Commitment

The last few weeks I have been struggling with a decision. I have sought wisdom from my husband on what I should do. I have sought wisdom from two men that are wiser than I am regarding scripture and God. I have sought wisdom from a friend that understands the psychology of children.  How they deal with their trials, fears and process the world. Children like absolutes. When that is broken in any way it takes a very long time for them to process and recover. They need reassurance, comfort and unconditional love from their parents.

My friend Heather said something to me that I will always remember; If it takes you away from  your husband and your children it needs to go. If you do not have peace about it and are conflicted then it is not the right thing to do. When you are feeling led to do something, you pray about it, try to discern it, or if it is just a desire. Sometimes the bigger picture unfolds and the trial before you is much greater than what you thought it would be. It isn't that it was false to begin with, it just becomes something different. I heard God say this to me the other day, "I will test your promise and commitment to me over your desire to do something." God will always hold me accountable to a promise I made him, because he knows it is my weakness. Even good deeds can become selfish.


Friday afternoon I remembered something from my childhood; just a thought from long ago. I said to myself as a child that if I ever got married and had children no one or anything would come above them, or in between that. This was after my parents divorce. I knew then that my wants could not come before them. God remembered, and decided to remind me. My husband said something to me about a year ago that I had never seen or thought about before, and the bigger picture was revealed on how those choices had affected me over time.

This has not been easy for me to understand since we got married. My strong will and guilt of being sick has pulled me in every direction. I was determined that I would allow myself to be destroyed if my husband didn't have to deal with me being sick. Once I stopped doing that I stopped getting sick. I forgot myself in that process. I rebelled against my husband all the time, and I resented him for it. I'm not saying that I don't do this still on occasion believe me I have my moments. I did that to myself not him. I punished myself over time not him. You forget your worth and who God made you to be. God made me to be a wife and mother. He gave me obstacles along the way that would train me for that very calling. He gave me great peace when I realized that they came first no matter what, and no one would ever cause division in that including me.


When I go through decisions like this I always go back to the role of a woman in the bible, and Ephesians 5. I try to make the decision on what the scripture says, and not based on the selfish desire. My dear sweet friend, Jan, told me about a book along time ago about biblical marriage, and then my friend Heather taught it. She could see the things that were destroying my marriage. There is verse in proverbs about how a woman can make or break her home. That is exactly how much power a woman has. That was over 4 years ago. Then it happened again with a conference. Then it happened with a beloved pastor. God puts people and circumstance in our lives to remind us of our roles. He puts them there to remind us to uphold his absolute law of marriage.


If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:3-7

I have studied this verse for a very long time. It is a verse how about God loves us. It is also a rebuke to how we love God when we forget that we have those sins in our heart. The Corinthian Church had forgotten their weaknesses. They became indifferent and self-righteous in their relationship with God. We can't do that with God, and we can't change scripture anytime we like because it doesn't go our way. He does not like that after you have made a commitment to follow him.

My oldest son received an award this year for respecting others. I was proud of him for this, because the fruit of how we are training him is showing in his heart. He knows that this is the most important thing to us when he leaves our home. He knows this because he has been told that he can be selfish, and wrong in his actions. He knows that treating someone else badly because they look different, or don't do something the way he would do it is unacceptable. This may be harsh to some but he is given a chance to apologize on his own, or I will stand beside him to make him admit his wrong to another. He has to understand humility and that he is not always right in his choices. He has to know that his choices have consequences. He has to know that although we love him he will not manipulate his family or friends for his personal gain. Both boys are being trained this way.

I love my daddy. He said something to me a few weeks ago. He told me, I know that it is confining and restrictive for you as a mother. I know that it is hard to be a woman in this society, because you have so many people tugging at you to be so many different roles. He said I know it is hard for you because you have so much to give to others because you care about people. He said I know that you are strong, intelligent and you have many desires for yourself that you have given up for your husband and your children. He said remember though that is your role first, not anything else, and you have the choice. He said remember when you were a teenage girl and a young woman, and I tried to tell you that your choices had consequences even for those that love you dearly.

God has commanded me to train my children this way. If I do not they will not be men of integrity later in life when they leave this home to make their own home. I love God so much for this. I love this gift that he have given to me. I love that he has control over my life and not me when I let him do it. I love that I have peace when he holds me accountable. I love that I don't resent him for it. I love not getting angry at him for forcing me to always choose him. I love that he knows my heart so well, and my own selfish desires that he will force me to make the right decision. He will give me the peace and the comfort that I need when I choose him.

If we make decisions in our life that God has led us to do that we know are the right decisions you will have peace. However, if you are making a decision based on your own desires and it is not commanded by God, and his absolute law I would pray for that. You can't take it back once you do it, and it has a consequence. If you are constantly defending it to yourself and others to justify that it was good then you didn't make right the decision. It is an excuse. You didn't do what God told you to do. You have to understand your weaknesses so that you can love God fully in your life. You have to. If you know that your role is to be a wife and a mother first try your damnedest to fulfill that role.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it will be easy because it isn't. I am not going to say to you that you made the right decision when it went against God, and it is in scripture that you shouldn't do it. Don't ask me to defy my father, because I will always choose him above you. It will always be that way, because I have to train my children to be that way. If you don't understand and you profess Christ then you need to read the scripture and ask God to show you how you defied him. If you can't do that then you do not have a humble heart and are not secure enough to handle the truth about yourself. Understand what you are capable of, and your weaknesses.

"Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."   2 Timothy 1:13