today

our pastor said something yesterday regarding our journeys that made a lot of sense to me; you can become depressed and show despair. you can also become passive. you can become so worried about getting into heaven that you forget to see what HE's already blessed you with, or how HE's shown you grace. you can also become passive so much that even in your trials you can't see any longer what you've done wrong, or what you need to learn.

one of the best and worst traits i have is i think too much. i am the worry and anxiety queen. i've done better with it this year than what i've done in the past. i fear things and situations before they happen. i get my hopes up about something that may, or may not take shape. i actually do not live each day as it comes. i plan so far ahead that in the end i really have no idea if that is going to happen according to plan, or not.

as a woman i think that it is worse, because we have put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything; do everything. i think that i have added the pressure to myself because of my ms that i need to do double duty to prove that i can, then i beat myself up when i don't get something done. i always ponder these things almost to the point of insanity, and then i'm exhausted. the past is the past; good and bad. moving forward is the goal and to live just one day at a time.

this year when i made the decision to slow down, it really was a no brainer for me. GOD, my husband and others had been urging me for years to do this and i think i know why. not only did HE want me to focus on my husband and children more, HE wanted me to dig even deeper into HIS word; HE wanted me to find peace.

i have on more than one occasion felt great guilt about this though, because my acts of physical service have almost stopped. i very rarely make obligations that i can't keep any longer. not that i don't want to it's just my physical energy has to be reserved for my husband and children. this is the right choice.

for one thing this is hard for me because i have such beautiful individuals in my life that have done so much for me that i have the desire to give all the time to them. i have had to change the way i give now. i pray for them, or listen when they need me to. this is all that i can give right now. sometimes that is all GOD asks of us to give. i have very loving friends and family, so they know my heart belongs to them in so many ways.

the state of the country right now is one of despair that we forget the everyday miracles. if you have food on your table that is a miracle. if you have clothing on your back that is a miracle. if you have a home to go to that is a miracle. with all of those that are in need there are still individuals that are willing to help. there is still hope and beauty in this desperate time. we still have faith and courage that GOD's will, will prevail.

the new challenge to myself will be to take each day as it comes and to say thank for those little miracles of grace and love that HE gives me and my family. instead of asking for the long term goal of surrendering completely to him; it will just have to be a day to day goal. instead of asking what i can do for HIS GLORY for the rest of my life i need to just ask what HIS will is for me today.



"4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. 14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. 15 Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; 16 for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid more than once when I was in need. 17 Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account. 18 I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. 19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. 20 To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen."