a couple of nights ago i had a dream where each time i sat down and then got up my legs wouldn't move as well as they had the last time. each time i had a harder time walking than i did before. each time i picked myself up and moved no matter how hard it was to go forward.
not being able to walk and being in a wheelchair at some point with this disease is probably one of my biggest fears. i have denied this for years. instead of facing that fear, i buried it. GOD always has a different plan in mind when HE decides it's time for us to face something. this last attack HE made sure that it was time for me to face that reality. i have realized that i carry a great deal of shame and vanity about this. i don't want individuals to see me as a woman in just a wheelchair.
what's interesting about ms is that it forces you into seasons. each season of the disease is different. life of course is that way. i have always had too much pride in the way i handle my disease, instead of enough humility. i have pushed my body more than i should way too many times because of pride and fear. lately instead of burying the fact that i have ms i have had to deal with it. without GOD guiding me i would still be in denial. if we seek wisdom from HIM, HE will at some point give it to us.
when you see me physically you wouldn't even know i have ms unless i told you. my husband has become an observer of my ms. he knows when something is going on with me physically and he questions me about it. for years i have said i am fine even when i wasn't. usually, within a few weeks i am in a full blown attack. see, i have even made my husband forget that i have ms, because i didn't want him to worry. we both have had to change our way of thinking about it.
for years i have prayed that i didn't have ms; that my doctor was wrong. i have been trying to prove to myself and others that i can still do all the things that others can do physically. i have been lying to myself for years. GOD has allowed me to do this for years; HE finally said enough. HE finally said you will have peace about this and you must give it to ME.
i have had a great deal of peace about my ms since i let it go to HIM. i have had a great deal of peace about realizing that i can't do it all. what's funny about this is, HE has been trying for years to get me to face this. HE knew i wasn't ready yet, until now. i have to finally tell the truth to myself and others that it is real. GOD BLESS all of my family and friends that have had to wait for me to do this.
i love this about GOD. i love that i am still growing in HIM. i love that HE is in control of this and that i don't need to worry so much about it. it is freeing to be able to tell the truth about how this disease makes me feel physically and emotionally. i thank HIM for giving me the wisdom to finally give it up.
"yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through HIM who loved us. for i am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to seperate us from the love of GOD which is in CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD." romans 8:37-39
"for you will light my lamp; the LORD MY GOD will enlighten my darkness. for by YOU i can run against a troop, by my GOD i can leap over a wall. as for GOD, HIS way is perfect; the word of the LORD is proven; HE is a shield to all who trust in HIM." psalm 18:28-30
"then JESUS spoke to them again, saying I am the light of the world. HE who follows me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of LIFE." john 8:12
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