“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” James 4:1
Today will be a good day. It is a glorious day for me. 1 ago year today I was getting hooked up to an IV. 1 year ago today God broke me, and made me see. Today is about celebrating every blessing, trial, temptation, and joy that gave me back to him. Everything that I have been given by giving up more and more control to him! So many prayers have been answered. Praise HIM.
Last night was the first time I have been in a nursing home since my grandmother passed, because my beautiful 6 year old son wanted to go. My sweet sons want help to others, and we helped them learn that. Thank you God. Friday would have been her birthday. I miss her so terribly. I want to tell her that her life meant something, because she put him first and suffered in her love for HIM above all others inlcuding her husband, her children, and her family. I feel such shame that because of me seeing her in pain that I did not see her more. I miss my uncle, and I wish that I had just gotten in my car and drove to Ohio to have 10 more minutes with him even though he didn’t know me anymore. I got up tonight and did a little dance, smiled big in the mirror and cried with joy that it has been a year. Thank you God.
I am grateful for a husband that stands by me in good times and bad, sickness and health. I am grateful for two beautiful children that I did not know if I could have. I am grateful for God pulling me back over and over again this year to give him more control. I am grateful for every trial that I have endured. I am grateful for every test of my faith in him. I am grateful that he wakes me up in the middle of the night to teach me so I will know what is in my heart. I am grateful that he wants me to be me no matter what others think. I have peace that people can call me too passionate, too harsh and a crazy bible lady all because I am learning the truth of scripture. 10 years of this glorious journey and it is the first time I have not had an attack. Shame on those that have ever tried to stop that, these writings, and attack me for that.
I went to pick up one of my meds last night and the co-pay had gone up another $15. I am grateful and blessed that I have the money to pay it. I am grateful to have the money to pay my bills without fear that there won’t be enough the next day. I am grateful for a warm home. I am grateful for the food that I eat. I am grateful for the very clothes that cloth my body. I am grateful that men and women fight every day to find a cure through research. I am grateful to friends that ride 180 miles on a bike in April wearing my name to fight this disease because they love me and know that I am going to be at that finish line waiting for them.
Never again will I take my attacks for granted in what he was trying to tell me and show me. Never again am I willing to see the pain and terror in my husband’s eyes thinking that this time she could be in a wheel chair. I praise God that he finally saw what was happening. Never again will I not be able to care for my boys because of interference. That was the last time I would not be able to pick them up when they cried.
Never again do I want to see my mother cry in pain and anger of watching her daughter cripple up before her in anguish because of others, and she could do nothing about it. Never again do I want to watch my father be so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to walk when he should have been mourning his mother and healing from heart surgery a week before. Never again do I want to hear my brother begging me on the phone to protect myself and my heart, so I wouldn’t get sick again. I am grateful that my parents put aside their differences because of their love for me, and are still doing it. I am so grateful for my father, my mother, my stepmother, and my siblings because we love each so much that will fight those that harm us. Never again will I allow myself to be destroyed because of control.
Most of all I praise God that he my healed my marriage from so much bitterness and anger. That he gave me the man I married back and he gave me back to my husband. This illness is my reminder that every day God is in me. That everyday when I allow interference from the world I will fail him. That it takes me from my husband and my children. That I can’t care for them the way he has commanded me to. Most of all I should not feel such guilt for such a blessing as MS. I can get angry and frustrated with him, but it is his gift to keep my path straight. That when I hate I should be really be loving my disease. It is my gift to remind me that he comes first no matter what. I wasn’t feeling so good a couple of weeks ago, and I yelled “oh no you don’t, I’ll get rid of it.”
When I watched the fires burning in this state, and the shear pain and fear of individuals that had nothing any longer a great miracle happened. I made a choice to love my neighbor and truly help them. I watched people that I have known for years from high school bring clothing, water, food or just a little money to help. I met people from all over this city bring car loads and a bus load that I did not know me to fill up my driveway all because they wanted to help.
I watched men and women give up time from their lives to sort items in my home, my yard and my driveway to pack up the trucks late into the night to take these offerings the next morning. I watched my parents work together all because of their love for me. That is what I am most grateful for from that event. I am grateful that during that week two women showed their hearts of how selfish and shallow they are, that just want a good time only, and he gave me peace about them being gone. I am grateful to the women that I know cherish me no matter what. They are beautiful women, and I will not take them for granted ever again.
I am grateful for a new church where we walk in and we can be the people we are; sinners. That we can feel the spirit of Christ working through our pastor, our teacher and the congregation. That there is no shame or fear about following him. That we weep for him to have more control. I am grateful that I am not in a church that turned their back on a woman that was in need because she wasn’t a member. I am grateful that I am not in a church that turned their backs on a member of 20 years because of the power of another. They should be ashamed of that. That is not God that is the pretense of what we think a Christian should be, because she made a mistake.
Today is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Look at what we have become; our nations’ prosperity is a lie. So many people died and fought evil and prevailed, and we have destroyed that. We are a shallow, selfish nation that values money more than God. Stuff more than God. Tyranny of another over God. I am so grateful that he is stripping the pretense of our prosperity and reminding us of why we are meant to be on this earth; to be his and his alone. If we have life that is a gift. We are gifts. You are a gift. Please let go of your pride and seek him. We cannot sustain this way of life. It is destroying all of us. All because of the God of money.
Don’t be just watchers. Don’t be afraid to fight. Don’t be naïve in this world to the evil that is overcoming us. Most of all don’t be afraid to say no to another for him. Don’t be afraid to show how much his words through scripture mean. It is not worth it to loose him over something, or someone out of fear and guilt because society has told us to do it. Please know that I pray for your hearts to be whole, and have peace through him. Our pain is a reminder that we must live for him and him alone. I am blessed that I have pain everyday. It took a big act for him to make me his, and I praise him for it.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9
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