I prayed to give up control to God. He likes to test every part of that in my life once I do it. It is like praying for patience and then we have none. A friend of mine once said do not pray for patience, because he will test you even harder. This morning I was thinking of the simplest definition I could of what the relationship is with him and what Christ is trying to tell us in scripture.
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:12
Reverse every action, every word, and see if you want that act done, or said to you. We reap what sow. Do unto others as you would your self. The perceptions and acts of what happens to us give us a test of faith in him at every turn. Sometimes our anger is justified, but it is how we handle the act after it is done. My mom likes to ask questions after you say something to her to make you think of the reverse. My mother and I do not agree politically, but however we both are fiscally conservative with our money. For example I said they are going to raise your social security payments, and she said how are they going to do that when they don’t have any money to do that? I said because they are going to raise our social security tax. She said oh that won’t affect me, and I said it will affect us which means no more final 4 tickets for you. She was not happy with that scenario.
I want my husband to find the house (I think that he did). It would be much easier on me, because I know him and the way his mind works. He’s an engineer. He is very detail oriented, and I am not. I don’t always need to understand what is in between. I just want to know what the bottom line is on how much it is going to cost, because I handle the money. We both love old houses. We like the little details of homes that were built 30 to 40 years ago that they really don’t build anymore unless you have Bill Gates salary. You can get them now, but it will cost a fortune to do that in the areas we are looking. After years of being married I am not comfortable with that financially long term, and he gets that.
The dynamics of marriage is interesting when you really think about it. When we get married especially for women we want the fairy tale and romance. Marriage can be completely opposite of that in so many areas. When we get married we become one in God’s eyes. It is a continual balancing act of compromise without forgetting the other‘s needs.. All the time we have to give up what is important to ourselves for the other. I am not saying that we should be a doormat, because protecting each other’s hearts is what we are to do. When you throw children into mix it gets harder.
Sometimes that balancing becomes one sided. Mothers really do it, because when we become moms we are like lions about our kids. We have a hard time putting our husbands above our children. Husbands miss their wives. Wives miss their husbands. We get so busy with life that we forget to fill our spouses’ needs, wants, and desires. It becomes a battle of the wills. Although we hear the one talking we don’t always listen to what our spouse is saying we don’ always hear what the other wants, or needs from them. Men and women perceive and hear things differently. It does not help at all that my husband and I know exactly what we don’t want or need on so many things. We are stubborn when it comes to seeing the bigger picture when we know what has to change. I figured out instead of asking our spouse to give up stuff we ask for, but what would we be willing to give up. I would give up books for my husband. This is my passion so for me to say that he knows that it is a big one. I told him that yesterday morning and he said you don‘t have to give that up; “I will find the house that I know we will all be happy in, and we need.”
"The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully." 2 Corinthians 9:6
Finding a house is going to be a task that I am not looking forward to. It is not any fun for me. I don’t like it at all. I can hear everyone saying why are you doing it then? Well, I have to do it because I have my mom to think about, and I have two kids that need more room. They are in school and I can only fit so many kids in my house. We have people over all the time and it is crowded. The bonus is we have a huge yard and it carries the overload. I realized that I have been doing this wrong. I have been going first to look. He needs to go first. He wants me to go with him so I have to go with him. My friends find this amazing that I am willing to let him pick it, because I am the one that is going to be there all day long. It is my work place, so I need it to be as functional as possible.
He has been looking at homes that we are going to have to remodel, and update. I could kill myself right there. What is left of my sanity, which is not a lot, will be gone. We just did that and I don’t know if I could handle another remodel. Actually, I know I can’t unless he takes off work for however long it takes to do. That is why he is so great at his job, because he is so detail oriented and precise. 2 kids, dogs, and maintaining everything I do at the same time is not easy. I am grateful and blessed that I did not get sick during the whole thing. Lots of arguments, discussions, and by the end I wanted to leave on a month, long vacation by myself. He is so confused by this, but for those that know him they know what I mean. He is a trip.
The longer we are married I realize my husband is like my grandfather whom I adored. However, I was not married to my grandfather, and my grandmother had to put up with his aeronautical, engineering mind on a daily basis. When he retired I have no idea how they did it, because my grandmother was very used to him not being there because he worked all the time. My grandpa wanted things a certain way and was not very compromising. My favorite memory is when my grandfather gave her some appliance at Christmas. She looked at him and told him to take it back because that is not the gift she wanted. Why would any stay at home wife and mother want an appliance to remind her of one more thing that she is going to have to clean and use on a daily basis? Husbands don’t do that. I think he gave her flowers, chocolates, or jewelry the rest of their marriage.
It broke my grandma’s will to the point where she was hard to deal with later in life. She wanted her way from then on. I love my grandma, but she was hard sometimes. I get it. The one thing however I am not willing to give up is my heart and my health to the conflict about walls, flooring, amenities, etc in a house. In the long run that is the stuff that is not going to matter it is going to be the memories for us and our kids.
"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ" Ephesians 5:21
Marriage is a constant act of giving up what we think is important. It is a completely selfless act of give and take. If we know our spouse needs certain emotional things please give it to them. If we know it bothers our spouse in anger, anxiety, worry, or damages their hearts we have to give it up. The resentment and bitterness that builds up over time will always be there if we don’t stop it in its tracks. My husband and I know this from experience.
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