i haven't written in so long! i had the strongest desire this morning to write. the past week has been rough in this journey physically. as i get older the reality of MS kicks in. the fear of how it will progress shakes me to my very core. this morning i was looking at my beautiful sons and thought about my first son. i thought about the conversation that took place before god had placed him in my womb. as i looked at my MRI scans, seeing the scars that the MS had caused, knowing that if I risked a pregnancy I may never walk again, and then a peace came over me. my heart was calmed and god very clearly said; i will carry you and you will be fine.
my son was born 7 weeks early 9 years ago. i remember standing in my father's kitchen on thanksgiving day crying, because my son was not there with us. i remember another thanksgiving years later; i lost my grandmother, my precious uncle, and my father had to have heart surgery to repair stints that had stopped working. this was all within a 5 week span. i remember being very sick after that thanksgiving. just last year i was recovering from major liver surgery. i should probably dread this holiday, but the meaning of this day is to remember the people that came before us.
over the last couple of years god has slowed me down with this disease. he conquered one of my biggest fears of it being seen by others. he made sure that many saw that had chosen to ignore it; including myself. i am thankful for that. i am thankful that almost 13 years ago he gave me a beautiful gift that will always bring me to him. i have recently gone through month's of not hearing him, and then last week as the MS took over I heard him; i have missed you let's talk.
this holiday has brought some of my greatest sufferings, but also such great beauty. it is a day to remember what beautiful lives so many us have, and to pray for those that so desperately need him in their lives. i think one of greatest tragedies in the world is not to have him in your soul. we fear that we will be hated for loving him, we fear that people will think that we are judging them, but please know that there so many that truly understand what it means to be a christian. remember the true christian understands that he loves us regardless of our wretched hearts. he chose us because he loves.
about a month ago i answered a question a friend had asked; if you could ask god for one thing what would it be? it wouldn't be a cure it would be to feel completely loved and cherished for just one day without doubts. this morning that pray that i voiced came true. his passion, his love, his glory, his strength, his power came pouring into my heart. i remembered that he loved me so much that he brought to my knees with this glorious illness that will always bring me back. cry out and be thankful that we are so loved by him that he was willing to give us his son forever.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/thanking_god.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
A Suffering Heart
“Pain shatters the illusion that all is well . . . that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us.” Pain takes away our false sense of happiness, draws our attention to God and our need for Him. Even in “good, decent people,” the illusion of self-sufficiency must be shattered. And, like a good and loving Father, God is willing to accept whatever surrender and sacrifice we have to offer. Our desires must be changed from pleasing self to pleasing God, which in the end produces our greatest happiness. We must lose ourselves to find ourselves, truly satisfied, in God." C.S Lewis, The Problem of Pain
A couple of weeks ago I had a support group in my home for women that are suffering from a chronic illness. I hadn't picked up everything yet before my sons came home, and my youngest son asked me what the plates and tablecloth were for. I explained to him that I had a group over that talks about their illnesses. My oldest son said, but Mom you aren't sick anymore. I told him that I was still sick and that never went away even after I had my medicine through an IV. He then asked the question that I am sure many, many people have asked; why hasn't God healed you if he can do everything?
I had to tell him God does not heal all things, because he has a purpose. I was surprised that he didn't ask what that purpose was, but I am sure one day he will. I have asked God many times what the purpose is of me having this terrible disease. That was a hard day for me. I realized that at some point in time if not already my oldest would either be very angry with God or would resent him for allowing my MS to still exist. He will probably feel both at one time or another. I pray that both boys will have great compassion and empathy for people; we don't always know what another is suffering. I also know at some point in their lives they will be very angry with him because of it.
I don't know if you have read C.S Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain," but he talks about the pain and suffering that we go through as Christians; as humans. He made a point that so many view God as a grandfather and not a father. We want God to be the grandfather that's sole job is to make us happy and when he doesn't we don't understand. God is the father that tells us the reality of our hearts; the good and the bad.
We have great fear of sharing the suffering we are going through. I have great fear of not being able to walk, to hold my husband and children, and not to be able to care for them. I am constantly plagued with fatigue and pain, all day, every day. We don't want to feel as though we are failures to others and God. I sometimes won't say anything at all, because I would rather not hear a condescending tone about how happy I should be all the time.
Even as I write this I think about how my suffering is nothing compared to those in the middle east. They are being crucified, beheaded and buried alive for their love of Christ. It almost shames me to hear that we don't have the time to seek out each other, or confront each other's suffering for even a minute. The reality of being a saved child of God is that we are connected through the holy spirit, but we are afraid of the side of God that does allow pain and suffering.
Last week a friend went home to God. The circumstances in her death have shocked those that knew her. We will all go through periods of sadness, anger and the inevitable question of why. If we are children of God, professed Christians, but ignore the sufferings of a sister or brother's heart are we failing him? I think the answer is yes.
"A Prayer of one afflicted, when he is faint and pours out his complaint before the Lord. Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry come to you! Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call! For my days pass away like smoke, and my bones burn like a furnace. My heart is struck down like grass and has withered; I forget to eat my bread. Because of my loud groaning my bones cling to my flesh." Psalm 102:1-5
A couple of weeks ago I had a support group in my home for women that are suffering from a chronic illness. I hadn't picked up everything yet before my sons came home, and my youngest son asked me what the plates and tablecloth were for. I explained to him that I had a group over that talks about their illnesses. My oldest son said, but Mom you aren't sick anymore. I told him that I was still sick and that never went away even after I had my medicine through an IV. He then asked the question that I am sure many, many people have asked; why hasn't God healed you if he can do everything?
I had to tell him God does not heal all things, because he has a purpose. I was surprised that he didn't ask what that purpose was, but I am sure one day he will. I have asked God many times what the purpose is of me having this terrible disease. That was a hard day for me. I realized that at some point in time if not already my oldest would either be very angry with God or would resent him for allowing my MS to still exist. He will probably feel both at one time or another. I pray that both boys will have great compassion and empathy for people; we don't always know what another is suffering. I also know at some point in their lives they will be very angry with him because of it.
I don't know if you have read C.S Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain," but he talks about the pain and suffering that we go through as Christians; as humans. He made a point that so many view God as a grandfather and not a father. We want God to be the grandfather that's sole job is to make us happy and when he doesn't we don't understand. God is the father that tells us the reality of our hearts; the good and the bad.
We have great fear of sharing the suffering we are going through. I have great fear of not being able to walk, to hold my husband and children, and not to be able to care for them. I am constantly plagued with fatigue and pain, all day, every day. We don't want to feel as though we are failures to others and God. I sometimes won't say anything at all, because I would rather not hear a condescending tone about how happy I should be all the time.
Even as I write this I think about how my suffering is nothing compared to those in the middle east. They are being crucified, beheaded and buried alive for their love of Christ. It almost shames me to hear that we don't have the time to seek out each other, or confront each other's suffering for even a minute. The reality of being a saved child of God is that we are connected through the holy spirit, but we are afraid of the side of God that does allow pain and suffering.
Last week a friend went home to God. The circumstances in her death have shocked those that knew her. We will all go through periods of sadness, anger and the inevitable question of why. If we are children of God, professed Christians, but ignore the sufferings of a sister or brother's heart are we failing him? I think the answer is yes.
"A Prayer of one afflicted, when he is faint and pours out his complaint before the Lord. Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry come to you! Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call! For my days pass away like smoke, and my bones burn like a furnace. My heart is struck down like grass and has withered; I forget to eat my bread. Because of my loud groaning my bones cling to my flesh." Psalm 102:1-5
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Hand Of God
My hand laid the foundation of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I call to them, they stand forth together. Isaiah 48:13
Years ago I heard this joke about God and 2 scientists. They were discussing about how to make a human. The scientists told God that they could do it and proceeded to pick up a handful of dirt. God said "no, no, make your own dirt."
Everything that we know comes from God. We know to love, to hope, to cherish, to fight, to show compassion, or that empathy all comes from God. We know not to murder, steal, hate, covet, have greed, have envy, or to be jealous from him. It is in our very own DNA. The truths of our heart and mind come from him no matter how hard we fight it. We know the difference between right and wrong because God made sure that we would know when were made in our mother's womb.
My doctor once told me that no matter what treatments or medicines she gave me if I did not believe in God I would not be healed. Over the years I understand that statement more and more to be true. That his hand is the reason I can care for my husband, my children, my family, and my friends. I understand that I must turn my sight to him to heal. I must turn to him for courage and strength.
Our trials are truly gifts. Our trials are what makes us stronger in him. We have a choice in our trials to either become bitter, or humbled. His very hand gives us the power to overcome the obstacles that come our way. The very spirit of his SON gives us the power to move forward.
My sweet friend's son will have heart surgery this morning. He is just a baby that already has the will to fight. He already has so many praying to God to care for this child. When God's children come together with the connection of the Holy Spirit there is nothing that can hold him back. He is the one that controls all things for his glory.
By his hand we have hope, we have mercy, we have grace, we have peace and we have his powerful love to guide us. Shout out to the heavens for his protection and strength.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
discerning the heart
by the 3rd chapter of genesis men and women had already decided they could do what they wanted without god; eat a piece of fruit. we could blame the devil himself for saying "he told me to do it; he said we could be like you." every act that god says no to and we do is saying "we think we know better than you." i am sure by the end of the chapter they wished they could go back. from the very beginning men and women believed they could do it better.
john macarthur has been doing a series on his website about discernment. by far my favorite posting has been about discernment of ourselves. i truly believe that if we do not understand or deny our very nature that came from the fall we don't understand who god is. my first confession to god before i accepted his son was "i hate you for doing this and i hate you for holding me accountable." i was fighting with all of the anger i could come up with and he was saying "bring it on little girl." it was messy and painful. when i finally went i wept with pain and asked for forgiveness. grace was given. it is a hard thing to admit what we have done wrong, and i did a lot of wrong.
here is a question; does it offend you when god tells you, you are wrong? does it offend you when someone corrects you about scripture? does it offend you when a pastor or friend tells you that you are wrong, and you need to think about that? then you don't understand god. you don't understand that love is accountability. you don't understand that repentance is obedience. you don't understand that every time you deny that you don't do something is an act of disobedience. i would think that we would want to repent, because the blessing that comes from that is him. the blessing and the gift is eternity in heaven.
my sons learned a hard lesson about repentance last week. they kept giving me hollow, fake apologies. i don't accept those. i wouldn't take them because i told them they were not admitting what they had done wrong. it took about 2 hours of crying and screaming for them to get it right. i told them they were forgiven, that i loved them, and i was sorry that i had lost my patience and temper with them. that is a lesson in repentance, humility, love and grace right there.
god is not punishing us if things in are life are not easy. he is allowing us to see all of the beautiful things around us in the midst of our trial. repentance is beautiful. it is authentic faith. this past easter sunday was beautiful. the whole day i was in such immense physical pain that every breath i took that day was me saying please help me god. he showed me the beauty of friends and family, of children laughing, and food on the table. he showed me that even in my pain there was great beauty and blessings around.
search your hearts honestly. jesus knows what it is your heart so what is the point of denying that.
Scripture is clear that believers must be faithful to examine and judge our own selves: “If we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged” (1 Corinthians 11:31). This calls for a careful searching and judging of our own hearts. Paul called for this self-examination every time we partake of the Lord’s Supper (v. 28). All other righteous forms of judgment depend on this honest self-examination. That is what Jesus meant when He said, “First take the log out of your own eye” (Luke 6:42). John MacArthur - Grace to You.org
john macarthur has been doing a series on his website about discernment. by far my favorite posting has been about discernment of ourselves. i truly believe that if we do not understand or deny our very nature that came from the fall we don't understand who god is. my first confession to god before i accepted his son was "i hate you for doing this and i hate you for holding me accountable." i was fighting with all of the anger i could come up with and he was saying "bring it on little girl." it was messy and painful. when i finally went i wept with pain and asked for forgiveness. grace was given. it is a hard thing to admit what we have done wrong, and i did a lot of wrong.
here is a question; does it offend you when god tells you, you are wrong? does it offend you when someone corrects you about scripture? does it offend you when a pastor or friend tells you that you are wrong, and you need to think about that? then you don't understand god. you don't understand that love is accountability. you don't understand that repentance is obedience. you don't understand that every time you deny that you don't do something is an act of disobedience. i would think that we would want to repent, because the blessing that comes from that is him. the blessing and the gift is eternity in heaven.
my sons learned a hard lesson about repentance last week. they kept giving me hollow, fake apologies. i don't accept those. i wouldn't take them because i told them they were not admitting what they had done wrong. it took about 2 hours of crying and screaming for them to get it right. i told them they were forgiven, that i loved them, and i was sorry that i had lost my patience and temper with them. that is a lesson in repentance, humility, love and grace right there.
god is not punishing us if things in are life are not easy. he is allowing us to see all of the beautiful things around us in the midst of our trial. repentance is beautiful. it is authentic faith. this past easter sunday was beautiful. the whole day i was in such immense physical pain that every breath i took that day was me saying please help me god. he showed me the beauty of friends and family, of children laughing, and food on the table. he showed me that even in my pain there was great beauty and blessings around.
search your hearts honestly. jesus knows what it is your heart so what is the point of denying that.
Scripture is clear that believers must be faithful to examine and judge our own selves: “If we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged” (1 Corinthians 11:31). This calls for a careful searching and judging of our own hearts. Paul called for this self-examination every time we partake of the Lord’s Supper (v. 28). All other righteous forms of judgment depend on this honest self-examination. That is what Jesus meant when He said, “First take the log out of your own eye” (Luke 6:42). John MacArthur - Grace to You.org
Monday, April 14, 2014
Remember We Are Great Sinners
Our pastor asked us yesterday to remember that we are great sinners during this holy week. The sins we committed before we were saved and the ones that we are doing daily. Each have been given grace. When he caught us and made us his own he wiped the slate clean. We are reborn in him. Can we remember the day he caught us? Can we remember that day we accepted him?
My grandmother was a beautiful woman of God. She knew the bible inside and out. As she got older she kept hanging onto life out of fear. She feared being held accountable to God for her thoughts. He slowly over a couple of years took her mind so she no longer feared then he took her home. What a beautiful gift he gave her.
There are some days still that I can hardly breathe at the thought that he wanted me and saved me. I am still in awe that he does. I truly believe that if we don't understand our very nature we become blind to what we are capable of that hurts him and others. We conform our minds and hearts to these rules, because we fear that we may be wrong. He already knows our hearts and thoughts. We fear change. God is always trying to chip away at the rules; a hardened heart.
I have been reading a lot about forgiveness and grace the last few weeks. Paul's conversion is incredible to me. He was such an evil man and he became one of God's greatest warriors. I have been wondering how long it took people to trust him. If they were always suspicious of his acts and words. They knew what he was capable of. God used that for his purpose.
"But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. 14 And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.”15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel.16 For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” Acts 9:13-16
I have read the above scripture numerous time, but the last verse had never popped out at me. Paul suffered tremendously for him. The idea that we won't is a lie that people have taught themselves. We have to accept that he does allow that and be grateful for it. Paul was grateful for his salvation from his great sins.
I think we believe that God changed from the wrathful God in the Old Testament to a passive, weak man in Jesus. He did not change - he is the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow. Do not fear repentance from him, because then you miss out on the beautiful gift of grace.
A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago if I could describe my journey in one word what would it be; grace. After all theses years I finally realized that he made me angry enough with my diagnosis to forget my fear of being held accountable by him. I would have missed out on a lot of gifts; what a sad way to live.
My grandmother was a beautiful woman of God. She knew the bible inside and out. As she got older she kept hanging onto life out of fear. She feared being held accountable to God for her thoughts. He slowly over a couple of years took her mind so she no longer feared then he took her home. What a beautiful gift he gave her.
There are some days still that I can hardly breathe at the thought that he wanted me and saved me. I am still in awe that he does. I truly believe that if we don't understand our very nature we become blind to what we are capable of that hurts him and others. We conform our minds and hearts to these rules, because we fear that we may be wrong. He already knows our hearts and thoughts. We fear change. God is always trying to chip away at the rules; a hardened heart.
I have been reading a lot about forgiveness and grace the last few weeks. Paul's conversion is incredible to me. He was such an evil man and he became one of God's greatest warriors. I have been wondering how long it took people to trust him. If they were always suspicious of his acts and words. They knew what he was capable of. God used that for his purpose.
"But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. 14 And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.”15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel.16 For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” Acts 9:13-16
I have read the above scripture numerous time, but the last verse had never popped out at me. Paul suffered tremendously for him. The idea that we won't is a lie that people have taught themselves. We have to accept that he does allow that and be grateful for it. Paul was grateful for his salvation from his great sins.
I think we believe that God changed from the wrathful God in the Old Testament to a passive, weak man in Jesus. He did not change - he is the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow. Do not fear repentance from him, because then you miss out on the beautiful gift of grace.
A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago if I could describe my journey in one word what would it be; grace. After all theses years I finally realized that he made me angry enough with my diagnosis to forget my fear of being held accountable by him. I would have missed out on a lot of gifts; what a sad way to live.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Empathy
Definition of Empathy: the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone's feelings.
Empathy is a word that we don't hear often. Empathy is a trait that is rare in my opinion. We have to pray for empathetic hearts for ourselves and others. This is not a trait we are born with. I think sometimes we believe we are being empathetic, but we are not. We like the appearance of it more. One of the best ways to understand empathy is to reverse the situation and imagine what that feels like, or if it would hurt your heart.
When I read the gospels now I recognize empathy far more than I did before. Christ showed great empathy to sinners that recognized their failings and sought grace from him. He was empathetic to their struggles, their fears, their pain, and suffering because He wanted to share it with them. He knew their hearts were repentant. He humbly walked with us to share our journeys.
The Holy Spirit and the mystery of how it connects us is a great example of empathy. When we become beloved brothers and sisters in Christ we are connected not only to the father, but to each other. We are called to share in our burdens and trials without judgment. We are to hold each other up whether, or not we understand the trial.
Empathy in my opinion has a lot to do with "we reap what we sow." authentic empathy is our willingness to share in a struggle, or stand by someone no matter how long it takes. Praise individuals that have that gift. God has nurtured that in them and He is glorified by it.
Every authentic follower of Christ knows they struggle with something. If we don't think we do then we are blind in our journey with Him.
Empathy is a word that we don't hear often. Empathy is a trait that is rare in my opinion. We have to pray for empathetic hearts for ourselves and others. This is not a trait we are born with. I think sometimes we believe we are being empathetic, but we are not. We like the appearance of it more. One of the best ways to understand empathy is to reverse the situation and imagine what that feels like, or if it would hurt your heart.
When I read the gospels now I recognize empathy far more than I did before. Christ showed great empathy to sinners that recognized their failings and sought grace from him. He was empathetic to their struggles, their fears, their pain, and suffering because He wanted to share it with them. He knew their hearts were repentant. He humbly walked with us to share our journeys.
The Holy Spirit and the mystery of how it connects us is a great example of empathy. When we become beloved brothers and sisters in Christ we are connected not only to the father, but to each other. We are called to share in our burdens and trials without judgment. We are to hold each other up whether, or not we understand the trial.
Empathy in my opinion has a lot to do with "we reap what we sow." authentic empathy is our willingness to share in a struggle, or stand by someone no matter how long it takes. Praise individuals that have that gift. God has nurtured that in them and He is glorified by it.
Every authentic follower of Christ knows they struggle with something. If we don't think we do then we are blind in our journey with Him.
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Why?
A horrible tragedy happened this week that the immediate question was "why God?" I don't know the answer for this tragedy. I don't understand. I assume that He wants those that know about this tragedy to value what they have far more than they do. I have to believe that, that is His purpose because if I didn't I would hate him. It is very easy to become bitter and angry with Him.
We lost a friend last year after a long battle with cancer. He fought the cancer, but his heart just gave out. God took him home.We all asked why? The answer has come this year, because of the legacy that he left. What a legacy he has left for his children to follow.
My husband's aunt is going through her 4th bout of cancer. Why?
A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 38, and you ask why?
Another friend is going through something that is a parent's worst fear, and you ask why?
Unfortunately this list goes on and on. One of the greatest lies that is told about God is that he only gives us what we can handle. I used to believe that in the beginning of my journey, but he corrected me on that lie. He puts us through horrible trials and sufferings; He is calling us to him. I know that is hard to understand, but He wants us to depend on him.
Last year when the scans showed the progression of my MS I feel into the deepest of depressions and it escalated over the year, and it still persists. One of the greatest statements that was made to me was "I can't imagine; so I am not going to even to pretend that I would know. I will just give you love." I am grateful for those words. We will be put in situations that we can't imagine to understand, but we must learn to show empathy, love, compassion, mercy and grace. It is impossible to do those things without God.
One of my greatest gifts of the last year was a moment that I had with my youngest son. At the time I was in horrible pain, and walking from our bedroom to the kitchen was exhausting. My son asked me to come outside to watch the monarch butterflies. I said yes even though I really just wanted to lay down.
As I was sitting there I realized that I did not feel pain, or fatigue. The peace and comfort of spending hours with my son just watching the butterflies was wonderful. God gives us those moments in the midst of our suffering.
We lost a friend last year after a long battle with cancer. He fought the cancer, but his heart just gave out. God took him home.We all asked why? The answer has come this year, because of the legacy that he left. What a legacy he has left for his children to follow.
My husband's aunt is going through her 4th bout of cancer. Why?
A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 38, and you ask why?
Another friend is going through something that is a parent's worst fear, and you ask why?
Unfortunately this list goes on and on. One of the greatest lies that is told about God is that he only gives us what we can handle. I used to believe that in the beginning of my journey, but he corrected me on that lie. He puts us through horrible trials and sufferings; He is calling us to him. I know that is hard to understand, but He wants us to depend on him.
Last year when the scans showed the progression of my MS I feel into the deepest of depressions and it escalated over the year, and it still persists. One of the greatest statements that was made to me was "I can't imagine; so I am not going to even to pretend that I would know. I will just give you love." I am grateful for those words. We will be put in situations that we can't imagine to understand, but we must learn to show empathy, love, compassion, mercy and grace. It is impossible to do those things without God.
One of my greatest gifts of the last year was a moment that I had with my youngest son. At the time I was in horrible pain, and walking from our bedroom to the kitchen was exhausting. My son asked me to come outside to watch the monarch butterflies. I said yes even though I really just wanted to lay down.
As I was sitting there I realized that I did not feel pain, or fatigue. The peace and comfort of spending hours with my son just watching the butterflies was wonderful. God gives us those moments in the midst of our suffering.
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