learn how to love no matter how uncomfortable it is. Sugar coated scripture is bad in my opinion, because then we don’t see the bigger picture. We can even begin to stop seeing what we are doing to another. We may not understand it, but that doesn’t matter because it is how we hurt another.
I get angry very easily. I have a terrible temper. My motive behind this is that I want the other person to feel guilty. I want them to hurt as much as my heart does. I want to control them in my anger. I will reverse every word and every action when I am hurt, and do not have taming of the tongue. I am too harsh in my words and I become judgmental. I have had to work on this. It has not been easy for me. My husband controls through a pity party. He has the most beautiful eyes and you might as well forget trying to fight it. He uses his love as weapon through pity, and making me feel guilty. Neither one us likes this about ourselves.
My biggest test in this was during the Bastrop Fire donations. I could have said something out of anger because of the attacks that were made on my husband and me. For me not to say anything is a huge step. It was not worth it to me, because the individuals do not know or understand what they did. They don’t see anything wrong with their actions. They were being ignorant in their judgment of my husband and me. They aren’t willing to admit what they did wrong.
In the act that was committed we can be hurt and justified in our anger. What we do after though is going to be what matters to God. Are we willing to admit that we shouldn’t have done that, or had been wrong in the decision we made? I will have to eat a big piece of humble pie this December because of the severity of my reaction over an act that happened over last thanksgiving. I was justified in my anger. I wasn’t justified in my reaction. It was not good thanksgiving last year. I was in terrible mourning over my uncle and my grandmother. I was terrified that I was going to lose my dad during heart surgery on the Monday after thanksgiving. I had reached my stress level.
We are going into the holidays and people are a nervous wreck and very stressed out during this time of year. The stress of everything that we have to get done, and still get the stuff we normally do done is hard on people. Then we have to go in and pretend that stuff doesn’t bother us. Our pastor said on Sunday that happy people make him nervous. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I feel insecure around them. I feel like I have to be this perfect person and there is no way that is even true. The appearance of it creeps me out actually. It is not normal. My husband does this. He will pretend that something is not bothering him and it drives me crazy. I need to know what I did, or else I can’t fix my crap. The thing about this is you can tell me, and only a few other people can. I will get defensive. I admit it. The reason being is if I don’t trust you I will turn it around on you quickly. If you do please know that I expect you to admit what you did wrong in the situation. My friends know this about me. I will hold you accountable.
Don’t be ignorant in how your idea of love can damage someone else. As Christians we can reverse the action it is just how we say it. Christ does it in every part of the bible. He did get very angry with us for our actions and taking liberties with is his love. I have no idea where we get the idea that he doesn’t. How we love another and what we are willing to see in how we do it he hold us accountable He will reverse it on you, and that idea that he won’t astounds me. A friend last year said the holidays are when Satan attacks us the most. I agree with that, because we are usually pretending everything is perfect and that we aren’t having a hard time with something.
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