34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34
last week my bible study teacher sent out an email with a question; what lies has satan been telling you? those whispers that we hear or thoughts that make us question ourselves, our actions, or our words. those lies that we have told ourselves for years that only pulls us away from him, and makes us lose ourselves to lies.
when my parent's divorced it was "why weren't we worthy enough to fight for?" then the big lie began - i was not worthy of love. i was not worthy of being cherished. i was not worthy of anything really. when i got married it was "you are sick" so you aren't worthy for this beautiful man (be grateful he married you).
i even told myself god doesn't love you if you don't show him how grateful you are that he saved you - don't let him down. i finally remembered the thief hanging on the cross next to christ; he loved him and he had done nothing in works. at our last communion one of our pastors said "look at me; god loves you as much you love your sons." i thought that is a ton of love.
sometimes i wish as adults we could learn to love like a child does. they make mistakes, we forgive them, and we usually forget. we make mistakes and our children still love us. we are able to apologize and forgive each other for our shortcomings, and we still love tremendously.
we love like jesus loves in those moments. we love so much that we are willing to try and never make the mistake again, because we hurt them or they hurt us. we should love unconditionally, and try not to do it again. we should love without thinking we should be gaining something from it.
last week we made the decision to take the mass out of my liver. it will be a complicated surgery, and a portion of my liver will have to come out. we talked about the risks because the mass is so deep in the liver. we run the risk of it becoming cancer the longer we wait. it is compromising my ms.
when i drove home i was thinking about the "what if." i was thinking about the things that i need to do just in case some thing goes wrong. i was thinking about my husband and my sons. i was thinking about my parents, my brothers, my sister and my friends. i was thinking don't be afraid to tell them how i feel about them. make sure they know to love passionately and fiercely; love like god. love so much they can barely breath.
make sure they know that mistakes don't matter as long as they learn that being loved my god is the most important thing in the world. make sure they know how to forgive and not be bitter, because it could destroy their heart. make sure they know that they may not get another day to share that with someone. make sure they fight for those they love no matter what they
lose in the process.
my only prayer that morning was "god, i am not ready to leave my boys." i have hope that it will go well, but i would regret not saying those things that need be said. i have come to realize it is a waste not to live and love to the fullest, because of fear.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The Passion Of Christ
I don't know if you have ever watched the Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson. When the film came out there were so many that said it was too brutal and violent. Actually, I believe it was far worse. Just imagine for a moment the full wrath of our Father and His Son taking on every sin, of every human being to save us.
This is what he did for us. Imagine this image every time we fear speaking the truth of Christ. Imagine this image every time we are uncomfortable with confronting the politically correct, tolerate Christian. Imagine this image every time we are offended in our pride for being called out. With great love he did this for us. Why are we ashamed of this? There is no shame in the truth. We are to glorify him for doing this. We lack empathy even for him. We are to become more like him, and this is a side of God that we must face. We are to die, and become new just as he did.
Yesterday was the first time that I went in to see my MS doc without trying to hide my MS. Yesterday I went in, and asked for treatment. Yesterday was the first time that I did not feel shame or guilt for my illness. She told me the truth and I accepted it without fighting. She said it is nice that you are finally not concerned with those that may think you are selfish. He began a work in my heart last December and it is awesome.
Look at that image when you complain about the little things in your life. Look at that image when you are mad that you didn't get your way. Look at that image when you attack another person for not being like you, and then you profess to love him. Look at that image when you whine about how hard your life is. Remember what he did for you.
One of our greatest sins is we believe we don't have to change for him; he did the above why wouldn't you? One of our greatest sins is believing that we are not in a constant war with Satan's games. One of our greatest sins is ignoring his truth because of fear, or being uncomfortable. One of our greatest sins is we skip over the above and just move on to stuff that makes us feel good about ourselves.
I remembered yesterday in my physical pain that it all goes away the moment I go home to HIM. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did. I am so grateful that he loves me so much that in my weaknesses he holds my hand, gives me strength, and says I have you no matter what! He doesn't let go of his children. It is a great honor to be chosen by him; boast in it!!! Don't be afraid to say that it is because of God that you make it through each day, and there is no other reason.
I believe that people that ignore his suffering and skip over to the mushy part are weak. A very wise friend of mine said; Read scripture and ask what that says about God, not how it applies to you.
" Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
This is what he did for us. Imagine this image every time we fear speaking the truth of Christ. Imagine this image every time we are uncomfortable with confronting the politically correct, tolerate Christian. Imagine this image every time we are offended in our pride for being called out. With great love he did this for us. Why are we ashamed of this? There is no shame in the truth. We are to glorify him for doing this. We lack empathy even for him. We are to become more like him, and this is a side of God that we must face. We are to die, and become new just as he did.
Yesterday was the first time that I went in to see my MS doc without trying to hide my MS. Yesterday I went in, and asked for treatment. Yesterday was the first time that I did not feel shame or guilt for my illness. She told me the truth and I accepted it without fighting. She said it is nice that you are finally not concerned with those that may think you are selfish. He began a work in my heart last December and it is awesome.
Look at that image when you complain about the little things in your life. Look at that image when you are mad that you didn't get your way. Look at that image when you attack another person for not being like you, and then you profess to love him. Look at that image when you whine about how hard your life is. Remember what he did for you.
One of our greatest sins is we believe we don't have to change for him; he did the above why wouldn't you? One of our greatest sins is believing that we are not in a constant war with Satan's games. One of our greatest sins is ignoring his truth because of fear, or being uncomfortable. One of our greatest sins is we skip over the above and just move on to stuff that makes us feel good about ourselves.
I remembered yesterday in my physical pain that it all goes away the moment I go home to HIM. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did. I am so grateful that he loves me so much that in my weaknesses he holds my hand, gives me strength, and says I have you no matter what! He doesn't let go of his children. It is a great honor to be chosen by him; boast in it!!! Don't be afraid to say that it is because of God that you make it through each day, and there is no other reason.
I believe that people that ignore his suffering and skip over to the mushy part are weak. A very wise friend of mine said; Read scripture and ask what that says about God, not how it applies to you.
" Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Bullies
For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ. Jude 1:4
The topic of bullying is the big thing now in our schools. The parents are to blame if their child is a bully. They probably have that behavior themselves. They find it acceptable to tear down another person. I would say the appearance is far more important to them than the heart.
Before my sons were born it was very important to me that they valued a person's heart above appearance. They have been trained and know that it would be unacceptable to us if we found them attacking another person for not being like them. This is an ongoing training. They know that appearances can be deceiving; their mom looks well, but is ill. We never know what another is going through.
I just read an interesting post from John MacArthur regarding the charismatic movement. There are many aspects to that movement, however, he made a comment regarding how so many Christians promote tolerance, loving tones, etc, but to do not accept the truth of the gospel. Jesus was very clear that we are to confront our brothers and sisters about their sins and hold them accountable. There is great love in that. It is just like when a parent tells a child no or disciplines them for a wrong.
Humility is not a trait we are born with. Humility is a trained discipline. God has had to train my heart to show humility. He has had to confront my inability to accept my wrongs from him and others. This is not easy because it offends our pride. I have noticed over the years some profess to love Christ, but do not accept his truth very well. If they are confronted with their actions they will attack your character so theirs doesn't show. That would be a false person that is just in it for the appearance.
"having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 3:5
A few years ago my mother made a comment about someone that we know. She asked me the question why would they say they love you when their actions and words are very manipulative? Why would they lie about something as important as love? People like this use God to bully another into gaining what they want and desire. They are not a compassionate, or empathetic individual. Their desires and needs are more important.
In the book of Mark chapter 13 Jesus tells his disciples what signs he will give at the end of times. Many believe we are in the end times now, but many have believed that for thousands of years. He speaks about exposing those that are false. He exposes those that claim to be Him, or prophets. He exposes those that value the appearance above him; that is their idol. In my opinion I think he does that all the time if we are willing to see it. I also believe that God pounds his children to fall to their knees when they need it. He is unrelenting in it. He needs his children to see how they being disobedient to him and others.
Be wary of individuals that profess to love Christ, but condemn you with their actions or words if you are not like them. Ask yourself the question is what they are saying can be backed up with scripture, or is it their view of God. Those that say they are sinners, but believe they do not commit sin do not understand their very nature. They have a problem with forgiveness, and grace. They have a problem admitting that they have been wrong. They very rarely apologize. That is a bully.
"preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound[a] teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." 2 Timothy 4:2-4
The topic of bullying is the big thing now in our schools. The parents are to blame if their child is a bully. They probably have that behavior themselves. They find it acceptable to tear down another person. I would say the appearance is far more important to them than the heart.
Before my sons were born it was very important to me that they valued a person's heart above appearance. They have been trained and know that it would be unacceptable to us if we found them attacking another person for not being like them. This is an ongoing training. They know that appearances can be deceiving; their mom looks well, but is ill. We never know what another is going through.
I just read an interesting post from John MacArthur regarding the charismatic movement. There are many aspects to that movement, however, he made a comment regarding how so many Christians promote tolerance, loving tones, etc, but to do not accept the truth of the gospel. Jesus was very clear that we are to confront our brothers and sisters about their sins and hold them accountable. There is great love in that. It is just like when a parent tells a child no or disciplines them for a wrong.
Humility is not a trait we are born with. Humility is a trained discipline. God has had to train my heart to show humility. He has had to confront my inability to accept my wrongs from him and others. This is not easy because it offends our pride. I have noticed over the years some profess to love Christ, but do not accept his truth very well. If they are confronted with their actions they will attack your character so theirs doesn't show. That would be a false person that is just in it for the appearance.
"having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 3:5
A few years ago my mother made a comment about someone that we know. She asked me the question why would they say they love you when their actions and words are very manipulative? Why would they lie about something as important as love? People like this use God to bully another into gaining what they want and desire. They are not a compassionate, or empathetic individual. Their desires and needs are more important.
In the book of Mark chapter 13 Jesus tells his disciples what signs he will give at the end of times. Many believe we are in the end times now, but many have believed that for thousands of years. He speaks about exposing those that are false. He exposes those that claim to be Him, or prophets. He exposes those that value the appearance above him; that is their idol. In my opinion I think he does that all the time if we are willing to see it. I also believe that God pounds his children to fall to their knees when they need it. He is unrelenting in it. He needs his children to see how they being disobedient to him and others.
Be wary of individuals that profess to love Christ, but condemn you with their actions or words if you are not like them. Ask yourself the question is what they are saying can be backed up with scripture, or is it their view of God. Those that say they are sinners, but believe they do not commit sin do not understand their very nature. They have a problem with forgiveness, and grace. They have a problem admitting that they have been wrong. They very rarely apologize. That is a bully.
"preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound[a] teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." 2 Timothy 4:2-4
Friday, September 13, 2013
He Is Not Coward
I have not written in a very long time, or I should say I have not posted in a very long time. Yesterday, I read an article regarding some comments the Pope had given to atheists; "you don't have to believe in God to go to heaven." I am hoping that is not what he meant, because those comments would be a lie. We do not enter the gates of heaven without accepting the son. It does not matter how good your deeds are; if you deny God's existence you are choosing yourself over him.
Those words should deeply offend those that know that Jesus is the only way to the father. We are a nation that boldly fought against tyranny. We boldly fought against those that did not put God above all things. We will lose that if we do not confront it. We have become a nation of cowards when it comes to God, because so many view him as just a nice guy.
Jesus was not always kind. He boldly confronted those that were against his father. He boldly confronted those that valued the appearance more than his father. He boldly confronted those that would condemn another without searching their black hearts. He would look them in the eye when he did it. He offended our pride, arrogance and self-righteousness. We have too many that profess to love Christ that believe they do not have to change their hearts completely for him. We have too many that believe that they are not capable of sin; that is their sin.
Those words should deeply offend those that know that Jesus is the only way to the father. We are a nation that boldly fought against tyranny. We boldly fought against those that did not put God above all things. We will lose that if we do not confront it. We have become a nation of cowards when it comes to God, because so many view him as just a nice guy.
Jesus was not always kind. He boldly confronted those that were against his father. He boldly confronted those that valued the appearance more than his father. He boldly confronted those that would condemn another without searching their black hearts. He would look them in the eye when he did it. He offended our pride, arrogance and self-righteousness. We have too many that profess to love Christ that believe they do not have to change their hearts completely for him. We have too many that believe that they are not capable of sin; that is their sin.
In November of last year I prayed to God to become a Mary in a Martha world. Within 2 weeks my MS was appearing again, by February it was full blown, by April he added a mass on my liver, and increasing physical pain that was unbearable. He was removing my fear, my guilt, my pride and my arrogance; he was taken it by full force. He was reminding me daily that I did have the control any longer to decide who shared or saw my burden. He made sure that I could no longer hide it from husband. My sons finally knew their mom was sick. My parents had to accept their daughter would not heal physically the way she had before. This was my blessing and gift. For the first time since my diagnosis I have allowed him to give me rest.
He did not do it with kindness. He did it with great authority, love and discipline. I no longer could run or hide from it. In return he told me to receive, to be loved and cherished, to lose my guilt, and to love myself. On Wednesday of this week he didn't remove my MS, the mass, or the pain but he didn't give me cancer. My gratitude and worth is in him alone.
I feel sorrow and sadness for those that do not have the courage to confront their hearts and repent; believe me I understand. I feel pity for those that believe they do no wrong; only fools do that. I feel anger at those that profess the love of Christ, but are not willing to hold another up when they need it. I feel pain when I think of those that do not understand, or are unwilling to accept how strong he is. He wins in the end - always.
I have no idea how many times I have read the passion of Christ now. God was not gentle and kind in the killing of his son. He was brutal when He poured his wrath onto him, and his son took every sin of man; that is not a coward. He still does it when we confess with our mouths and humbly admit that we can not do it without him. That is his love for us. As our pastor said on Sunday; God does not wink at sin.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/boldness
He did not do it with kindness. He did it with great authority, love and discipline. I no longer could run or hide from it. In return he told me to receive, to be loved and cherished, to lose my guilt, and to love myself. On Wednesday of this week he didn't remove my MS, the mass, or the pain but he didn't give me cancer. My gratitude and worth is in him alone.
I feel sorrow and sadness for those that do not have the courage to confront their hearts and repent; believe me I understand. I feel pity for those that believe they do no wrong; only fools do that. I feel anger at those that profess the love of Christ, but are not willing to hold another up when they need it. I feel pain when I think of those that do not understand, or are unwilling to accept how strong he is. He wins in the end - always.
I have no idea how many times I have read the passion of Christ now. God was not gentle and kind in the killing of his son. He was brutal when He poured his wrath onto him, and his son took every sin of man; that is not a coward. He still does it when we confess with our mouths and humbly admit that we can not do it without him. That is his love for us. As our pastor said on Sunday; God does not wink at sin.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/boldness
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mothers and Children
As moms we tend to worry about what we aren't doing for our children, or how we have messed up in some way. We never take a moment to look at at the good things that we have taught them, or give them. I have learned a lot about my sons since January, and I have witnessed the good things that I have taught them.
From a very early age I have taught my sons that you value a person by their heart not their appearance. Actually, that is the one thing they know for sure that will bring the wrath out from their mother. They have witnessed that, and they also know their mom will defend their hearts over someones opinion of what they look like. They have to have strong hearts and minds to face this world. They have to know the truth of the world and people. They have to understand people make mistakes, but you stand by them anyway. That makes them a strong man, not a coward.
I have taught them the verse "we reap what we sow," and the amazing part is that I am receiving their kindness and love everyday because of that. They love me with all of my faults. They remind me when I forget to do something, laugh, and say it is OK mom. They remind me that I am not supposed to cuss like a sailor, or yell at talk radio. They remind me that calling someone an idiot is not nice. They remind me when I shouldn't be doing something that I am doing it, because I told them that it was wrong.
It is a blessing from God that I get to witness their beautiful hearts, and know that I played a role in that. I have been worried about my boys the most, and how they are handling this journey their mom is facing. A friend reminded me that God loves them more and can care for them far greater than I ever could. I can breathe, and give myself a break. I can trust that He has them, and what God is allowing in their mother's life will make them strong men.
They have been teaching me to just live for the day. They have been teaching me that is OK to cry. They have been teaching me to pick myself when all I really want to do is lay there. They have reminded me to give hugs and kisses just because someone needs that. They have reminded me to laugh. They have reminded to love more. They have reminded me to value what it is right in front of me. They have reminded me that their mom is beautiful.
Look at your kids and think of all the good things they do, and remember you had a part in that ladies. Remember that they laugh because you laugh. They love because you love. They hug because you hug. They kiss because you kiss. They dance because you dance. They are kind because you are kind. They say they are sorry, because you say you are sorry. Remember you are raising children that will be cherished by others, because you trained them to be incredible people. Look at them and remind yourself they are living just for day, so give yourself a break.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her children rise up and call her blessed; Proverbs 31:27-28
.
From a very early age I have taught my sons that you value a person by their heart not their appearance. Actually, that is the one thing they know for sure that will bring the wrath out from their mother. They have witnessed that, and they also know their mom will defend their hearts over someones opinion of what they look like. They have to have strong hearts and minds to face this world. They have to know the truth of the world and people. They have to understand people make mistakes, but you stand by them anyway. That makes them a strong man, not a coward.
I have taught them the verse "we reap what we sow," and the amazing part is that I am receiving their kindness and love everyday because of that. They love me with all of my faults. They remind me when I forget to do something, laugh, and say it is OK mom. They remind me that I am not supposed to cuss like a sailor, or yell at talk radio. They remind me that calling someone an idiot is not nice. They remind me when I shouldn't be doing something that I am doing it, because I told them that it was wrong.
It is a blessing from God that I get to witness their beautiful hearts, and know that I played a role in that. I have been worried about my boys the most, and how they are handling this journey their mom is facing. A friend reminded me that God loves them more and can care for them far greater than I ever could. I can breathe, and give myself a break. I can trust that He has them, and what God is allowing in their mother's life will make them strong men.
They have been teaching me to just live for the day. They have been teaching me that is OK to cry. They have been teaching me to pick myself when all I really want to do is lay there. They have reminded me to give hugs and kisses just because someone needs that. They have reminded me to laugh. They have reminded to love more. They have reminded me to value what it is right in front of me. They have reminded me that their mom is beautiful.
Look at your kids and think of all the good things they do, and remember you had a part in that ladies. Remember that they laugh because you laugh. They love because you love. They hug because you hug. They kiss because you kiss. They dance because you dance. They are kind because you are kind. They say they are sorry, because you say you are sorry. Remember you are raising children that will be cherished by others, because you trained them to be incredible people. Look at them and remind yourself they are living just for day, so give yourself a break.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her children rise up and call her blessed; Proverbs 31:27-28
.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Loving Yourself
I finally broke down yesterday about everything that has been going on. I spoke with one of our pastors and it was an eye-opening experience for me. He said you are great at loving god and your neighbor, but what about yourself. I am not good at that at all, and I am not good at accepting that from others. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life.
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
For years out of guilt and pride I have punished myself for being sick. There is still a part of myself that feels as though I am being punished for my past last life with my MS. A christian told me once the devil gave me this disease not God. Satan punishes not God. Satan has done a very good job of reminding me of that past life, so I don't allow myself to believe that God forgave me. Actually, now that I think about it, it pisses me off that I have been playing that game with him for years. I view my MS sometimes as a weakness instead of remembering that it was the gift that brought me to him. I did nothing wrong to have been given this.
For so many years I have worried about how this would affect those around me without thinking about what I needed. I couldn't bring myself to say I don't feel good today, or I just can't do that. I do so many things for my sons and husband, because of the guilt of not being able to do more physically. I don't allow my husband to carry the burden with me when God commanded him to the moment we were married. I have run the risk of alienating those close to me because of my fear of not being able to be there for them. I am so sorry for that. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
I was stumped when my pastor asked what I needed. I had no idea what to say. My thought process is that would be selfish to think about myself. It is selfish that I don't love myself and delight in myself the way God does. He wants me to cherish what he made, and be have joy for the gifts that he has given me. I am in awe that a wonderful, beautiful father took the time do that 38 years ago.
When I look in the mirror now I see a woman in great pain. I see a woman that is very tired and overwhelmed. I see a woman that has not allowed herself for so long to think about her own needs. No one can keep up with that. Sooner or later God reminds you that you can't. He reminds you that it is OK to admit that you are in need.
I will now have to have courage to say I can't do that for you, or carry that weight for you. I think maybe that his why he allowed the MS to return with a vengeance this time, and now a new illness that is unknown. He saying it is OK to use it now, and not feel ashamed that you have to sometimes. I thought about my conversation with our pastor all day yesterday, and felt such gratitude for his words through the Holy Spirit. I felt such gratitude towards God for saying I have this and you don't have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about those around me, because he has them in his hands. I don't have to feel guilt for saying no.
In our culture I think we believe that we aren't good people if we don't constantly give. We have the fear of how others will view us if we say no. We have the fear that we will hurt someones feelings or offend them. God does not want us to feel guilt for saying what we need to do and not do. We are one of his children just as much as the next person. He wants us to love and cherish others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process. He made each one of us to be warriors for his word, and part of that is sometimes saying no. The truth is if the other person has a problem with that is on them not you.
I had to admit to myself yesterday that I wished could go back to December and put my health first. I had to admit that I should have allowed myself all these years to say there were times where my body could not do something. I had to admit that for years I pushed myself to control something that was never in my control. I had to admit for the very first time that I had needs as well.
I allowed this to happen and I allowed others to do it with me. I allowed myself on many occasions to have my good heart be taken advantage of, because I thought had to. In all of his glory and patience he finally said you don't need to do this for me, and I am delighted in who you are. He made a beautiful woman, and He wants her to value herself as much as she does others.
What a beautiful God we have that he allows his children the freedom to take satisfaction in themselves for who they are. We are to forgive ourselves for our failings just as he forgives us, and move forward. I am in awe that he that me forgave me and I need to remember that he did. I am to love myself the way he loves me. We all need to do that. It is amazing that over the last few months He has made sure that others say how they feel about me - I just I have to believeit, and say thank you. He has said remember you are loved and cherished by me and others.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
Monday, May 6, 2013
Facing What Is In Our Hearts
Yesterday the sermon at our church was a powerful reminder of hope and courage. As a nation we live in the now, and forget as Christians that this is in God's plan. He knew of these things long before we did, but he gave us hope for the future that these things would pass if we believed in the promise of a new world. We are to wait for the bigger picture to be revealed. The outcome is always better than the trial.
As Christians we should know that these horrors of the world all go back to chapter 6 of Genesis; the fall. God placed the world in bondage for our sins. We would always know about evil, pain and suffering, because of a piece of fruit. God allows sin, because Adam and Eve chose to disobey. We can blame everyone else around us for our suffering, but fail to see that we are sinners just as much them. We choose to run just like Jonah did, but God caught Jonah
While I was in the hospital last week I was waiting to undergo an endoscopy. In the next room a man was so angry. He was angry that he had to suffer, to wait, to endure an illness. He kept yelling at the nurse that was trying to find out why he was sick. He was belittling her with insults and rage. He was angry that she had to care for others and not just him. His focus was just on himself and not that there were those around him that were also suffering. I felt such sadness for his heart. I felt sadness for the nurse that was trying to help.
Our selfishness is showing more and more, and we are angry that we don't get what we want. This man was ill, but if you look around even the smallest of problems creates this type of anger. We believe as Christians that we no longer have sin. We become prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous. We forget as Christians that we still have a sinful nature and are capable of committing the smallest of sins daily. We have not that God is waiting for us to learn humility. We resent the fact that people won't act and do the things we think they should do.
A few years ago a Christian told me that we should not share our private lives after reading a posting on this blog. That is not biblical. We should share and connect as believers so we can hold each other up through our trials. We should share so another can tell us what we are doing wrong, and to seek the father. A true sign of believer is someone that can humbly admit that they played a role in the problem. They can accept the rebuke or correction from a fellow believer, and try to overcome that failing. It takes great courage and strength to admit that we may be wrong.
As I grow in my relationship with God I realize that I respect individuals more for having the courage to face their trials and sufferings head on. I find I respect individuals that admit they fail far more than the ones that pretend they do nothing wrong. I find the ones than can admit they are wrong to be far stronger individuals. They have faith and believe that the father will help them and put others in their lives to give them strength. I find ones that understand their sinful nature and sins to be far greater followers of Christ.
If we choose to ignore our realities this is our choice, and we are to blame. If we choose our wants over those we love we are selfish. If we choose our busyness over friends he questions your faith. If we choose to believe that we never have to give up our desires, our wants for another we have missed why Christ came. If we choose to live with bitterness and resentment we do not understand grace, mercy or forgiveness. We make the choice to live our lives only thinking about ourselves, and resent those we profess love that ask to change. We should not be shocked when they very people love have no desire to change for us. We should not be shocked at all that they don't trust us. We choose to make someone feel guilty, and use love against them to gain what want without thought to what we are doing to them.
I have been given the gift illness to make me stronger in him. I don't see it as punishment I see it as a blessing to learn more about what is in my heart that makes him weep. The gifts through this have been far greater than I could have ever imagined. My marriage is healing, and my heart is softening. I love more and cherish more. I am finding out that I am loved and cherished for who I am. I am witnessing the Holy Spirit everyday through others. I am seeing the miracles that God grants when we begin to trust him and others more. Those are blessings and gifts that I am grateful for. When we learn to lose ourselves in him we begin to see what we have been missing, or ignoring.
As Christians we should know that these horrors of the world all go back to chapter 6 of Genesis; the fall. God placed the world in bondage for our sins. We would always know about evil, pain and suffering, because of a piece of fruit. God allows sin, because Adam and Eve chose to disobey. We can blame everyone else around us for our suffering, but fail to see that we are sinners just as much them. We choose to run just like Jonah did, but God caught Jonah
While I was in the hospital last week I was waiting to undergo an endoscopy. In the next room a man was so angry. He was angry that he had to suffer, to wait, to endure an illness. He kept yelling at the nurse that was trying to find out why he was sick. He was belittling her with insults and rage. He was angry that she had to care for others and not just him. His focus was just on himself and not that there were those around him that were also suffering. I felt such sadness for his heart. I felt sadness for the nurse that was trying to help.
Our selfishness is showing more and more, and we are angry that we don't get what we want. This man was ill, but if you look around even the smallest of problems creates this type of anger. We believe as Christians that we no longer have sin. We become prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous. We forget as Christians that we still have a sinful nature and are capable of committing the smallest of sins daily. We have not that God is waiting for us to learn humility. We resent the fact that people won't act and do the things we think they should do.
A few years ago a Christian told me that we should not share our private lives after reading a posting on this blog. That is not biblical. We should share and connect as believers so we can hold each other up through our trials. We should share so another can tell us what we are doing wrong, and to seek the father. A true sign of believer is someone that can humbly admit that they played a role in the problem. They can accept the rebuke or correction from a fellow believer, and try to overcome that failing. It takes great courage and strength to admit that we may be wrong.
As I grow in my relationship with God I realize that I respect individuals more for having the courage to face their trials and sufferings head on. I find I respect individuals that admit they fail far more than the ones that pretend they do nothing wrong. I find the ones than can admit they are wrong to be far stronger individuals. They have faith and believe that the father will help them and put others in their lives to give them strength. I find ones that understand their sinful nature and sins to be far greater followers of Christ.
If we choose to ignore our realities this is our choice, and we are to blame. If we choose our wants over those we love we are selfish. If we choose our busyness over friends he questions your faith. If we choose to believe that we never have to give up our desires, our wants for another we have missed why Christ came. If we choose to live with bitterness and resentment we do not understand grace, mercy or forgiveness. We make the choice to live our lives only thinking about ourselves, and resent those we profess love that ask to change. We should not be shocked when they very people love have no desire to change for us. We should not be shocked at all that they don't trust us. We choose to make someone feel guilty, and use love against them to gain what want without thought to what we are doing to them.
I have been given the gift illness to make me stronger in him. I don't see it as punishment I see it as a blessing to learn more about what is in my heart that makes him weep. The gifts through this have been far greater than I could have ever imagined. My marriage is healing, and my heart is softening. I love more and cherish more. I am finding out that I am loved and cherished for who I am. I am witnessing the Holy Spirit everyday through others. I am seeing the miracles that God grants when we begin to trust him and others more. Those are blessings and gifts that I am grateful for. When we learn to lose ourselves in him we begin to see what we have been missing, or ignoring.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)