Monday, April 14, 2014

Remember We Are Great Sinners

Our pastor asked us yesterday to remember that we are great sinners during this holy week. The sins we committed before we were saved and the ones that we are doing daily. Each have been given grace. When he caught us and made us his own he wiped the slate clean. We are reborn in him. Can we remember the day he caught us? Can we remember that day we accepted him?

My grandmother was a beautiful woman of God. She knew the bible inside and out. As she got older she kept hanging onto life out of fear. She feared being held accountable to God for her thoughts. He slowly over a couple of years took her mind so she no longer feared then he took her home. What a beautiful gift he gave her. 

There are some days still that I can hardly breathe at the thought that he wanted me and saved me. I am still in awe that he does. I truly believe that if we don't understand our very nature we become blind to what we are capable of that hurts him and others. We conform our minds and hearts to these rules, because we fear that we may be wrong. He already knows our hearts and thoughts.  We fear change. God is always trying to chip away at the rules; a hardened heart. 

I have been reading a lot about forgiveness and grace the last few weeks. Paul's conversion is incredible to me. He was such an evil man and he became one of God's greatest warriors. I have been wondering how long it took people to trust him. If they were always suspicious of his acts and words. They knew what he was capable of. God used that for his purpose. 

"But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. 14 And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.”15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel.16 For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” Acts 9:13-16

I have read the above scripture numerous time, but the last verse had never popped out at me. Paul suffered tremendously for him. The idea that we won't is a lie that people have taught themselves. We have to accept that he does allow that and be grateful for it. Paul was grateful for his salvation from his great sins. 

I think we believe that God changed from the wrathful God in the Old Testament to a passive, weak man in Jesus. He did not change - he is the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow. Do not fear repentance from him, because then you miss out on the beautiful gift of grace. 

A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago if I could describe my journey in one word what would it be; grace. After all theses years I finally realized that he made me angry enough with my diagnosis to forget my fear of being held accountable by him. I would have missed out on a lot of gifts; what a sad way to live. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Empathy

Definition of Empathy: the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone's feelings. 

Empathy is a word that we don't hear often. Empathy is a trait that is rare in my opinion. We have to pray for empathetic hearts for ourselves and others. This is not a trait we are born with. I think sometimes we believe we are being empathetic, but we are not. We like the appearance of it more. One of the best ways to understand empathy is to reverse the situation and imagine what that feels like, or if it would hurt your heart. 

When I read the gospels now I recognize empathy far more than I did before. Christ showed great empathy to sinners that recognized their failings and sought grace from him. He was empathetic to their struggles, their fears, their pain, and suffering because He wanted to share it with them. He knew their hearts were repentant. He humbly walked with us to share our journeys. 

The Holy Spirit and the mystery of how it connects us is a great example of empathy. When we become beloved brothers and sisters in Christ we are connected not only to the father, but to each other. We are called to share in our burdens and trials without judgment. We are to hold each other up whether, or not we understand the trial.

Empathy in my opinion has a lot to do with "we reap what we sow." authentic empathy is our willingness to share in a struggle, or stand by someone no matter how long it takes. Praise individuals that have that gift. God has nurtured that in them and He is glorified by it. 

Every authentic follower of Christ knows they struggle with something. If we don't think we do then we are blind in our journey with Him. 

 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Why?

A horrible tragedy happened this week that the immediate question was "why God?" I don't know the answer for this tragedy. I don't understand. I assume that He wants those that know about this tragedy to value what they have far more than they do. I have to believe that, that is His purpose because if I didn't I would hate him. It is very easy to become bitter and angry with Him.

We lost a friend last year after a long battle with cancer. He fought the cancer, but his heart just gave out. God took him home.We all asked why? The answer has come this year, because of the legacy that he left. What a legacy he has left for his children to follow.

My husband's aunt is going through her 4th bout of cancer. Why?

A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 38, and you ask why?

Another friend is going through something that is a parent's worst fear, and you ask why?

Unfortunately this list goes on and on. One of the greatest lies that is told about God is that he only gives us what we can handle. I used to believe that in the beginning of my journey, but he corrected me on that lie. He puts us through horrible trials and sufferings; He is calling us to him. I know that is hard to understand, but He wants us to depend on him.

Last year when the scans showed the progression of my MS I feel into the deepest of depressions and it escalated over the year, and it still persists. One of the greatest statements that was made to me was "I can't imagine; so I am not going to even to pretend that I would know. I will just give you love." I am grateful for those words. We will be put in situations that we can't imagine to understand, but we must learn to show empathy, love, compassion, mercy and grace. It is impossible to do those things without God.

One of my greatest gifts of the last year was a moment that I had with my youngest son. At the time I was in horrible pain, and walking from our bedroom to the kitchen was exhausting. My son asked me to come outside to watch the monarch butterflies. I said yes even though I really just wanted to lay down.

As I was sitting there I realized that I did not feel pain, or fatigue. The peace and comfort of spending hours with my son just watching the butterflies was wonderful. God gives us those moments in the midst of our suffering.



Saturday, February 15, 2014

12 Years

12 years ago today I was diagnosed with MS. It was a week away from our wedding. Everything changed. Every dream became a maybe. Every thing that we had talked about for our life became a maybe. I could never have guessed the shit storm that was about to happen for the next year and half of our life. None.

It changed our thoughts about everything. We had no idea what to expect. It was the worst year of our marriage. People were not so kind that first year about helping the way they should have. It was a hard road. However God gave me a choice that year; will you move forward or use this to become a pity party? I could have used it, because I had been trained in manipulation after my parents divorce. I was good about abusing my parent's hearts for their failings. I finally figured out they didn't owe me anything, and I was wrong to do that. It was a massive battle of the wills; him pursuing me and me fighting to not go there. He won.

I have been reflecting about every step where my faith that he would sustain, and move me forward has brought incredible blessings. A marriage, children, friendships, love, grace, joy, and most of all a life to be proud of. Faith that he would sustain me with strength and courage through the worst of my fears. Strength to go into the unknown when when the world would have said you can't.

I have found over the years that blaming a circumstance for not moving forward is pretty sad. I have to wonder who told someone that they had right to play that card for years. I read stories of the corruption, the theft, the greed, the manipulation of not getting what they want because of circumstance is getting old. I see people that enable others, because they feel they have to do that. It is a game of manipulation..

I thank God that I had parents that never once said I had a right for entitlement because of circumstance. They never would have allowed me to use an illness for gain. They we were very clear when I was diagnosed that this was not a reason to stop living. Thank God I had that. I look at people and hear stories that they are entitled to something without doing anything, but just breathing and I wonder why? Why would you sell yourself so short and believe that you couldn't?

There is a trend in this nation, in our communities, our families, or friendships that we are entitled to something for nothing. Why would we want that? Why would we allow our circumstance, trials, sufferings to take over? If we keep running from God, because he tells us the truth of our hearts we miss out on his beautiful grace. Why would we allow our fear of being held accountable to our sinful nature, and miss out on his love? Sooner or later we have to address the problem that people think because they breath and walk around this world they are owed something. We have to learn how to face our truths.

In January we attended one of my cousin's weddings. I got to see another cousin that I have not seen in years. He spoke words of affirmation about me and my journey that still brings tears to my eyes. I made the choice 12 years ago to never allow a circumstance to rule my heart and the blessings from God have been extraordinary. All I have to do is look in the eyes of my 2 beautiful sons and know that it was the right choice.

http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations

Monday, December 30, 2013

Convictions

You may have heard the story about a couple that only collected sea shells their entire life. I heard it years ago from a friend. They only collected sea shells and nothing else. When they passed God asked them what they had done with their lives and they just wanted to show Him their sea shells. He kept asking what they had done besides collecting sea shells. They had nothing else to say. What would you want to hear from Him when you go home?

Right before my surgery 2 months ago a friend and I were talking and holding each other. I told her I would want God to say to me that I loved well. That is what I would want to hear. That I loved others and him well. I would want to hear you loved so much that you were willing to tell the truth for me. I would want to hear you loved your husband and children well. I would want to hear you loved your family and friends well.

I have been thinking about the past year. The MS progressed and part of my liver had to be removed. Both forced me to rest and find peace. I no longer think that it is selfish to say I don't feel well (a dear pastor called me out on that one.)  I no longer feel guilt for saying I can't do that anymore. I physically and emotionally cannot carry that anymore. God did that for me and I am grateful.

It is a glorious gift to be able to find peace in suffering and pain. It is a glorious gift to be able to yell out "why" to God and have him stand by you. It is a glorious gift that you can be angry and He still loves you. It is a glorious gift to have a father and friend that never goes away once He has you. It is a glorious gift to say I can't fight this sin without you.

In 1 Corinthians 13 the famous love verses are written. Paul explains to the Corinthians what love is and it was not what they were doing. The Corinthian church is a lot like the American church today. We believe God's love is tolerance, indifference, passive, and politically correct. We believe that he would never confront His children for what they do. God loves us enough to tell us what we did wrong, embraces us, and says "go, do not sin anymore."

That verse and I have not always gotten along well. It was when I started to read the verse differently that it began to make sense. It says a lot about God and what we are. We are the sins in that verse and He is the love in that verse. Love is not manipulation. Love is not guilt. Love is not used for hate. Love is not selfish. Love is not used for gain from another.

We are at the time of year where everyone thinks back and starts making resolutions. Are we making them for ourselves or for God? The changes we should make should be for Him alone because it gives Him glory. Our lives should be lived for His glory. I do not believe our nation is headed in the right direction. We are just a nation under God. We are falling for turning our backs on His truth.

The other side is that we may learn to value more. We may learn that we should have fought for what was right. We will know that we had a lot to be thankful for. We will learn that His word and way are the truth, and we can't change it. We may learn that our shelter is a true gift. We may learn that the food we have to eat is an amazing blessing. We may learn the clothing we wear is perfect. We may learn that he provides when we ask.

My greatest gift this year was asked for selfishly. I asked Him to me wake me up after surgery. I boldly said "I love you, but I don't want to come home to you yet." He gave me that, gave me love, and said "you love well."

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; itis not irritable or resentful;[a] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7



Friday, November 22, 2013

Gratitude

In the book of Luke chapter 22 starting at verse 7 the last supper begins. Jesus is breaking bread with His disciples right before His trial, His beating, His death and His resurrection. He is teaching His disciples to show gratitude for His sacrifice. Our debt is about  to be paid for our sins. They would learn through the horror of His death to show gratitude for the forgiveness they would receive from His father. They would no longer be sent to hell for their sin. It became their way of life. It was apart of their souls.

Yesterday I got a call from a friend asking me for help regarding her daughter. Her daughter is facing a possible diagnosis of MS. As we talked my heart was so overwhelmed with gratitude for this woman and her husband. They were a huge part of my journey in the beginning. Her husband baptized me so many years ago. They know my secrets, my sins, the wretchedness of my heart and they loved me so much that they gave me a great amount of grace. I remember saying to her "God is punishing me for my sins," and her response was "He's not, he sees something in you that he loves."

I could hear the fear in her voice of the what ifs and when she said "if it is this what about the damage that it is causing to her body?" With all the love and grace that she gave me I had to say the truth of this disease to her. I had to tell her the damage is already done if it is MS. The meds and treatments can only slow it down so far. It broke my heart, because I do not wish that others should have to face this disease.

After I got off the phone I was thinking about her daughter and every emotion she will go through if the diagnosis is MS. The anger, the bitterness, the envy, the sadness, and the big question of why. It is amazing how God works, because earlier this week I asked myself the question; am I truly saved? I don't know why I asked myself that question, but the response came very quickly; I have immense love and gratitude to Him for making me sick. I have immense gratitude that he gave it to me so I could help others. 

As Christians we are to have gratitude every day even in the midst of our trials. This is constant prayer and discernment. This is constant asking for help and that never stops. It is the constant act of trying to overcome pride; believing that we can do it with him. It is the constant act of remembering what Christ did for us. Our sufferings are nothing compared to what he did.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Sheep and Goats

Every time I read Matthew 25 verse 33 I crack up even though it is talking about when Christ comes again; The Final Judgement. The right are the sheep and the left are the goats. The sheep go to heaven and the goats go to hell. It is as simple as that. 

The sheep do things because the Holy Spirit is in them so they don't pick and choose - they are trying to become more like Christ in every action and word. They don't care what you like they love you because God loves them and they want to share it. He has changed their hearts. They are very aware of their sinful nature and are repentant for it.  

The goats however profess to love Christ, but pick and choose whom they help. They expect something in return for what they have done. They argue with him that they never saw him so why should they have done it. They believe they have nothing to repent for and are so righteous. You have got to be kidding me. If you don't know what your issues are I feel sorry for you. Every one of us knows someone like this. 

I sin everyday. I cuss like a sailor. My youngest son is like a parrot so he repeats everything. I have constant bad thoughts about our government and people. I read trashy, romance novels - which I didn't used to read. I eat oreos and peanut m&ms like I am never going to see them again. I enjoy telling people how I really feel physically that I know are being fake and are just asking (this is evil - i know). I almost start laughing when I see it in their eyes how they really didn't want me tell them. Issues. I am repenting all the time.  

The only reason why I thought about Matthew 25 this morning is because the food stamp, debit system had glitches yesterday. People couldn't buy food. People that had purchased their food said they felt terrible and sad that these individuals had to walk out without food. My question is did anyone purchase the food for them? What if they had children with them? What if it was an elderly person? I wondered how many of them profess to love Christ. If Jesus had been standing there he would have said take the last of your money, and buy the person's food; trust me I will provide for you. Do we really trust him though is the question?

I am sure some were standing there looking at them judging them for it. I am not going to lie and say that haven't done the same. I know some shouldn't be on it. I grew up around the welfare system; my mother was a social worker. It makes you very angry to know that parents that are abusers and pedophiles receive benefits when they should be in jail, or they use the money on themselves. I digress though. 

We shouldn't be picking and choosing whom we help. If the Holy Spirit is convicting your heart to buy someones groceries; do it. You have denied his power when you don't. The truth is we would immediately realize we would have give up some of our money to do that, and we wouldn't want to do that. We are nation that has allowed the government to take control of our good deeds. Those that support and profess to love Christ need to read their bible, because he will you accountable and you alone.  

Jesus looked people in the eye, held their hand and held them. He suffered with them. He felt pain with them. He wept with them. He requires his children to do the same no matter how much we have to give up to do it. It is for his glory and because of his love that we do it. We are headed for rough, rough times in this nation and it is all a part of his plan. The truth of our greedy, selfish little hearts hurts. 
  
But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17



Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2