12 Years

12 years ago today I was diagnosed with MS. It was a week away from our wedding. Everything changed. Every dream became a maybe. Every thing that we had talked about for our life became a maybe. I could never have guessed the shit storm that was about to happen for the next year and half of our life. None.

It changed our thoughts about everything. We had no idea what to expect. It was the worst year of our marriage. People were not so kind that first year about helping the way they should have. It was a hard road. However God gave me a choice that year; will you move forward or use this to become a pity party? I could have used it, because I had been trained in manipulation after my parents divorce. I was good about abusing my parent's hearts for their failings. I finally figured out they didn't owe me anything, and I was wrong to do that. It was a massive battle of the wills; him pursuing me and me fighting to not go there. He won.

I have been reflecting about every step where my faith that he would sustain, and move me forward has brought incredible blessings. A marriage, children, friendships, love, grace, joy, and most of all a life to be proud of. Faith that he would sustain me with strength and courage through the worst of my fears. Strength to go into the unknown when when the world would have said you can't.

I have found over the years that blaming a circumstance for not moving forward is pretty sad. I have to wonder who told someone that they had right to play that card for years. I read stories of the corruption, the theft, the greed, the manipulation of not getting what they want because of circumstance is getting old. I see people that enable others, because they feel they have to do that. It is a game of manipulation..

I thank God that I had parents that never once said I had a right for entitlement because of circumstance. They never would have allowed me to use an illness for gain. They we were very clear when I was diagnosed that this was not a reason to stop living. Thank God I had that. I look at people and hear stories that they are entitled to something without doing anything, but just breathing and I wonder why? Why would you sell yourself so short and believe that you couldn't?

There is a trend in this nation, in our communities, our families, or friendships that we are entitled to something for nothing. Why would we want that? Why would we allow our circumstance, trials, sufferings to take over? If we keep running from God, because he tells us the truth of our hearts we miss out on his beautiful grace. Why would we allow our fear of being held accountable to our sinful nature, and miss out on his love? Sooner or later we have to address the problem that people think because they breath and walk around this world they are owed something. We have to learn how to face our truths.

In January we attended one of my cousin's weddings. I got to see another cousin that I have not seen in years. He spoke words of affirmation about me and my journey that still brings tears to my eyes. I made the choice 12 years ago to never allow a circumstance to rule my heart and the blessings from God have been extraordinary. All I have to do is look in the eyes of my 2 beautiful sons and know that it was the right choice.

http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations

Convictions

You may have heard the story about a couple that only collected sea shells their entire life. I heard it years ago from a friend. They only collected sea shells and nothing else. When they passed God asked them what they had done with their lives and they just wanted to show Him their sea shells. He kept asking what they had done besides collecting sea shells. They had nothing else to say. What would you want to hear from Him when you go home?

Right before my surgery 2 months ago a friend and I were talking and holding each other. I told her I would want God to say to me that I loved well. That is what I would want to hear. That I loved others and him well. I would want to hear you loved so much that you were willing to tell the truth for me. I would want to hear you loved your husband and children well. I would want to hear you loved your family and friends well.

I have been thinking about the past year. The MS progressed and part of my liver had to be removed. Both forced me to rest and find peace. I no longer think that it is selfish to say I don't feel well (a dear pastor called me out on that one.)  I no longer feel guilt for saying I can't do that anymore. I physically and emotionally cannot carry that anymore. God did that for me and I am grateful.

It is a glorious gift to be able to find peace in suffering and pain. It is a glorious gift to be able to yell out "why" to God and have him stand by you. It is a glorious gift that you can be angry and He still loves you. It is a glorious gift to have a father and friend that never goes away once He has you. It is a glorious gift to say I can't fight this sin without you.

In 1 Corinthians 13 the famous love verses are written. Paul explains to the Corinthians what love is and it was not what they were doing. The Corinthian church is a lot like the American church today. We believe God's love is tolerance, indifference, passive, and politically correct. We believe that he would never confront His children for what they do. God loves us enough to tell us what we did wrong, embraces us, and says "go, do not sin anymore."

That verse and I have not always gotten along well. It was when I started to read the verse differently that it began to make sense. It says a lot about God and what we are. We are the sins in that verse and He is the love in that verse. Love is not manipulation. Love is not guilt. Love is not used for hate. Love is not selfish. Love is not used for gain from another.

We are at the time of year where everyone thinks back and starts making resolutions. Are we making them for ourselves or for God? The changes we should make should be for Him alone because it gives Him glory. Our lives should be lived for His glory. I do not believe our nation is headed in the right direction. We are just a nation under God. We are falling for turning our backs on His truth.

The other side is that we may learn to value more. We may learn that we should have fought for what was right. We will know that we had a lot to be thankful for. We will learn that His word and way are the truth, and we can't change it. We may learn that our shelter is a true gift. We may learn that the food we have to eat is an amazing blessing. We may learn the clothing we wear is perfect. We may learn that he provides when we ask.

My greatest gift this year was asked for selfishly. I asked Him to me wake me up after surgery. I boldly said "I love you, but I don't want to come home to you yet." He gave me that, gave me love, and said "you love well."

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; itis not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Gratitude

In the book of Luke chapter 22 starting at verse 7 the last supper begins. Jesus is breaking bread with His disciples right before His trial, His beating, His death and His resurrection. He is teaching His disciples to show gratitude for His sacrifice. Our debt is about  to be paid for our sins. They would learn through the horror of His death to show gratitude for the forgiveness they would receive from His father. They would no longer be sent to hell for their sin. It became their way of life. It was apart of their souls.

Yesterday I got a call from a friend asking me for help regarding her daughter. Her daughter is facing a possible diagnosis of MS. As we talked my heart was so overwhelmed with gratitude for this woman and her husband. They were a huge part of my journey in the beginning. Her husband baptized me so many years ago. They know my secrets, my sins, the wretchedness of my heart and they loved me so much that they gave me a great amount of grace. I remember saying to her "God is punishing me for my sins," and her response was "He's not, he sees something in you that he loves."

I could hear the fear in her voice of the what ifs and when she said "if it is this what about the damage that it is causing to her body?" With all the love and grace that she gave me I had to say the truth of this disease to her. I had to tell her the damage is already done if it is MS. The meds and treatments can only slow it down so far. It broke my heart, because I do not wish that others should have to face this disease.

After I got off the phone I was thinking about her daughter and every emotion she will go through if the diagnosis is MS. The anger, the bitterness, the envy, the sadness, and the big question of why. It is amazing how God works, because earlier this week I asked myself the question; am I truly saved? I don't know why I asked myself that question, but the response came very quickly; I have immense love and gratitude to Him for making me sick. I have immense gratitude that he gave it to me so I could help others. 

As Christians we are to have gratitude every day even in the midst of our trials. This is constant prayer and discernment. This is constant asking for help and that never stops. It is the constant act of trying to overcome pride; believing that we can do it with him. It is the constant act of remembering what Christ did for us. Our sufferings are nothing compared to what he did.

Sheep and Goats

Every time I read Matthew 25 verse 33 I crack up even though it is talking about when Christ comes again; The Final Judgement. The right are the sheep and the left are the goats. The sheep go to heaven and the goats go to hell. It is as simple as that. 

The sheep do things because the Holy Spirit is in them so they don't pick and choose - they are trying to become more like Christ in every action and word. They don't care what you like they love you because God loves them and they want to share it. He has changed their hearts. They are very aware of their sinful nature and are repentant for it.  

The goats however profess to love Christ, but pick and choose whom they help. They expect something in return for what they have done. They argue with him that they never saw him so why should they have done it. They believe they have nothing to repent for and are so righteous. You have got to be kidding me. If you don't know what your issues are I feel sorry for you. Every one of us knows someone like this. 

I sin everyday. I cuss like a sailor. My youngest son is like a parrot so he repeats everything. I have constant bad thoughts about our government and people. I read trashy, romance novels - which I didn't used to read. I eat oreos and peanut m&ms like I am never going to see them again. I enjoy telling people how I really feel physically that I know are being fake and are just asking (this is evil - i know). I almost start laughing when I see it in their eyes how they really didn't want me tell them. Issues. I am repenting all the time.  

The only reason why I thought about Matthew 25 this morning is because the food stamp, debit system had glitches yesterday. People couldn't buy food. People that had purchased their food said they felt terrible and sad that these individuals had to walk out without food. My question is did anyone purchase the food for them? What if they had children with them? What if it was an elderly person? I wondered how many of them profess to love Christ. If Jesus had been standing there he would have said take the last of your money, and buy the person's food; trust me I will provide for you. Do we really trust him though is the question?

I am sure some were standing there looking at them judging them for it. I am not going to lie and say that haven't done the same. I know some shouldn't be on it. I grew up around the welfare system; my mother was a social worker. It makes you very angry to know that parents that are abusers and pedophiles receive benefits when they should be in jail, or they use the money on themselves. I digress though. 

We shouldn't be picking and choosing whom we help. If the Holy Spirit is convicting your heart to buy someones groceries; do it. You have denied his power when you don't. The truth is we would immediately realize we would have give up some of our money to do that, and we wouldn't want to do that. We are nation that has allowed the government to take control of our good deeds. Those that support and profess to love Christ need to read their bible, because he will you accountable and you alone.  

Jesus looked people in the eye, held their hand and held them. He suffered with them. He felt pain with them. He wept with them. He requires his children to do the same no matter how much we have to give up to do it. It is for his glory and because of his love that we do it. We are headed for rough, rough times in this nation and it is all a part of his plan. The truth of our greedy, selfish little hearts hurts. 

  

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25%3A31-46&version=ESV

love

34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34

last week my bible study teacher sent out an email with a question; what lies has satan been telling you? those whispers that we hear or thoughts that make us question ourselves, our actions, or our words. those lies that we have told ourselves for years that only pulls us away from him, and makes us lose ourselves to lies. 

when my parent's divorced it was "why weren't we worthy enough to fight for?" then the big lie began - i was not worthy of love. i was not worthy of being cherished. i was not worthy of anything really. when i got married it was "you are sick" so you aren't worthy for this beautiful man (be grateful he married you). 

i even told myself god doesn't love you if you don't show him how grateful you are that he saved you - don't let him down. i finally remembered the thief hanging on the cross next to christ; he loved him and he had done nothing in works. at our last communion one of our pastors said "look at me; god loves you as much you love your sons." i thought that is a ton of love.

sometimes i wish as adults we could learn to love like a child does. they make mistakes, we forgive them, and we usually forget. we make mistakes and our children still love us. we are able to apologize and forgive each other for our shortcomings, and we still love tremendously. 

we love like jesus loves in those moments. we love so much that we are willing to try and never make the mistake again, because we hurt them or they hurt us. we should love unconditionally, and try not to do it again. we should love without thinking we should be gaining something from it.

last week we made the decision to take the mass out of my liver. it will be a complicated surgery, and a portion of my liver will have to come out. we talked about the risks because the mass is so deep in the liver. we run the risk of it becoming cancer the longer we wait. it is compromising my ms. 

when i drove home i was thinking about the "what if." i was thinking about the things that i need to do just in case some thing goes wrong. i was thinking about my husband and my sons. i was thinking about my parents, my brothers, my sister and my friends. i was thinking don't be afraid to tell them how i feel about them. make sure they know to love passionately and fiercely; love like god. love so much they can barely breath.

make sure they know that mistakes don't matter as long as they learn that being loved my god is the most important thing in the world. make sure they know how to forgive and not be bitter, because it could destroy their heart. make sure they know that they may not get another day to share that with someone. make sure they fight for those they love no matter what they 
lose in the process.

my only prayer that morning was "god, i am not ready to leave my boys." i have hope that it will go well, but i would regret not saying those things that need be said. i have come to realize it is a waste not to live and love to the fullest, because of fear. 

The Passion Of Christ

I don't know if you have ever watched the Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson. When the film came out there were so many that said it was too brutal and violent. Actually, I believe it was far worse. Just imagine for a moment the full wrath of our Father and His Son taking on every sin, of every human being to save us.

This is what he did for us. Imagine this image every time we fear speaking the truth of Christ. Imagine this image every time we are uncomfortable with confronting the politically correct, tolerate Christian. Imagine this image every time we are offended in our pride for being called out. With great love he did this for us. Why are we ashamed of this? There is no shame in the truth. We are to glorify him for doing this. We lack empathy even for him. We are to become more like him, and this is a side of God that we must face. We are to die, and become new just as he did.

Yesterday was the first time that I went in to see my MS doc without trying to hide my MS. Yesterday I went in, and asked for treatment. Yesterday was the first time that I did not feel shame or guilt for my illness. She told me the truth and I accepted it without fighting. She said it is nice that you are finally not concerned with those that may think you are selfish. He began a work in my heart last December and it is awesome.

Look at that image when you complain about the little things in your life. Look at that image when you are mad that you didn't get your way. Look at that image when you attack another person for not being like you, and then you profess to love him. Look at that image when you whine about how hard your life is. Remember what he did for you.

One of our greatest sins is we believe we don't have to change for him; he did the above why wouldn't you? One of our greatest sins is believing that we are not in a constant war with Satan's games. One of our greatest sins is ignoring his truth because of fear, or being uncomfortable. One of our greatest sins is we skip over the above and just move on to stuff that makes us feel good about ourselves.

I remembered yesterday in my physical pain that it all goes away the moment I go home to HIM. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did. I am so grateful that he loves me so much that in my weaknesses he holds my hand, gives me strength, and says I have you no matter what! He doesn't let go of his children. It is a great honor to be chosen by him; boast in it!!! Don't be afraid to say that it is because of God that you make it through each day, and there is no other reason.

I believe that people that ignore his suffering and skip over to the mushy part are weak. A very wise friend of mine said; Read scripture and ask what that says about God, not how it applies to you.

" Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12

Bullies

For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ. Jude 1:4

The topic of bullying is the big thing now in our schools. The parents are to blame if their child is a bully. They probably have that behavior themselves. They find it acceptable to tear down another person. I would say the appearance is far more important to them than the heart.

Before my sons were born it was very important to me that they valued a person's heart above appearance. They have been trained and know that it would be unacceptable to us if we found them attacking another person for not being like them. This is an ongoing training. They know that appearances can be deceiving; their mom looks well, but is ill. We never know what another is going through.

I just read an interesting post from John MacArthur regarding the charismatic movement. There are many aspects to that movement, however, he made a comment regarding how so many Christians promote tolerance, loving tones, etc, but to do not accept the truth of the gospel. Jesus was very clear that we are to confront our brothers and sisters about their sins and hold them accountable. There is great love in that. It is just like when a parent tells a child no or disciplines them for a wrong.

Humility is not a trait we are born with. Humility is a trained discipline. God has had to train my heart to show humility. He has had to confront my inability to accept my wrongs from him and others. This is not easy because it offends our pride. I have noticed over the years some profess to love Christ, but do not accept his truth very well. If they are confronted with their actions they will attack your character so theirs doesn't show. That would be a false person that is just in it for the appearance.

"having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 3:5 

A few years ago my mother made a comment about someone that we know. She asked me the question why would they say they love you when their actions and words are very manipulative? Why would they lie about something as important as love? People like this use God to bully another into gaining what they want and desire. They are not a compassionate, or empathetic individual. Their desires and needs are more important.

In the book of Mark chapter 13 Jesus tells his disciples what signs he will give at the end of times. Many believe we are in the end times now, but many have believed that for thousands of years. He speaks about exposing those that are false. He exposes those that claim to be Him, or prophets. He exposes those that value the appearance above him; that is their idol. In my opinion I think he does that all the time if we are willing to see it. I also believe that God pounds his children to fall to their knees when they need it. He is unrelenting in it. He needs his children to see how they being disobedient to him and others.

Be wary of individuals that profess to love Christ, but condemn you with their actions or words if you are not like them. Ask yourself the question is what they are saying can be backed up with scripture, or is it their view of God. Those that say they are sinners, but believe they do not commit sin do not understand their very nature. They have a problem with forgiveness, and grace. They have a problem admitting that they have been wrong. They very rarely apologize. That is a bully.

"preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound[a] teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." 2 Timothy 4:2-4