Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own, way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This is the verse where we tend to gravitate towards the love part, and forgot the sin part. I need to remember that he is love, and that he bears all things for us - I can't do that. One of our pastors said something Wednesday that is very true; we do not understand the depth of our sin. Satan loves to hit me with my sins. He loves reminding me of how sinful I am. He loves telling me I need to take on burdens of everyone around me so they know that I love them. I am trying to do what Jesus did on the cross - take on all the sins of the ones I love without any regard to how that spiritually and physically will make me sick. I have enough of my own to deal with.
Yesterday, I went in to have a counseling session with one of our pastors and this verse came up. He read the verse and pointed out the sins that I was doing from our discussion. The Holy Spirit is working in us when we don't even realize it. I was studying this verse in the early hours of the morning before I went in. He gave me examples with my actions of how I was doing those sins. Now the hard part begins of training myself out of those habits so God will stop weeping for me. I am hurting the father that saved my heart.
I am not a patient person. I am not always so kind. I insist that I can sacrifice my heart for others, and I do it everyday. I keep saying to God just give it to me; I can handle what your son did on the cross. That is delusional. Satan is nurturing that part of me that God is punishing me for my sins with my MS. When I was diagnosed I believed he was punishing me, and I still do. I realized that for almost 12 years I still believe that, and I have dug myself in hole. I did that to myself not God. I have done it so well that I am begging him to return me to how it was 3 months ago when I was physically and emotionally trying to control it. This time around he is saying; "not this time babe."
On Wednesday I sat in my doctor's office staring at my MRI scans and the visual reality of the MS. I was staring at the little white lesion on my spinal cord that my doctor and I know wasn't there 3 years ago. I am used to seeing the ones on my brain, however I have never had one on my spinal cord. That is the one tearing me apart. We don't know if it popped up last year, the year before, or this year. I was standing outside waiting for my car in a state of shock. At that moment I heard him saying you have no control it is mine. I know he will pound me with his truth and he is doing pretty good job; the good and the bad. I don't always listen and I am stubborn.
During this session he told me what he had said to my husband; your wife loves you so much that she would take on yours sins and hers for your salvation. I think my sweet husband was in shock. I would do it for him, and my sons in heartbeat. I really do not believe that I don't deserve him for marrying me when he knew I was sick. I am in awe that God gave me my boys knowing I was sick. I can't stop myself from putting burdens on my shoulders and heart that God never asked me to do. I have no idea how I am going to get through this without God. I am scared of facing this with him, and letting go of so much.
I know that people that love me have been praying for me to break, and stop. God is so good that during this he not only has shown my sins, but has shown what he delights in. He has shown me how others love me even though I feel I don't deserve it. He has shown me how much he loves me, and he isn't going to let me go. I am not a vain person about appearance. I have no problem with just throwing on clothes and going. I very rarely wear make-up. I don't want to be seen for my appearance. I don't want to become conceited in my looks. I am very messy and that is a reflection of my heart; messy. Years ago a friend said to me "you have no idea what you look like do you?" I asked what are you talking about? She said you are so beautiful, and don't even know it. I have to admit that God did an ok job. I need to remember that he sees the beauty in my heart and the physical beauty that he created. I am not a receiver. I am a taker; I will take and take until I can take no more so I fall.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Marriage
"The Bible says that what is most important in a good marriage is love for God overruling love for self. What is really important in a good marriage is the pursuit of the needs of others rather than your own. What really matters is having a submissive heart that cares more about the other, true spiritual joy, gratitude, devotion to God and His Kingdom and His purposes and His glory, true holiness, obedience to Scripture." John MacArthur
I will give a you hint; biblical marriage is the correct way. Paul spoke a great deal about the Christian marriage. God views marriage as one of the most sacred of covenants. In Ephesians 5 Paul explains the submission of our hearts to one another. It is about sacrifice of our wants for each other the moment we become one. God killed his son. That was his sacrifice, and do we really believe that he wanted to do that? He had to do it so he didn't wipe us out for our selfishness, and unwillingness to accept his authority. If we don't sacrifice in our marriages we will never understand his love.
I remembered a yelling match between my dad and I during my tyrannical, teenage years. I wanted something, and it was causing problems between my dad and step mom. My dad looked in my eyes, and very firmly said "your step mom comes before you." When I got married my dad said "remember no one comes above your husband. If your mom, or I do you tell us to "f" off even if we are right." He said no one comes above your husband; not your parents, not your children, not your friends." My parents are very good about not involving themselves in our marriage. There have only been a few times where I have had to stop them from interfering. They were right, but they don't have that authority any longer my life. I adore my parents, and I so grateful that god made me their child.
I always learn something from my attacks. It is usually about how I am denying his authority in areas of my heart that I don't always see, or I have ignored for far too long. This attack has done it's damage physically and emotionally. One of our pastor's wives said "you are not a good receiver (she hit the nail on the head)." The interesting part is if I know that you are a true follower of Christ I can handle the rebuke, however if I suspect that you aren't I don't handle it very well. Also, I have a very hard time believing that I am loved and cherished. God loves you because he made you. We don't deserve that love, and we never will. False doctrine teaches you that you do, and you really don't. There is nothing we can do in our works that can be enough. We have to live on the faith that he does, and he will forgive when we repent. It makes me weep of how loved I am by him, and that I don't deserve it. I am in a beautiful love affair with Christ, and so very grateful for his gift.
I thought about that statement and why she was right; I have trust issues. I trust Him to love, cherish, protect and give mercy, but people not so much. At the ripe old age of 8 when my parents divorced I learned how to guard my heart and not trust. Divorce trains our children not to trust. Our selfish desire not to stand by each other in good times and bad destroys our children's hearts. The hard part will be for our children is to break that cycle - going the opposite direction. The other part is when we are indifferent to our spouses needs or wants we train our children to be selfish in their marriages. So many in the baby boomer generation got it wrong, and now look at our nation. The below verse is how God will view our children and we don't want that for our children. This verse is not just about money.
"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8
The first year of marriage was the worst year. I realized in the last couple of weeks that I have held on to a great deal of resentment and anger from that first year. So many people told us to divorce, and they were Christians. We almost did. So many accused me of not loving my husband, because of actions or words. I was so very angry, and sad that I was given a disease that physically could force me not to walk. My husband was so very depressed that he had been laid off, and he could not provide for us. Because of those words and actions by others the wall came up, and my guilt of this beautiful man having to carry this burden has nearly destroyed my heart, and health. I denied the authority of God right at that moment, and my dad's words of allowing others in. I am responsible for that to God. I fear him above others, and that is the way it should be.
God pulled the rug out from under us big time beginning right before Thanksgiving. He slammed us with the reality of a disease, and he wanted us to see that we are one. I have no right to deny my husband's care for me. I have no right to do that, because he is a man. That is a man's job and responsibility to do that. God created husbands do that, and if women do not allow that you are denying God's role for you. It says a lot about our faith in how we hold each other up in the small things and the big things. It says a lot about your faith in what you allow in to one of His most sacred of gifts. The intention of others may be good, but sometimes those intentions cause massive problems or division. Those intentions could destroy a marriage. Individuals that do that need to remember He will hold you accountable to it.
It has taken me 11 years and a very bad attack to deal with this. This time around I am more willing to trust that God will give me the strength, no matter how hard it is to face. His love and mercy is already working. The Holy Spirit is cradling my husband and I. The day I was told there was a possibility that I had MS, and they would have to do one more test was one of the hardest. It was also one of the greatest days in my relationship with my husband. We clung to each other that entire day without interruption. We cried with sorrow and fear, but the love was overwhelming. We got that back after years of damaging each other, and God reminded us of that. A disease that nearly destroyed us will always bring us back together, because we are one. I have to let my husband do his role, because God made him for that. We always have to hold ourselves accountable to it. Women have a great deal of power remember that. Remember Eve.
Christian parents have a responsibility to train their daughters and sons in biblical marriage. My husband and I have a huge responsibility of training our sons to be men. Our actions in our marriage will train them in how they will be married. If we don't sacrifice for one another they won't do that in theirs. This feel good doctrine, the "me only" doctrine has destroyed this nation, and families. I hope that we have the strength to face that. We have denied his authority, and I pray that we have we are able to handle really hard times ahead. We can't ignore our problems, trials or hardships...He will push them out.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33
I will give a you hint; biblical marriage is the correct way. Paul spoke a great deal about the Christian marriage. God views marriage as one of the most sacred of covenants. In Ephesians 5 Paul explains the submission of our hearts to one another. It is about sacrifice of our wants for each other the moment we become one. God killed his son. That was his sacrifice, and do we really believe that he wanted to do that? He had to do it so he didn't wipe us out for our selfishness, and unwillingness to accept his authority. If we don't sacrifice in our marriages we will never understand his love.
I remembered a yelling match between my dad and I during my tyrannical, teenage years. I wanted something, and it was causing problems between my dad and step mom. My dad looked in my eyes, and very firmly said "your step mom comes before you." When I got married my dad said "remember no one comes above your husband. If your mom, or I do you tell us to "f" off even if we are right." He said no one comes above your husband; not your parents, not your children, not your friends." My parents are very good about not involving themselves in our marriage. There have only been a few times where I have had to stop them from interfering. They were right, but they don't have that authority any longer my life. I adore my parents, and I so grateful that god made me their child.
I always learn something from my attacks. It is usually about how I am denying his authority in areas of my heart that I don't always see, or I have ignored for far too long. This attack has done it's damage physically and emotionally. One of our pastor's wives said "you are not a good receiver (she hit the nail on the head)." The interesting part is if I know that you are a true follower of Christ I can handle the rebuke, however if I suspect that you aren't I don't handle it very well. Also, I have a very hard time believing that I am loved and cherished. God loves you because he made you. We don't deserve that love, and we never will. False doctrine teaches you that you do, and you really don't. There is nothing we can do in our works that can be enough. We have to live on the faith that he does, and he will forgive when we repent. It makes me weep of how loved I am by him, and that I don't deserve it. I am in a beautiful love affair with Christ, and so very grateful for his gift.
I thought about that statement and why she was right; I have trust issues. I trust Him to love, cherish, protect and give mercy, but people not so much. At the ripe old age of 8 when my parents divorced I learned how to guard my heart and not trust. Divorce trains our children not to trust. Our selfish desire not to stand by each other in good times and bad destroys our children's hearts. The hard part will be for our children is to break that cycle - going the opposite direction. The other part is when we are indifferent to our spouses needs or wants we train our children to be selfish in their marriages. So many in the baby boomer generation got it wrong, and now look at our nation. The below verse is how God will view our children and we don't want that for our children. This verse is not just about money.
"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8
The first year of marriage was the worst year. I realized in the last couple of weeks that I have held on to a great deal of resentment and anger from that first year. So many people told us to divorce, and they were Christians. We almost did. So many accused me of not loving my husband, because of actions or words. I was so very angry, and sad that I was given a disease that physically could force me not to walk. My husband was so very depressed that he had been laid off, and he could not provide for us. Because of those words and actions by others the wall came up, and my guilt of this beautiful man having to carry this burden has nearly destroyed my heart, and health. I denied the authority of God right at that moment, and my dad's words of allowing others in. I am responsible for that to God. I fear him above others, and that is the way it should be.
God pulled the rug out from under us big time beginning right before Thanksgiving. He slammed us with the reality of a disease, and he wanted us to see that we are one. I have no right to deny my husband's care for me. I have no right to do that, because he is a man. That is a man's job and responsibility to do that. God created husbands do that, and if women do not allow that you are denying God's role for you. It says a lot about our faith in how we hold each other up in the small things and the big things. It says a lot about your faith in what you allow in to one of His most sacred of gifts. The intention of others may be good, but sometimes those intentions cause massive problems or division. Those intentions could destroy a marriage. Individuals that do that need to remember He will hold you accountable to it.
It has taken me 11 years and a very bad attack to deal with this. This time around I am more willing to trust that God will give me the strength, no matter how hard it is to face. His love and mercy is already working. The Holy Spirit is cradling my husband and I. The day I was told there was a possibility that I had MS, and they would have to do one more test was one of the hardest. It was also one of the greatest days in my relationship with my husband. We clung to each other that entire day without interruption. We cried with sorrow and fear, but the love was overwhelming. We got that back after years of damaging each other, and God reminded us of that. A disease that nearly destroyed us will always bring us back together, because we are one. I have to let my husband do his role, because God made him for that. We always have to hold ourselves accountable to it. Women have a great deal of power remember that. Remember Eve.
Christian parents have a responsibility to train their daughters and sons in biblical marriage. My husband and I have a huge responsibility of training our sons to be men. Our actions in our marriage will train them in how they will be married. If we don't sacrifice for one another they won't do that in theirs. This feel good doctrine, the "me only" doctrine has destroyed this nation, and families. I hope that we have the strength to face that. We have denied his authority, and I pray that we have we are able to handle really hard times ahead. We can't ignore our problems, trials or hardships...He will push them out.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
change
"What really matters is having a submissive heart that cares more about the other, true spiritual joy, gratitude, devotion to God and His Kingdom and His purposes and His glory, true holiness, obedience to Scripture." John MacArthur
my mom gave me a card yesterday that is not normal for her; she cried and i cried. we are not a sappy, love kind of family. my parents are the type of people that actions speak louder than words type of folk. you have to earn words like that from them. they have given a lot to others over the years and they expect that from their children. actions speak much louder than words with them. they have been known to call people out to their faces, including their children, for what their true motives are, and people didn't like it so much. they have made mistakes over the years, but they have owned up to them. not many people do that.
i am not good at receiving love from others. actually, it is driving me crazy right now. god forces us out of our comfort zone for the better. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't even like hearing thank you from others. when he gave me his gift my responsibility was to become the above. his glory is the most important thing not anything else. i am learning a huge lesson about the verse "we reap what we sow." it is making me very uncomfortable, but apparently he thought i needed it. i am having a very hard time accepting it emotionally. physically i have no choice. the only reason why is because i feel like i have not done enough for him and others. i am trying to accept that i will never be able to do that. i am having to give up some things that i would like to do for him and that makes me sad. it is the difference of knowing what he wants us to do and what we want to do.
i can't plan for anything anymore. we can't plan and in a society where everything has to be planned it is a shock to the system. we literally are becoming the family that just takes it one day at a time. god is constantly changing his children. he is constantly saying change for me, and i am starting to see that people aren't so willing to really do that in this beautiful nation we live in, because it makes them uncomfortable. i am starting to see that people do not want to be removed from their comfort zones. my question is why do we care so much about what others are doing and not about the fact that god is showing is authority. do we not see that we need to repent for a whole bunch of stuff?
i wonder if people realize they are destroying their relationship with him by ignoring the fact you have to change for him. i am not saying that you will lose your salvation, however i wonder if you truly had it to begin with. the things we are saying are not sins are pretty big ones. it takes a lot of courage to face and admit that we may be wrong about what we are doing. we may be wrong in how we view god. scripture is what it is, we can't change it, and the individuals in our lives that speak his truth are the ones we need to listen to. they are telling the truth because they love you, because they were saved by him. his glory is the only thing that should be of value to us. his wants, his desires, his beauty, his love is what is the most valuable. that reflects in our lives.
i read a posting about why our children leave the church after high school; it isn't real. they can't handle the real world. they can't handle it when people tell them no, and god does not give them everything they want. they have grown up in the tradition that god is only love, but he never has wrath when we ignore his authority. they don't understand their sinful natures. they don't understand what it means to be his. our pastor said something a while ago about christians that have not be baptized (i am talking about how jesus was baptized, matthew 3:13-17, not infant baptism); they have a problem with authority. jesus showed us how to be baptized and we still argue that infant baptism is the right way. we have a problem with the way he tells how to do something. i have a problem with that.
i have never in my life felt so much love as i have the last month from him and others. i let a wall down that he needed me to let go of, but it will take time. it is much easier to live that way instead of fighting all the time. we have to start showing people what it means to be his children. out of our love for him we have to learn how to accept what we may be doing is wrong. we have to stay woundable and open to the fact that we need his salvation, his love, his grace, his mercy first in our lives.
22 to put off your old self,[a] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24
i appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:1-2
my mom gave me a card yesterday that is not normal for her; she cried and i cried. we are not a sappy, love kind of family. my parents are the type of people that actions speak louder than words type of folk. you have to earn words like that from them. they have given a lot to others over the years and they expect that from their children. actions speak much louder than words with them. they have been known to call people out to their faces, including their children, for what their true motives are, and people didn't like it so much. they have made mistakes over the years, but they have owned up to them. not many people do that.
i am not good at receiving love from others. actually, it is driving me crazy right now. god forces us out of our comfort zone for the better. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't even like hearing thank you from others. when he gave me his gift my responsibility was to become the above. his glory is the most important thing not anything else. i am learning a huge lesson about the verse "we reap what we sow." it is making me very uncomfortable, but apparently he thought i needed it. i am having a very hard time accepting it emotionally. physically i have no choice. the only reason why is because i feel like i have not done enough for him and others. i am trying to accept that i will never be able to do that. i am having to give up some things that i would like to do for him and that makes me sad. it is the difference of knowing what he wants us to do and what we want to do.
i can't plan for anything anymore. we can't plan and in a society where everything has to be planned it is a shock to the system. we literally are becoming the family that just takes it one day at a time. god is constantly changing his children. he is constantly saying change for me, and i am starting to see that people aren't so willing to really do that in this beautiful nation we live in, because it makes them uncomfortable. i am starting to see that people do not want to be removed from their comfort zones. my question is why do we care so much about what others are doing and not about the fact that god is showing is authority. do we not see that we need to repent for a whole bunch of stuff?
i wonder if people realize they are destroying their relationship with him by ignoring the fact you have to change for him. i am not saying that you will lose your salvation, however i wonder if you truly had it to begin with. the things we are saying are not sins are pretty big ones. it takes a lot of courage to face and admit that we may be wrong about what we are doing. we may be wrong in how we view god. scripture is what it is, we can't change it, and the individuals in our lives that speak his truth are the ones we need to listen to. they are telling the truth because they love you, because they were saved by him. his glory is the only thing that should be of value to us. his wants, his desires, his beauty, his love is what is the most valuable. that reflects in our lives.
i read a posting about why our children leave the church after high school; it isn't real. they can't handle the real world. they can't handle it when people tell them no, and god does not give them everything they want. they have grown up in the tradition that god is only love, but he never has wrath when we ignore his authority. they don't understand their sinful natures. they don't understand what it means to be his. our pastor said something a while ago about christians that have not be baptized (i am talking about how jesus was baptized, matthew 3:13-17, not infant baptism); they have a problem with authority. jesus showed us how to be baptized and we still argue that infant baptism is the right way. we have a problem with the way he tells how to do something. i have a problem with that.
i have never in my life felt so much love as i have the last month from him and others. i let a wall down that he needed me to let go of, but it will take time. it is much easier to live that way instead of fighting all the time. we have to start showing people what it means to be his children. out of our love for him we have to learn how to accept what we may be doing is wrong. we have to stay woundable and open to the fact that we need his salvation, his love, his grace, his mercy first in our lives.
22 to put off your old self,[a] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24
i appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:1-2
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Finding Peace with His Authority
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King Jr.
The MS has done it's damage now. My husband, my boys and I will have to accept the new challenges. I have great peace about it, because my husband and I are clinging to each other. My boys get to see that and that is part of the gift. They will understand what marriage is supposed to be. My husband being a man wants to fix it and he can't. We have had to accept what we have always known could be a possibility, because now it is here. That is the ironic part; even though we know the truth it doesn't mean we always accept it.
My sweet mama yesterday asked if I had spoken with my doctor about getting better. I told her "mom, I am getting better but it won't be the same anymore. I won't be what I was 2 months ago, and my doctor can't fix it, she can only get me to where I can live with what it is now." Pray for my mom this will be hard for her. Pray for my daddy he is having to go through the same thing. Part of my strength comes from them. I thank God that they always made their children face the reality of the world.
A friend came over and we were talking about our lives. In the course of the conversation she asked if I was angry with God about this, and I said no. I can't be angry with God for giving me this disease that brought me to him and always brings me closer to him. Sure, I am little annoyed because I don't believe for a moment that our circumstance should ever be used not to do something. I think that individuals that are not willing to change for God and the ones they profess to love are delusional. I don't care how hard it is because all that shows is your lack of faith, and selfishness. This idea that you don't have to change is a joke. Someone has taught you that you just have to sit around, and not do anything. God isn't going to just magically change your heart without any work from you. If you are denying to yourself and others that you don't have to change there seems to be a disconnect about what it means to be a christian.
A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Trying to protect those around me about this disease, sugar coat it, or try to control it is gone. I can't control something I have no control over. We can't do that, and that is denying his authority which is a sin. I have done a very good job of it, and I am tired of doing it. I have given a lot - far more than I needed to. It wasn't my job, and I can't do it anymore. The harshness of it is that if people don't want to deal with it that is their issue not mine.
The beauty and gift of this is that my marriage is healing. My boys get to see the holy spirit work in the individuals that have been helping us, and what it means to love god so much that we are willing to help one another. They will know that God does not heal all illness, that there is real pain and suffering, and there is fear. They will be able to discern real Christians from the fake ones, and be able to call them out on it. They will know that God is greater, has bigger shoulders and we are to glorify him through all of it. I don't even have to tell them, because they get to see God working in our lives everyday. They get to see that he sustains us each day, and that they are not always going to get what they want or feel they deserve out of life.
It is a very real journey for them, and that is what God is about; truth. They will have the ability to sacrifice for God and others without any regard to themselves. They will know that they have to be willing to uphold their wives and children. They will have to give parts of themselves up for their families. That whole feel good preaching that so many do will not apply in their lives, because they will now that it isn't real. They will find out that God does tell them the truth, and they will have to face their trials head on - they have no choice. They won't always do what is right, but hey they will know that God will help them get through it.
I am so grateful for this attack. I am so grateful to him for what he has given us. We have not for a moment not felt his love and mercy. We have gotten to see the holy spirit working constantly around us, and it is beautiful. I am so very blessed that he gave me this, because I needed it. I have learned just how cherished and loved I am by him, and others. I have learned that he can strip everything away in a moment, and force you to see what it is right of you; the good and the bad. He asked if I was willing, and I am willing. If you pray for that I hope you have strong enough faith to face everything that it is your heart, because you are going to need it.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
The MS has done it's damage now. My husband, my boys and I will have to accept the new challenges. I have great peace about it, because my husband and I are clinging to each other. My boys get to see that and that is part of the gift. They will understand what marriage is supposed to be. My husband being a man wants to fix it and he can't. We have had to accept what we have always known could be a possibility, because now it is here. That is the ironic part; even though we know the truth it doesn't mean we always accept it.
My sweet mama yesterday asked if I had spoken with my doctor about getting better. I told her "mom, I am getting better but it won't be the same anymore. I won't be what I was 2 months ago, and my doctor can't fix it, she can only get me to where I can live with what it is now." Pray for my mom this will be hard for her. Pray for my daddy he is having to go through the same thing. Part of my strength comes from them. I thank God that they always made their children face the reality of the world.
A friend came over and we were talking about our lives. In the course of the conversation she asked if I was angry with God about this, and I said no. I can't be angry with God for giving me this disease that brought me to him and always brings me closer to him. Sure, I am little annoyed because I don't believe for a moment that our circumstance should ever be used not to do something. I think that individuals that are not willing to change for God and the ones they profess to love are delusional. I don't care how hard it is because all that shows is your lack of faith, and selfishness. This idea that you don't have to change is a joke. Someone has taught you that you just have to sit around, and not do anything. God isn't going to just magically change your heart without any work from you. If you are denying to yourself and others that you don't have to change there seems to be a disconnect about what it means to be a christian.
A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Trying to protect those around me about this disease, sugar coat it, or try to control it is gone. I can't control something I have no control over. We can't do that, and that is denying his authority which is a sin. I have done a very good job of it, and I am tired of doing it. I have given a lot - far more than I needed to. It wasn't my job, and I can't do it anymore. The harshness of it is that if people don't want to deal with it that is their issue not mine.
The beauty and gift of this is that my marriage is healing. My boys get to see the holy spirit work in the individuals that have been helping us, and what it means to love god so much that we are willing to help one another. They will know that God does not heal all illness, that there is real pain and suffering, and there is fear. They will be able to discern real Christians from the fake ones, and be able to call them out on it. They will know that God is greater, has bigger shoulders and we are to glorify him through all of it. I don't even have to tell them, because they get to see God working in our lives everyday. They get to see that he sustains us each day, and that they are not always going to get what they want or feel they deserve out of life.
It is a very real journey for them, and that is what God is about; truth. They will have the ability to sacrifice for God and others without any regard to themselves. They will know that they have to be willing to uphold their wives and children. They will have to give parts of themselves up for their families. That whole feel good preaching that so many do will not apply in their lives, because they will now that it isn't real. They will find out that God does tell them the truth, and they will have to face their trials head on - they have no choice. They won't always do what is right, but hey they will know that God will help them get through it.
I am so grateful for this attack. I am so grateful to him for what he has given us. We have not for a moment not felt his love and mercy. We have gotten to see the holy spirit working constantly around us, and it is beautiful. I am so very blessed that he gave me this, because I needed it. I have learned just how cherished and loved I am by him, and others. I have learned that he can strip everything away in a moment, and force you to see what it is right of you; the good and the bad. He asked if I was willing, and I am willing. If you pray for that I hope you have strong enough faith to face everything that it is your heart, because you are going to need it.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
Friday, February 22, 2013
Mercy
Mercy is my new prayer. I have been asking for prayers of mercy for myself and my family. I have been praying for us to have merciful hearts towards one another during this time. I have been praying for us to show and give mercy just as God does for us. Through all of this it has been about giving myself mercy and others. It has been realizing that we are connected as one and we need to give each other a break. We need to learn how to be merciful and we are not a merciful people.
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossiasns 3:13
I have had to admit that I was so overwhelmed to the point that my body and my mind could not handle anymore. When we try to carry the load of so many it becomes overwhelming. God gave me a chance to relent and just break. We realize that we have absolutely no control over certain things in our life, and he will carry it not us. The irony of this attack is it is the 11 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. The MS has now changed, and I will have to admit that physically, or emotionally I can't do everything that I did before. It will take a great deal of courage for me to slow down and admit that I can't carry it all on my shoulders. God has bigger shoulders.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
The side effects of the meds are starting to wear off. I still have another week of treatment, but the actual damage of the disease can be felt. I know that it is different this time - I can feel it. There will be no cure and my illness is not going away. My husband can't fix it, my boys, my parents and my doctor. They are seeing it now and there is a sense of mourning and sadness with it that is ok to feel. I will have to stop saying I can when I can't anymore. I can't worry anymore about how that will affect others, and have to allow them to just deal with it. I can't apologize about it anymore. I can't worry if they think that I am being a selfish mother and wife. Having guilt for something that you can't control has to go. The burden I have allowed myself to carry for so long alone will have to go, because God is telling me you can't carry it anymore.
God could take it, but he won't. I can't be angry about a disease that brought me to him. My boys will now know that all illness is not cured. They will know that there is pain and suffering. They will understand that there is fear, and their parents can't always make it stop. They will know that life has big trials and their parents are human. They will understand that sometimes people can't give everything away without a consequence. They will understand sacrifice and be better men for it. Right now they just want a normal day to return. It is hard for me to tell them "mom, is sick and I can't do that right now." It breaks my heart for them, but the lesson learned is they will be able to carry their wives and children with great mercy. They will understand compassion and mercy because they will do it their whole lives. They will be godly men because of it in their actions not just words.
I get why my doctor said "you have to be selfish now." She was lovingly telling me "you can't do this anymore on your own." When God asked if I would be willing to truly let others see I didn't realize that he would strip it all in one moment. I didn't realize that he would say maybe you give too much to those you love and you should let them carry you for a little bit. This has been about accepting love from those around me the way I love them. That is hard for me to do, so go easy on me if I resist a little. My mom gave me a compliment that I will always cherish from her; "I am proud of how much you give and you give a lot, but you can't do everything anymore."
Over the last week I have been reading so many stories about this country. It is not about what people don't want to give it is about what others want to keep taking. Denying his authority and his power has to stop. There will come a time when we may realize that the more we give has become too much. This is not about politics this about our desire to keep wanting more than what he has asked us to give. We can't make people feel guilty for what they have in life and then live the same life. Show mercy to people, because they need a break. They don't need the guilt of what we define as giving, because God has intended each one us to give a certain way. He will stop you for giving more than what he has intended for you to give.
12 For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Suffering
This is attack is different I have come to realize. The MS was asleep and now it is awake. I asked myself the question would I give up this disease if there was a cure; I don't know. The reason I say that is in my strength and arrogance I would turn to myself more and not him. I would miss the thirst for him. I would miss the reality of knowing him, learning about him, and suffering for him. I would miss that. We are to rejoice in our sufferings just as much as we rejoice in our blessings. This gift was given not to help others, but to heal my heart. It was given so I would become his.
So many people ask why a God of love would allow suffering. Many say my God is a God of love and he doesn't want me to suffer. For those that ask, or believe that God does not allow suffering should read Matthew chapter 27, Mark chapter 15, Luke Chapter 23, and John chapter 19. Jesus was mocked, tortured and killed how could we not suffer?
"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
He suffered so we suffer. He weeped so we weep. He had pain so we have pain. Every christian that follows him will suffer, but we have hope in eternal heaven with him. We should pray for individuals to have discernment. We should pray for them to see the light and to stop hating God for his authority. God's authority is not mocked.
I can never earn a gift that was given so freely that I did not deserve (that is the problem so many of us think we deserve it.) I can never be perfect for him, but I can learn to become like him in all things. I can learn love, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace. He gave me that so I am to give that. This is where the testing of the spirits come in. Are we doing it for his glory, or for the appearance? Are we doing it so others will think we are good, or for him alone. Are we willing to sacrifice as he did? Are we willing to the let the wall fall so we understand his suffering?
I am a fierce mother that God is asking me if I am willing to let them see me suffer? Their births were a miracle in my life. These boys are dependent on me a little too much. We don't want our children to feel pain or feel sadness, but they will. They will be scared in their lives and we can't shield them from that. We can only tell them that God will protect them, and show them that. The super mom in myself is being tested. Am I willing to suffer in my gift, and let them see or will they be blindsided in life later? We train our children to either face their realities head on or we shelter them too much from those realities. What are we truly willing to do for our children is the question.
We are a nation in great crisis. My parent's generation trained their daughters to end innocence just because they believe it is their right; abortion. My parent's generation trained their children to end marriages when it got too tough and they weren't willing to sacrifice themselves for each other; divorce. We are a people that believe we are owed without sacrifice. We are a people that believe our feelings should never be hurt. We are people that believe God would not turn his back on us. We have a choice to either face our realities, our pain, our fears, our weaknesses, or we live in a fairy tale that doesn't exist. Are we willing to suffer as he suffered for others. Are we willing to show that? These are the questions that his children should ask therselves in their journey.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
The biggest lessons I am learning is to trust others without questioning their motives. Is to be loved as I love others. To be cherished as I cherish others. To be accepted as I accept others. To admit I don't know what else he has planned for us, but to trust that whatever comes is for his glory. That I must relent, and repent for my failings to him in all things that gives him pain. I have no choice, because I took is gift of grace and salvation.
When I was diagnosed I became the clay and he was my potter. He knew I would never accept his authority over my life without breaking me. He knew I was stubborn enough to ignore him and never admit my failings. He knew that I would rely on my own understanding and not his. He knew I would fail without accepting his laws for life. So I guess I wouldn't give it up, because knowing my heart I may give up him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34
So many people ask why a God of love would allow suffering. Many say my God is a God of love and he doesn't want me to suffer. For those that ask, or believe that God does not allow suffering should read Matthew chapter 27, Mark chapter 15, Luke Chapter 23, and John chapter 19. Jesus was mocked, tortured and killed how could we not suffer?
"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted," 2 Timothy 3:12
He suffered so we suffer. He weeped so we weep. He had pain so we have pain. Every christian that follows him will suffer, but we have hope in eternal heaven with him. We should pray for individuals to have discernment. We should pray for them to see the light and to stop hating God for his authority. God's authority is not mocked.
I can never earn a gift that was given so freely that I did not deserve (that is the problem so many of us think we deserve it.) I can never be perfect for him, but I can learn to become like him in all things. I can learn love, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace. He gave me that so I am to give that. This is where the testing of the spirits come in. Are we doing it for his glory, or for the appearance? Are we doing it so others will think we are good, or for him alone. Are we willing to sacrifice as he did? Are we willing to the let the wall fall so we understand his suffering?
I am a fierce mother that God is asking me if I am willing to let them see me suffer? Their births were a miracle in my life. These boys are dependent on me a little too much. We don't want our children to feel pain or feel sadness, but they will. They will be scared in their lives and we can't shield them from that. We can only tell them that God will protect them, and show them that. The super mom in myself is being tested. Am I willing to suffer in my gift, and let them see or will they be blindsided in life later? We train our children to either face their realities head on or we shelter them too much from those realities. What are we truly willing to do for our children is the question.
We are a nation in great crisis. My parent's generation trained their daughters to end innocence just because they believe it is their right; abortion. My parent's generation trained their children to end marriages when it got too tough and they weren't willing to sacrifice themselves for each other; divorce. We are a people that believe we are owed without sacrifice. We are a people that believe our feelings should never be hurt. We are people that believe God would not turn his back on us. We have a choice to either face our realities, our pain, our fears, our weaknesses, or we live in a fairy tale that doesn't exist. Are we willing to suffer as he suffered for others. Are we willing to show that? These are the questions that his children should ask therselves in their journey.
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
The biggest lessons I am learning is to trust others without questioning their motives. Is to be loved as I love others. To be cherished as I cherish others. To be accepted as I accept others. To admit I don't know what else he has planned for us, but to trust that whatever comes is for his glory. That I must relent, and repent for my failings to him in all things that gives him pain. I have no choice, because I took is gift of grace and salvation.
When I was diagnosed I became the clay and he was my potter. He knew I would never accept his authority over my life without breaking me. He knew I was stubborn enough to ignore him and never admit my failings. He knew that I would rely on my own understanding and not his. He knew I would fail without accepting his laws for life. So I guess I wouldn't give it up, because knowing my heart I may give up him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
details
for a couple of years now god has been trying to get me to relent and share this disease. he has been trying for a long time to get me to explain it to others. this just goes along with the pride in my heart and that is all it is. that's it. it is hard for people to deal with individuals realities, and i don't like sharing that with others. it pains my heart when others are suffering, and this just adds to it if they ask. we all have sufferings in our life that we need to share, because he wants us to lean on each other. we are disobeying him when we don't do that. we are not meant to keep our sufferings private and that is not being a "humble" chrisitan. we should never feel shame for needing another in our lives.
i have a very dear friend that sent me an email last week that said "remember, i am the angel on your shoulder telling you no." she does it in a very sweet, loving way too i might add. it is a wonderful feeling to be loved by others, and i hope that i have been a good enough friend that i deserve that. i need to accept that care and love from others when most of the time i don't feel very deserving of that.
my last posting was about being selfish with a disease that i have no control over, and that of course is the lesson from christ. his authority is what controls my life not me. the really hard things in life that we don't want to deal with about ourselves is usually what controls us the most. he asking us to give him those things. i can't keep taking his control from him and not expect consequences.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
i understand that it is hard to trust him, and we believe he breaks promises because we don't get we want always from life. god doesn't break promises we do. one of the most beautiful promises in the entire bible is the rainbow. he wiped humanity from the earth, and promised noah with the rainbow that he wouldn't do it again. he hasn't done it. he does things for our own good, and he doesn't want us to fail. he tells us no for our own good, and that is ok to accept.
the only way to fully describe what my body is doing right now is the following. my left leg feels as though i tied a brick to it and i am trying to walk with it. my body is in so much pain the thought of being touched makes me flinch. the fatigue is the worst flu you have ever had, and it is not relenting. the burning that is in my body feels like it does when you get in a hot shower with cold feet - you know the burn right? it is 10 times worse.
i have new friends that have asked what will happen with this attack. here is the course of events for the next month. i will start iv treatment that takes any where from 3 to 4 hours. my body can not tolerate sometimes the speed of how fast the flow goes, and that is just from years of doing it. she will give me drugs for the harsh side effects. after we are done with the iv i will have to take meds to tamper down from the high dosages of the iv. it is a steroid that is basically in it's purest form. i will receive anti-nausea drugs, because my stomach is destroyed from all the years of it. i will have to take tons of calcium because it is destroying my bones. pain meds will be given because my body will start to wake up and the pain will be unbearable until we get it under control.
i don't talk to a lot of people, but i am incredibly grateful for your love. i am incredibly grateful for you taking time out of your lives to help me and my family. i am just trying right now to give my boys just the normal stuff until next week, so you may see me around. those boys are my gift from our father, and he gives me the strength for those moments. i am very grateful for that.
hold each other up. cling to each other if you have to. this makes his heart happy and glorifies him...
i have a very dear friend that sent me an email last week that said "remember, i am the angel on your shoulder telling you no." she does it in a very sweet, loving way too i might add. it is a wonderful feeling to be loved by others, and i hope that i have been a good enough friend that i deserve that. i need to accept that care and love from others when most of the time i don't feel very deserving of that.
my last posting was about being selfish with a disease that i have no control over, and that of course is the lesson from christ. his authority is what controls my life not me. the really hard things in life that we don't want to deal with about ourselves is usually what controls us the most. he asking us to give him those things. i can't keep taking his control from him and not expect consequences.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
i understand that it is hard to trust him, and we believe he breaks promises because we don't get we want always from life. god doesn't break promises we do. one of the most beautiful promises in the entire bible is the rainbow. he wiped humanity from the earth, and promised noah with the rainbow that he wouldn't do it again. he hasn't done it. he does things for our own good, and he doesn't want us to fail. he tells us no for our own good, and that is ok to accept.
the only way to fully describe what my body is doing right now is the following. my left leg feels as though i tied a brick to it and i am trying to walk with it. my body is in so much pain the thought of being touched makes me flinch. the fatigue is the worst flu you have ever had, and it is not relenting. the burning that is in my body feels like it does when you get in a hot shower with cold feet - you know the burn right? it is 10 times worse.
i have new friends that have asked what will happen with this attack. here is the course of events for the next month. i will start iv treatment that takes any where from 3 to 4 hours. my body can not tolerate sometimes the speed of how fast the flow goes, and that is just from years of doing it. she will give me drugs for the harsh side effects. after we are done with the iv i will have to take meds to tamper down from the high dosages of the iv. it is a steroid that is basically in it's purest form. i will receive anti-nausea drugs, because my stomach is destroyed from all the years of it. i will have to take tons of calcium because it is destroying my bones. pain meds will be given because my body will start to wake up and the pain will be unbearable until we get it under control.
i don't talk to a lot of people, but i am incredibly grateful for your love. i am incredibly grateful for you taking time out of your lives to help me and my family. i am just trying right now to give my boys just the normal stuff until next week, so you may see me around. those boys are my gift from our father, and he gives me the strength for those moments. i am very grateful for that.
hold each other up. cling to each other if you have to. this makes his heart happy and glorifies him...
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